Next Draft of the Future
The managing editor of the internet sent us a newsletter from 2020.
Art courtesy of Dave Pell
Dave Pell, author of the uber-popular newsletter NextDraft—but, notably, not the Uber of newsletters—calls himself the managing editor of the internet. No one knows the landscape of internet news better. So, for today's installment of Terraform, we asked Dave to imagine what news we might be reading in the inboxes of tomorrow; what follows is an installment of NextDraft set five years in the future. -the Eds
1. Identity Theft
When Mordy Sudvertz finally accepted what had happened, he wanted to cry. Unfortunately, that was not an option. That sad truth set in when he found that no amount of bad news could make him squeeze out a single tear; not even the realization that he was the latest high profile victim of identity theft. Hackers left most of his traits intact, but all emotions related to sympathy, empathy, and disappointment had been removed from his personality. I'd laugh, but last month they stole my sense of humor.
+ A Florida man's wife filed divorce and sued for more than $3 million dollars after hackers leaked his thoughts onto the Internet.
+ A thirteen year-old New York student has sued her parents, for using her images on Facebook and other social networks to build their own brand.
2. An Uber They Couldn't Refuse
During a special session of the United Nations Security Council, members voted down a proposal to place a cap on the size of the fleet of black cars, SUVs, self-driving vehicles, ambulances, trains, planes, boats, robots, and drones currently operated under the Uber brand. Experts suggested that the company benefited from the lobbying efforts of their VP of Public Affairs (Former NY Mayor Bill Deblasio) and the fact that a several current members of UN Security Council also moonlight as Uber drivers.
+ Meanwhile, in San Francisco Uber beta-tested its new service where—for a low introductory fee—children can use the app to request piggy back rides from a parent. At the most inopportune moments (during dinner parties, after long days, when Daddy is Tweeting) surge pricing will apply.
3. Zuckerberg's Latest App
At the Facebook developers conference, CEO Mark Zuckerberg finally unveiled his much-anticipated app, Me Me Meme: The Social Network for Thinking to Yourself.
4. You Had Me at Jello
Tonight on Netflix, we'll finally learn the name of the mystery woman who just became Bill Cosby's 1,500th accuser. Meanwhile, Cosby is set to face yet another civil case retrial. The last 17 have been suspended when the presiding judge seemed to mysteriously fall asleep.
+ Amazon has confirmed that Diane Sawyer's hologram will host the live Christmas Day special in which Caitlyn Jenner, buoyed by the strong ratings of the past surgical specials, will undergo live, elective surgery; which this time around will be performed robotically by the Kanye 2400.
+ And from Buzzfeed, don't miss the oral history of the first season of MTV's Real Real World, the first reality show in which participants went all the way.
5. Flour Power
Americans continued to consume record levels of bread and pasta after several studies confirmed that gluten was the only decent fucking thing they had in their lives.
6. Here's Looking In You
Millions of men in their fifties are cheering the news that they'll no longer have to get annual colonoscopies now that Google's Street View for intestines is out of beta.
7. Dead Man Fighting
Marcus Mawry (1993-2017) took home the title in MMA's first ever cage-match battle of the corpses. Having run out of fighters who are both steroid-free and without any recent record of spousal abuse, the MMA roared into a new realm of fighting in which the corpses of former champions are hurled into one another until one of them disintegrates.
+ Jurors were visibly stunned when, during his fifth Deflategate appeal, Tom Brady hit his forehead and said, "Oh wait. You meant those footballs?" (Moments later, he retired.)
8. Kansas Coastlines
Former climate change denier Manderly Dunn thanked the members of his Wichita support team after becoming the first person to ever simultaneously stand in both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans at the same time.
9. You Can Even Eat The Dishes
Bulletproof Coffee's latest earnings report finally moved the butter in coffee purveyor ahead of Starbucks' marketcap. The company's remarkably bloated CEO celebrated the news with the introduction of a new product (a Tater Tot dropped into an espresso) before being rolled from the Nasdaq floor.
+ Apple once again disappointed investors with a quarter during which the company only sold 5.8 billion iPhones.
10. Bottom of the News
U.S. Ambassador to ISIS Donald Trump issued his fourth annual report. And once again, the update only included two words. "It's terrific." Other than this, little has been heard from the ambassador since he told Fox News that when elected president, he wants his Secret Service name to be Trump.
+ Twitter rolled out new feature that enables users to embed the entire Internet in a 140 character tweet.
+ Harper Collins finally announced a release date for Harper Lee's 17th posthumous To Kill a Mockingbird sequel: Atticus Finch Gives a TED Talk.