A Programmer Ate Ass to Save Cryptocurrency

Cryptocurrency prices are down, so a developer met up with cryptocurrency enthusiasts and adult film performers Brenna Sparks and Bobbi Dylan to eat some ass and save the market.

|
Aug 29 2018, 2:45pm

Images: Shutterstock. Composition: Author

After a protracted rough patch, the cryptocurrency community is breathing a small sigh of relief this week as the value of Bitcoin floats higher than it has in weeks. But why? Perhaps some unseen deal or positive piece of news is boosting the fortunes of digital currencies? Or is it because a guy went to Vegas and ate some ass?

According to some cryptocurrency fans, it’s the ass eating.

It all started with a meme that’s been percolating in the weirder corners of cryptocurrency Twitter for months: a “prophecy” that says the cryptocurrency market’s hard times will be over, somehow, thanks to ass eating—a treasured pastime around the world that normally has nothing to do with the filthy world of cryptocurrencies.

An allegedly 22-year-old developer for a cryptocurrency called Via who goes by the name Romano became heavily involved in developing and spreading the meme (it’s not totally clear who started it, but Romano has credited a Twitter user called @CryptoMessiah) tweeting over the course of months that he would eat ass to magically increase the value of cryptocurrencies. Specifically, he tweeted that he would eat the ass of Brenna Sparks, a cryptocurrency evangelist, advisor to adult industry-centric blockchain startup SpankChain, and adult performer.

On Monday, according to tweets (including NSFW photos and video) posted by Romano, Sparks, and fellow cryptocurrency enthusiast and adult performer Bobbi Dylan, he did exactly that.

Based on the tweets, it looks like Romano flew to Las Vegas (his location on Twitter is listed as being Rotterdam in the Netherlands) to meet up with Sparks and Dylan. The three met up and Romano ate ass, but this wasn’t any old frivolous, just-for-fun ass eating. They did it to save crypto, allegedly. Dylan posted the evidence to Twitter with the caption “Saving crypto with [Romano] and [Sparks].”

“Picture a large luxury suite, with giant windows overlooking the Las Vegas city skyline,” Sparks told me in an email. “My magical bum touches the tongue of Romano for a moment, then Bitcoin takes off, just as expected. You can't make this stuff up!”

Read More: Now You Can Literally Get Fucked by the Price of Bitcoin

I suppose you can’t, although it’s worth noting that Bitcoin’s recent rise began on Sunday, before the ass eating. But the price is still going up, and who am I to say for sure if a little ass eating helped or not?

In an email, Dylan said that Romano and Sparks were the prime movers of this juicy plot (Sparks told me nobody in particular organized it and it all kind of just fell into place) but that “Brenna knew I built my own crypto mining rig and do porn also, so [I’m] always down to meet fellow internet nerds and [have] crypto convos.” According to Sparks, Dylan was present to serve as the meeting’s notary and boost Sparks’ confidence.

Romano didn’t respond to Motherboard’s request for comment, instead posting a screenshot of my email to Twitter with the caption “Oh god.”

What are we to make of what is certainly one of the weirder moments in the annals of cryptocurrency history, besides it giving “Buttcoin” a whole new meaning? According to Dylan, “Eat ass, it helps the market.”

Get six of our favorite Motherboard stories every day by signing up for our newsletter.