Kurt Russell's New Bitcoin Crime Movie 'Crypto' Looks so Awful I Must See It

'Crypto' is primed to be an instant so-bad-it's-good classic à​ la 1995’s 'The Net.'

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Mar 12 2019, 8:34pm

Scenes from the upcoming film 'Crypto.' Screengrabs: YouTube. Composition: Author

Cryptocurrency may not be the new internet, but movies in 2019 are treating the technology like flicks from the 90s treated the web—breathlessly, earnestly fumbling, gloriously corny, and instantly dated. It is good, and I am here for it.

Case in point: the newly-released trailer for Crypto, an upcoming thriller starring Kurt Russell (!!!), Alexis Bledel, and Luke Hemsworth (the Hemsworth brother you probably didn’t know existed unless you watch Westworld). I dare you to watch it and tell me that Crypto isn’t shaping up to be a so-bad-it’s-good tech masterpiece à la 1995’s The Net. As far as I can tell, it's real, though it strains credulity.

There is just so much here, from the desktop folders named “Bitcoin payouts” and “kickbacks” (I, too, enjoy neatly organizing my cyber crimes), to a threatening note that reads, “LET’S TALK COWBOY,” and “Cops = RIP.”

Screengrab: YouTube
Screengrab: YouTube

The plot is a bit difficult to piece together from the trailer, but it seems like the kind of thing an addled cryptocurrency trader might think up after a few days without sleep.

Hemsworth plays a young Anti-Money Laundering (AML) investigator (is this the first movie to make one of those an over-the-top action hero?) who is stationed in his hometown in New York State and uncovers a web of corruption. Said web involves: Bitcoin, money laundering, Russians, farmers for some reason, and Kurt Russell. IMDb tells me the film also stars Vincent Kartheiser, who played the weasley Pete Campbell on Mad Men—I couldn’t find him in the trailer but hell yeah.

The trailer’s tagline is, “Fear is the ultimate currency.”

The director of CryptoJohn Stalberg Jr.—only has one previous film directing credit according to IMDb, a 2010 high school stoner flick called High School. Clearly, the guy has a knack for descriptive titles. Stalberg Jr. does, however, have a “miscellaneous crew” credit on IMDb for the 1996 action movie Executive Decision starring Steven Seagal and… Kurt Russell! It was meant to be.

Crypto will be released on April 12 in select theatres and on demand.

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