Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Two for One

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I'm seeing two boys, both of whom I like, but not enough to date them seriously. What can I say to keep it light and fun?

Lady Bun Doubles Your Pleasure

What you seem to have here is a juggling act, but instead of balls (although there are flesh balls involved) you’re juggling with people’s emotions—and nobody likes jugglers, besides kids and Ukrainians. So unless the two dudes you’re seeing are former Soviet toddlers, this arrangement is going to be an issue. Now, if you want to keep it “light” you’re gonna have to be semi-honest about the situation with them. Give them just enough information to make them stick around, while also keeping them completely ignorant. Hey, it works for Fox News!

• Try a triple date! It’s OK to be in the same room so long as the three of you don’t see each other! Just pick a place where minimal eye contact is encouraged, like an Arby’s at 1 AM, or a men’s toilet. 
• Show them you’re not ready for commitment by always keeping your jacket on and bringing a suitcase with you at all times. Also a great tip for traveling!
• Wanna subtly tell them you’re multi-dating? While lying together in bed, whisper to their penis, “Which one are you?”

Soon your two suitors will want to know their place, and you’ll be stuck in the awkward position of having to have the “talk.” Just like a parent explaining sex to their child, you have to be delicate and also not go into too much detail— That’s why it’s easier to replace humans with animals in your examples. Here are some ice-breakers for the all-too-awkward “you’re not the only one” conversation.

• “Penguins mate for life. Now, what’s the opposite of a penguin who also has a date with someone named John in 20 minutes?”
• “You’re kinda like a guppy to me. Adorable to look at but super easy to replace.”
• “You know how there’s crazy cat ladies? Well, I’m like that but with dicks.”

Hot Dog Sends You to the Big Easy

Simply communicating that you want to keep a relationship light and airy is a difficult task. The word “casual” is almost exclusively used by assholes and people who say “rezzies” (see also: “biz cas”). Saying, “I’m just having fun,” is relationship code for, “There’s something terrifyingly wrong with you.” So you need to handle this situation in the same way you’d approach gluing a butterfly to a snowflake, delicately and with a certain level of insanity. Here’s a few things you can do to make sure that she gets the hint and leaves her toothbrush where it belongs: at home.

• Why not give your partner the nickname, “Juz Fun”?
• Try making your partner some brunch pancakes in the shape of the other people you’re sleeping with. “Who wants some fuck jacks?!”
• Everyone needs boundaries. Show your date where her boundaries are by drawing a circle around where your heart is and writing “Not For You” inside it.

Now that you’ve set the tone, you need to make sure you keep expectations super low. Here are a few one-liners to make sure the bar is set somewhere near her ankles.

• “Hey, I think you’re G.R.E.A.T. And by that I mean I think you are Good Reasonable Entertainment At Times. But other times, I need a break.”
• “I know you want to take it to the next level, but can that level be the one where we see each other once a week and I bang other people?”
• “Look, how many times can I tell you, I’m not your long lost lover from Finland. I’m just not that Finn to you.”

Previously - Family Vacation

@kurtbraunohler and @albz