Jason Arias

Congratulations on your recent purchase.

Katherine Inskip

In which the future of nanobot-based products is unwrapped.

Jason Arias

Katherine Inskip is an astrophysicist who teaches at the University of Sheffield, and, as she wrote me by way of an introduction, she "spends her spare time populating the universe with worlds of her own." Like this one, which may be a little too close to ours for comfort, in all the best possible ways. Enjoy. -the ed


Shell breach detected.
Status alteration: exit pre-purchase hibernatory mode.
Status alteration: initiate post-purchase operations.
Broadcast mode: all.

#

Status: post-purchase operational set-up.

Congratulations on your recent purchase of an Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM)! Whether your requirement is a simple home appliance or a laboratory-grade decontamination unit, we at Alfven pride ourselves on providing the very best in cutting edge technology. With over 1.3 billion satisfied customers and upwards of 45 billion products in circulation, you know you’re in good company! Adaptable. Intelligent. Integrated. Alfven.

Under clause 3.7 of the Alfven Purchase Contract (c. 15 th March 2129), your removal of the outer packaging shell constitutes agreement with Alfven standard terms and conditions for use.
Please stand aside while the Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM) unit undergoes designated post-purchase set-up checks. Depending on the exact model chosen (refer to the holographic check-fields now displayed), these may include a full-depth scan of the immediate surrounds, rapid disassembly and consumption of packaging shell, industry-standard handshake with your other household goods, local network and nanite biome, and an initial charging period of not less than 500 seconds. All Alfven units now employ quantum-turbulence software encryption and real-time access to the Helsinki Nanite Monitoring Zone database as standard.

#

Status: post-purchase operational set-up (CONTINUED).

Congratulations on your recent purchase of an Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM). Here are the results of the unit’s full-depth scan: -Packaging Shell consumption: 53.4% complete. Please dispose of the missing residual packaging material responsibly! -Human genome residue: 61.2 ppb. Please provide a household or workplace identification sample (min. 5 micrograms pp) at your earliest convenience. -Other organic residue: 18240.8 ppb -Nanitic residue (types A-L): nil (below detection tolerance) -Nanitic residue (types M-R): nil (below detection tolerance) -Nanitic residue (types S-U): error (WARNING: detection tolerance exceeded) -Nanitic residue (types V-AF): nil (below detection tolerance) -Mineral residue: error (WARNING: unrecognized data acquired) -External temperature: 267.8 K (beneath optimal operational range) -External pressure: 44.3 kPa (exceeds optimal operational range)

#

Status: post-purchase operational set-up (ON HIATUS).
Status: parallel diagnostic mode.
Broadcast mode: auditory, holovisual and 0.773MHz radio only.

Congratulations on your recent purchase of an Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM). As neither your household nor workplace networks could be identified, the post-purchase set-up has entered hiatus. The Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM) unit will now follow standard Alfven factory protocols and enter parallel diagnostic mode until such time as alternative instructions are received. To facilitate this process, please connect the extruded hardwire to the nearest standard access port (see current holovisual or refer to manual section 9.2).

Interior sensors have detected electromagnetic leakage. Please do not attempt to access the internal workings of the unit.

#

Status: post-purchase operational set-up (ON HIATUS).
Status: parallel diagnostic mode (CONCLUDED).
Status: default operations (C-THETA-4).

Congratulations on your recent purchase of an Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM). Thank you for your patience during this unforeseen malfunction. Internal diagnostic checks 1.0 through 3.06, 3.08 through 3.10, 3.13 through 12.71, 12.74 through 12.90, 12.92 through 199.0, 201.0 through 494.0, and 496.0-1200.0 have concluded successfully. The following errors remain:
-3.07 - Internal clock time error // 2366 July 28 10:17:29.41 exceeds parameters
-3.11 - Auto clock reset [local network] failed.
-3.12 - Auto clock reset [external Ether] failed.
-12.72 - Non-detection of external Ether
-12.73 - Non-detection of household or workplace networks
-12.91 - irretrievable hardwire malfunction
-200.0 - HOSTILE NANITE INTRUSION
-496.0 - unit guarantee clause 9: sub-optimal operating conditions.
Until further notice, your Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM) unit will operate under condition-set theta4: -light housekeeping duties on the Alfven standard cadence (vacuum cleaning, perimeter ionization, pest deterrence, nanite conditioning, subliminal audio and the basis suite of Relax! aromatics) -daily solar charging -manual and etheric emergency interrupts primed.
The Alfven-80 Smart Vac(TM) unit has an anticipated lifetime of 53.8 days under current external conditions. Pacification of the local nanite biome is underway via Platinum Guarantee protocols (2143 v5.7 update).
WARNING: no access to Helsinki Nanite Monitoring Zone database.
WARNING: no access to backup repositories.
WARNING: current pacification rate insufficient to keep pace with evolutionary modulation.
WARNING: operation of unit outside of t he accepted optimal cond itions constitutes a br each of pur chase contract, a nd the Alfven Pla tinum Guarantee will not be upheld. Your stat utory right to ret urn a faulty u nit is unaff ected, pro vided that the date of ret urn is wi thin a peri od of 120 days. Exp iry of the return pe riod for this Alf ven-80 Sm art Vac(TM) u nit will oc cur in preci sely -79103.44 days.
Do you wi sh to t ake out an ex tende d war ra nty? Call us n ow on 080 05 5598 908#45 u4 5[ ;vv 9zf l esg;.. erh+++++++++++++++++++++