Is Ryan Lochte's Dog, Carter, a Time Traveler or What?

There's reason to believe that Lochte's dog has broken the rules of spacetime.

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Aug 14 2016, 9:12pm

Carter and Ryan Lochte. Image: Twitter; Twitter

Ryan Lochte, 12-time Olympic medalist and "JEAH!" founder, does not seem like a man tethered to the conventions of spacetime. If you follow the American swimmer on Twitter, you'll know what I mean.

In light of the Rio 2016 Olympics, Lochte has been in the news quite a bit. He's dyed his hair blue, bonded with fellow bro Michael Phelps, and was even allegedly robbed at gunpoint today (to which he said, "whatever").

But who cares about all that because something weird has been going on with Lochte's doberman pinscher, Carter, for the last eight years. Today, I came across some evidence that made me question the very laws of the universe. As you can see, Lochte tweeted about his beloved dog's birthday back in 2014 and 2015. Both times, however, he referred to Carter as eight years old. That's simply not possible, right?

In all of the photos, Carter looks pretty much the same, so it's not demonstrably clear whether he's aged or not. Now, Occam's razor would have us believe this was merely a recall error on Lochte's part. Maybe all that chlorine got to his brain. Yet, somehow, I can't help but suspect that something more sinister is afoot.

Let us investigate.

Carter Lochte is actually a time traveler

You may scoff, but according to theoretical physics, time travel isn't impossible. Isaac Newton believed that time was a straight-shooting arrow, but Albert Einstein proposed something different, and split our universe into the four-dimensional fabric of spacetime. Three dimensions for space, and one for time.

Now, if Carter possessed a powerful gravity-bending force field, such as a black hole, he'd be able to warp the dimension of time, and traverse it as he pleased. Think of it as moving backward and forward around a circular track. It's also conceivable that Carter discovered a portal, or wormhole, that allowed him to take shortcuts through spacetime. If you've seen Stranger Things, it's a tiny bit like that.

Time travel, however, is riddled with paradoxes. As Michio Kaku once described, there are several theoretical issues to consider: What happens if you go back in time, and change the course of your future? What if your ability to time travel was given to you by your past or future self? And, most terrifyingly, what if you are your own parent? All of this would be very scary to a dog.

Still, I think this is a reasonable possibility. As you can see, Lochte has regularly tweeted about holes. Was he referring to black holes? Maybe! It would explain a lot.

Hmmm.

Perhaps Carter is simply immortal

Another theory is that Carter has harnessed some transhumanist technology to render himself ageless. Kind of like how Silicon Valley investor and media vampire, Peter Thiel, wants to infuse himself with the blood of young people through "parabiosis."

There are myriad ways that anti-death advocates are trying to extend life. One day, those who can afford it might live inside robot bodies. Others might have DNA that's been genetically altered to stave off the degenerative effects of aging. Perhaps there's even an anti-death diet.

Since I'm not a dog, I'm not sure which of these alternatives would be most appealing to Carter. I do own a dog, however, so I know that canines are very sensitive and democratic animals. This leads me to believe that Carter would be concerned about the classism and inequality that are inherent to biohacking. If his human couldn't live forever, then neither would he. Thus, I don't believe this is the most plausible explanation.

Maybe Carter is actually stuck in time

My final proposition is the most far-fetched, but is still worth considering. What if Carter happens to be frozen in time? Theoretical physicists say the laws of our universe don't currently allow for this, but let's just speculate here.

If Carter were trapped in an alternate universe where time functioned differently, he might be able to slow down the vibration of atoms in his body, thus slowing time. According to Daniel Barker at Futurism, this wouldn't stop time, but it would let Carter "observe the world moving at a very slow rate." This, he adds, could only be done by displacing the universe's heat into some other universe, which would likely kill everyone. I don't think Carter would want that.

So which is it?

To be completely honest, I don't for sure why Carter hasn't aged. What's most important is that he's happy and healthy. Nevertheless, I've asked Lochte for an update, and will report back if I hear anything. Jeah!