If there's no longer a mall in the sky, is the sky still worth visiting?
The Motherboard staff was in for a rude awakening today when we learned that SkyMall is filing for bankruptcy, much like its spiritual brother Sharper Image did before it. There are a lot of emotions right now, most of them guilt, because none of us have ever actually bought anything from SkyMall. What hath we wrought on a company that brought us so much entertainment and such a good gadget selection?
And what does this say about Americans, and culture, etc.? Maybe people would rather spend $50 on in-flight wifi to buy stuff on Amazon instead. Maybe that's what happens when Tom Haverford is your only customer. Maybe they need a better slogan than "25 years of cool stuff." But really, there's no time to consider what SkyMall's bankruptcy means for our civilization. There's only one thing we can do—remember SkyMall's best products and hope it restructures in bankruptcy and lives forever. Because if there's not a mall in the sky, well then, maybe the sky isn't a place we even want to go to anymore.
Before the FAA fixed its crazy no-electronics-on-the-runway policy, I spent many a flight taxi flipping through SkyMall. While many things in it delighted me in the kind of way the massive, life-sized stuffed animals did in the FAO Schwartz catalog, few things really made me go holy shit I must have that. And then, I saw, tucked somewhere in between personalized sand heart artwork and various smart watches even the most comprehensive of tech blogs won't touch, this goddamn sarcophagus. And next to it, a suit of armor! Never had I imagined that a baroness or count would be able to order a REAL sarcophagus and its 14 shelves while sitting on the tarmac on Thanksgiving and have it ready to store his books or vials of blood or shrunken head collection by Christmas. That, my friends, is convenience. Side note: Are the shelves in there so SkyMall has plausible deniability when someone inevitably stored a dead body in it?
The Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar lets you inhale 30 percent oxygen-enriched air like a baller, not that bullshit 21-percent-oxygen regular air. That lame shit's for posers. This is perfect if you rage all night like this Mom in the photo obviously does, because according to the description, "work, stress, drinking, and environmental factors deplete our oxygen and affect our health." Too many chardonnays at the yacht club last night? No problem, just shove this plastic mouthpiece between your lips, lay back, and let the built-in soothing music dissolve your fears away and "rejuvenate you down to the cell." No replacement parts necessary.
Solafeet Foot Tanner
There is only one reason that I wear sandals to the office every day, even in winter. Why my self confidence never ceases to sparkle like dewy daisy in the morning sun: My immaculately tanned feet. And that is because three years ago I purchased the Solafeet Foot Tanner on a transatlantic flight to Delaware. My evenly bronzed feet are the envy of all those who lay eyes on them. No tanlines. No embarrassing white T splayed out above my soles. Just perfection.
And while I considered claiming despair over the bankruptcy of SkyMall, I feel only joy: Joy that I alone will walk the earth atop deliciously copper dogs. I am barefoot right now, and always will be.
Death always wins. You, your loved ones, your houseplants, the bird flying around your office, everything will die. It's best to accept it now and move on because otherwise you'll wake up one day and realize your formerly sprightly body has transformed into a wet paper bag of flesh and you can't even climb into bed to snuggle up and await the end without your caretaker buying an overly complicated piece of furniture from a sickness-covered magazine on an airplane. The only real glimmer of sunshine in the fast track to nothingness is to hope that you can somehow do something that lasts longer than your corpse. This decrepit old dog, which is surely long dead by now, has done exactly that, thanks to SkyMall not updating its doggie steps photo in more than a decade. Godspeed, you broken pooch.
Yachts are boring. Know what isn't boring? A streamlined, two-seater watercraft designed to look like the wolf of the seas, the majestic Orcinus orca. I'm talking about Seabreacher, the single greatest, most premium SkyMall offering ever. Look at this thing!
What makes the Seabreacher so ~special~ is that it has full three-axis control, like an aircraft. So you're not restrained to a mere two dimensions of mobility, like a regular ol' boat. Basically, you're flying on water. The vessel can reach above-water speeds of 55 mph and underwater speeds of 25 mph, and it's yours for a cool $85,000. Want? Need.
As a sommelier football fan with a foot-fetish, I admit I can be hard to shop for. For years, friends and loved ones have struggled to find just the right mix of toes-terroire-and-Tennessee Titan gear for such a discriminating soul such as myself. The answer was right in front of me, it seemed, in the seatback pocket.
Yes, it seems like something that might get you ridiculed in the locker room, but guess what? You own a pair of these bad boys, and you're never going to the gym again.
SkyMall's Strain Relieving Eye Massager, manufactured by Hammacher Schlemmer, the folks who also sell a $100,000, life-sized T-Rex, is a bit too eager to tout in its description that it's "controlled from a tethered remote," the very distinguishing factor that makes it appear to be a recalled product from the '60s. Its listing on SkyMall's website has zero reviews, but apparently Hammacher Schlemmer has a block in Manhattan in midtown named after it, thanks to former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
By all means, please leave links to your favorite SkyMall products in the comments.