This is how you're supposed to play video games, right?
Nintendo's hot new console is finally here and everyone is talking about how great it is. It's Zelda this, Zelda that, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda. If you didn't know any better you'd think it only had one game, but thankfully that isn't the case.
One other game is 1-2-Switch, a mini-game collection that shows off Nintendo's Joy-Cons, the new controllers included with the console that features motion controls and HD rumble. What is HD rumble? A feature that is supposed to simulate the feel of different objects like ice cubes in a glass, an example Nintendo used during the reveal of the feature.
1-2-Switch has a mini-game simply called "Milk," where players must move their Joy-Con up and down while pressing the side buttons as if milking a giant cow teat; a mini-game my friend and fellow games writer Laura Kate Dale said felt "100 percent like jerking off a penis." That gave me the brilliant idea that I'd try to play said mini-game by putting a Joy-Con up my ass. I mean, it can't be that difficult, right? I do Kegels all day every day (I'm doing them as I type this) and I've been told that "my pussy be yankin'" so I've got the equipment to do it.
Before attempting to squeeze out cups of virtual milk with my sphincter, I asked my friend who is an EMT (and wishes to remain anonymous) if there is anything to worry about. "Sharp edges can possibly cause abrasions, but you should be okay so long as you use plenty of lube, take your time, and don't lose it inside yourself," they said. So I did what any sane man would do, I put my Joy-Con in a Trojan Magnum condom of the many that I just happened to have in my nightstand, lubed it and my ass up, and got to work.
[Editor's note: Motherboard can't in good conscience recommend that you insert a Joy-Con into any of your orifices. Please don't try this at home.]
I decided to use the left Joy-Con, as the stick is towards the end of the controller and I viewed that as my biggest challenge. But turns out, like always, just getting started was the hard part. After a bit of fussing, I finally got it in with the long wrist strap dangling out. And wouldn't you know it, the console could no longer see the controller. I may have been foiled by the dreaded left Joy-Con disconnecting from the console issue, though I'm not sure this was exactly the same problem.
I wasn't about to let that get me down, as I'm a trooper. So I took a quick bathroom break, grabbed the right Joy-Con, and repeated the process. Wouldn't you know, the exact same thing happened!
Turns out the bluetooth transmitter included in the Joy-Cons isn't powerful enough to reach through the layers of fat, bone, and hair that make up my dad-like behind. Heck, I should have known after seeing so many reports of people having desync issues. I experienced some disconnects sitting mere feet away from my docked console, even when the Joy-Con wasn't in my butt. I can't help but wonder if I'd have had success if I were a bit more fit. Maybe one day. A boy can dream.
I left a voicemail for Nintendo asking if this is by design and to see if playing anally is an approved means of using the Joy-Con. They did not return my call, and after reading this article, they probably never will.
You can't play the Nintendo Switch with your ass. Consider this myth BUSTED!