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Will Romney Pay Tax Return Ransom?

As Bitfloor.com (the U.S.' largest Bitcoin site) services have come grinding to a halt in the wake of a "$250,000 theft of its currency":http://www.techspot.com/news/50043-bitfloor-breached-hacker-makes-off-with-250000-in-bitcoins.html, two questions...

As services of Bitfloor.com (the U.S.’ largest bitcoin exchange) have come grinding to a halt in the wake of a $250,000 theft of its currency, two questions arise: a) Where will Mitt Romney buy the $1 million in bitcoin needed to pay ransom on his stolen tax returns, and b) is this actually happening? Seriously, is this a dream? Well, for a moment we can pretend this is a polygraph test, in which case a few pedigree questions can help us validate if this might be real:

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How many heat records have been surpassed in the United States alone this summer? 20,000+. How many people will be murdered in Chicago this year? An estimated 505. Did Vladimir Putin just spread the wings of a motorized hang glider to help some cranes find their way home? Yes, he did. While these unrelated answers should hardly constitute any truths — that some group of hackers enjoying themselves (think World of Warcraft grievance, 2008), with the unprecedented believability of events taking place this summer, it seems only necessary that by some great hoax or real crime, bitcoin legends ought deservingly stake a plot in the zeitgeist. Still, I and my colleagues try not to be flummoxed by these reports. Isn’t this just some anarchist’s golden hour? Some Banksy-of-the-internet canonization in a cyberpunk renaissance? Whether or not Romney’s authentic tax return is the hands of some bitcoin bullies, if disrupting the shit out of the GOP nominee is of any intention, then that objective seems to be of some success.

As the Secret Service investigates this mischief — despite popular notions that it’s all a crazy web hoax (just see the ransom note left by the hack-mailer) — those people who most eagerly await some glimpse of the tax documents Romney stubbornly withholds must feel pipedreamishly closer to seeing them. Chuck Shumer, who previously made notable exhortations about the inherently criminal nature of such untraceable currency must be scrubbing off his index finger, preparing to point it forward and say, “I told you so.” Until we find out if this is real, let’s suppose Romney is forced to pay said ransom. I spent much of the day illustrating how this might pan out — enjoy:

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