Scared of Clowns? I Dare You to Not Look at These Twisted Patents

I scoured Google Patents for the most clownish technologies on the books, because I hate myself.

by Brian Anderson

October 5, 2016, 6:55pm

Clowns, man. They're everywhere!

They're stalking our neighborhoods, making hoax death threats, and generally being, well, clowns. It's gotten so bad, police in Utah actually had to advise against shooting random clowns. And did you hear the White House—the White House!—deferred a press inquiry on "creepy clowns" to the FBI and Department of Homeland Security.

What is going on? Why here? Why now? What have we done to deserve this? Whatever it is, the nation is in the throes of a veritable Clown Panic. One can only wonder if the War on Clowns will extend to that great theatre of American invention, ingenuity, business, and intellectual property recognition, the US Patent and Trademark Office. Because holy SHIT, makeup'd jesters are lurking all over patent filings stretching back decades. Clowns freaking love patents.

I decided to spin through Google Patents and gather just a few of the most clownish patents on the books, because I hate myself. They're arguably the most clown-y clown technologies ever devised. They're also the most twisted.

If you have coulrophobia, I'm so sorry.

Make Up Application Kit (2004)

"A make up kit comprises a base material in which colorants may be mixed to achieve desired hues that may then be applied to a person," the filing says. Goddamnit. Also, how was this only granted in 2004?

Group Specific Simplified Cellular Telephones (2004)

"[T]he predetermined visual display," this filing reads, "may comprise facial characteristics, wherein such facial characteristics may be more specifically representative of a predetermined, particular type of face, such as but not limited to a clown face." Yes, this is a clown phone.

Also, why you gotta go and drag my mom and dad and my friends and my home into this? What'd they ever do to you? Nothing. NOTHING.

Three-Dimensional, Virtual Reality Space Display Processing Apparatus, a Three Dimensional Virtual Reality Space Display Processing Method, and an Information Providing Medium (2000)

Why.

Image Processor for Delayed Message, Balloon, and Character's Face (1999)

Nope, not OK. This is not OK.

User Controlled Real Object Disappearance in a Mixed Reality Display (2013)

But does it work 100 percent of the time?

Decorative, Visually Stimulating Display and Article Holding System (1998)

It's certainly stimulating every last drip of nightmare fuel in my brainbox. And nice job ruining Jerry's birthday, you monster. (Editor's note: This is just a bag!?)