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Tech

The Unbearable Awkwardness of Being (with a Dick-Sucking Robot)

I tried out the Autoblow 2, so you’ll never have to.
The author with the Autoblow 2.

When I first saw the Autoblow 2 over the summer, I instantly knew. I had to try it. We write about the future of sex all the time, so when an opportunity like this presents itself, you have to grab it—sometimes literally with both hands. Also, it's more fun to try out stuff on ourselves, instead of quoting other people in the internet hype cycle. Except when it's less fun.

I emailed Brian Sloan, inventor of the world's most "realistic robotic oral sex stimulator for men," to ask him if we could get a sample to write about. He immediately replied, telling me he'd be mailing "a few samples."

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Until he found his calling designing robotic vaginas, Sloan was studying to be a lawyer. Halfway through, he travelled to China and decided to stay there and start a company. A company that would produce dick-sucking robots. He also runs two sites, Mangasm and Ladygasm, that sell sex toys to respectively men and women.

In the meanwhile, my fellatiobot was on its way. I thought it was incredibly funny, because I'm really childish, and told everyone I ran into about the forthcoming arrival of my robot. Ha! A dick-sucking robot!

But somewhere deep inside, doubt was nibbling at my excitement. Because I told literally everyone I knew about it, I had accidentally created expectations that were focused on my genitals. It might have only been some kind of narcissistic figment of my imagination that tells me the world revolves around me, but now everybody would be waiting until I put my manly bits in that thing and tell the world about my experience. I got nervous.

Three weeks after my first email, a package arrived at our office. It was a lot bigger than I expected, and it turned out that Sloan had sent me not one, but three Autoblow 2's. Three dick-sucking robots!

Everyone was kind of giddy, like the first time sex is explained in school

Everyone in editorial crowded around my desk and started sticking fingers in the robot's soft pink lips. "Can I have it when you're done?" "What are you going to call her?" and more hilarious questions came my way. Everyone was kind of giddy, like the first time sex is explained in biology class.

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I think that giddiness comes from two sources. On the one hand, there's a kind of taboo on male sex toys that doesn't exist for female toys. Somehow, spending money on a product to jerk off alone, is seen as something a bit sad. I don't completely disagree with that view.

On the other hand, it also might have something to do with the ridiculous designs of male toys. Dildos and vibrators exist in every conceivable shape and form, but for males, sex toys are basically limited to a tube with a plastic pussy. That tube can be life sized, as in the case of hyper realistic sex dolls, or a more portable flashlight size. Either way, they're pretty cumbersome.

This comes in addition to the fact that the Autoblow is meant to be a replacement for a vagina or mouth, not an accessory that can be used in sex with another human being like a vibrator. It's simply not very cool to make out with someone while a big, blue and white, mechanical cylinder is noisily tugging on your nether regions.

In an interview with Vice, Sloan said he wanted to change that image. He wants to make an automatic dick-sucking robot with the quality of a kitchen appliance. "There are female toys built that are built at the quality level of a kitchen appliance. But, until now, I think, there are no male toys that are an item that you would consider a home appliance, not a toy."

And just like most home appliances, the Autoblow makes noise. Real noise. It's actually rather terrifying.

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Hear for yourself, I recorded it:

The first time I turned it on, the sound wasn't the only thing that scared me; when I put my fingers in, they got kind of stuck. It didn't really hurt, but it made the idea of sticking more valuable appendages in just a bit scarier.

And there's that creepy little mouth. Look at that mouth! So creepy. Not a turn-on at all.

It's made of a kind of oily soft rubber that certainly didn't feel unpleasant. It was a little squishy, a little bit softer than a human boob. It smelled a bit like latex.

Meanwhile, I hadn't dared to insert my dick into the device. The incident with the fingers had scared me. But my friends and colleagues made sure I wouldn't let this story sail quietly into the night. Every few days someone would confront me: "Have you tried your dick sucking robot yet?"

I tried to ignore them. It felt weird, because in fact they were casually asking me "So, did you jerk off last night?" and that's not something I particularly enjoy conversing about on the office floor.

The robot was keeping my vacuum cleaner company in my closet.

I kept denying all the prompting from my helpful friends, until Sloan mailed me asking when I was going to publish the piece. The time had cum.

The Autoblow 2 in the closet.

But first: lube! I'm not a prude, and it would be foolish to be ashamed of buying lube in 2014, but I felt like a teen trying to buy a Playboy. I even went to a different supermarket instead of my regular one, because I was afraid of the judging gaze of the lady at the counter. The lady at the other supermarket also gazed judgingly. I think.

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Allright, let's get on with it. Penis in robot time.

*Sigh*

It was… not hot. Not at all. I tried to enjoy it, but the sound of old fashioned windshield wipers and my first person view of a kind of small R2D2 over the lower half of my body only caused a sad smile and introspection about what I was doing with my life, not excitement.

About the quality of the blowjob: it felt like a robot. The rings on the inside tugged went up and down regularly, like a dick sucking metronome. That might feel nice when done by a human, but here it felt too regular. I think a real mouth somehow communicates affection, or at least a willingness to get you off while fellating. The robot didn't care about me, my pleasure or my penis.

Boosting the tempo didn't make it any better. The racket increased in proportion to the speed, and it felt a bit rough (in a non-exciting way). This gif shows it better that I can explain. You're welcome to imagine the penis inside it yourself:

It wasn't all bad though. The material the creepy little mouth was made of felt good and reasonably "real." But jerking off using only the switched off cylinder doesn't seem ideal.

In case you're wondering: I didn't come. It was too weird.

I think there's one lesson to be learned from my ordeal with the robot: sex toys for men still have a long road to travel. It's going to take a while before robotwhores take over the sex industry with their magical robot pussies.

I'm sure the future will someday bring us a totally silent dick-sucking robot that will give better head than anyone on earth. All that's needed is better technology—and acceptance. If Sloan is right, there's a huge market in male sex toys just waiting to be swept up. All it needs is a bit of a rebranding.

Vibrators were one day as loud and huge as refrigerators. Dildos were a taboo too. The time might be ripe for a total image change for male sex toys and embracing dick sucking robots. But I'd still choose a real mouth anytime.

This story, which originally appeared on Motherboard Netherlands, is part of Motherboard's Sex Ed Week, a series of sex-focused science and technology stories. Check out more stories here.