This Scientific Paper on How to Win at Online Dating Is Bleak

It's coming up to Valentine's day, which for many of us means an increasingly desperate slog of resigned right-swiping, "liking," and "matching" while normal people do crazy things like actually ask people out in real life.

Wondering why that profile you half-heartedly clicked doesn't <3 you back? Let science be your wingman.

Turns out there's a whole bunch of studies on online dating; a new ana​lysis published, for some reason, in the BMJ journal Evidence Based Medicine bases its findings on 86 studies across sociology, psychology, and computer, behavioural and neurocognitive sciences. Researchers Khalid Khan from Queen Mary University in London and Sameer Chaudhry from the University of North Texas trawled through these to explore the online dater's perpetual problem: How to get from endlessly clicking to actually going on a date?

"We synthesised this evidence to learn how online dating could be improved, maximising the chances of converting electronic communication into a face-to-face meeting," they write. Sounds sexy.

Their analysis is not about the questionable "​science" claimed by some dating sites' algorithms, but the way users themselves choose to present themselves and how that affects their online to offline conversion rate. It sounds cold, but that's what we're all looking for. Khan told me the findings applied to online dating sites as well as apps like Tinder.

First up, the authors advise against using screen names that suggest inferiority, using words like "little." "Playful" screen names are more attractive, for which they give the example "Fun2bewith" (blech). Women do better by flaunting a physical trait in their username, like how cute they are (ugh), while men are advised to hint at their intelligence.

There is one interesting point, however: Screen names that start with a letter from the first half of the alphabet do better. Part of that's because you might pop up earlier in alphabetised results, but the researchers also reference studies that show names nearer the top of the alphabet are correlated with "a variety of measures of success" including educati​on and inc​ome, which gives me a nice excuse for any failings in my life.

While guys are advised to look clever in their username, that's something you want to avoid in the headline text of your profile. Science says use smaller words: Simple language is easier to process, resulting in higher ratings of intelligence and likeability.

But let's not pretend that words are the most important thing in the online dating game. Being really attractive is definitely a huge help, as the disheartening graph above from OKCu​pid shows. The paper suggests a few generic tips to salvage what you have: a smile that crinkles your eyes, a slight tilt of the head, and, for women, wearing red, which apparently results in significantly more messages.

The analysis of the more in-depth aspects of online dating, like your full bio, paints a depressingly true-to-life picture of the realities of choosing potential partners based on an online profile. "Individuals are pursued or ignored based on a quick perusal of the profile," one section starts. Another observes that, "Although browsing profiles can itself be a rewarding exercise, too much choice can be paralysing," and notes sagely, "One can get into a counterproductive assessment mindset."

If after all this you actually get to sending a message, it's time to start jumping through more hoops. It should go without saying that you've got to at least pretend to tailor that copy-paste opener to the individual, but don't go overboard with the compliments. Confirming the experience of every woman on any dating site, the researchers write that an overly positive view "raises suspicion about the motives of the complimenter."

Do respond promptly; "the Rules" don't count online. Be spontaneously funny. Ask open-ended questions. Write enough that you look generous with your time, but not too much to be a bore. Include a 70:30 ratio of information about you, and what you're looking for. Send rhyming poetry.

In all, the paper is a pretty exhaustive guide and, let's face it, if you're reading medical journals for dating advice you're probably already behind the pack. As the authors point out at one point, "Online daters focus too much on details without realising that likeability springs from subconscious initial impressions."

You might be able to use their tips to blag that likeability in a few email exchanges, but if ever you actually get to the IRL stage, you're on your own.