The Jurassic World Porn Parody That Asks: What If Dinosaurs Were Porn Stars?

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could fuck a dinosaur, they didn’t stop to think if they should fuck a dinosaur.”

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Jun 22 2018, 1:30pm

Jurassic Park is the cool kid of cinematic history—25 years after its 1993 release, it remains almost universally beloved. In addition to the show-stopping dinosaur chases and epic musical score, the film is packed with crackling banter and meaty themes unmatched in any of its sequels.

But one thing that even the original Jurassic Park doesn’t have? A penis-shaped volcano. It’s an obvious oversight that will be remedied with the release of Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong, a porn parody of the franchise made by production company WoodRocket and Pornhub.

Released on Thursday on Pornhub, the film tells the tale of how Jurassic Park becomes Jurassic Brothel when scientists combine “the DNA of dinosaurs and porn stars,” according to a press release. The stars of Jurassic Wood, who are based on the Jurassic World characters Owen (Chris Pratt) and Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) “must try to get the sexy dino-ladies off of the island before the dildo volcano erupts and they all meet a sticky & gooey end.”

Spoiler alert: This sticky & gooey end is NOT averted. Much like the source material it parodies, Jurassic Wood ends with some sombre reflections about the hubris of genetically hybridizing dinosaurs with other animals. As an imitation Jeff Goldblum notes in a closing scene: “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could fuck a dinosaur, they didn’t stop to think if they should fuck a dinosaur.” Wise words for the ages.

Read More: AI-Assisted Fake Porn Is Here and We’re All Fucked

While Jurassic Wood is harnessing the excitement over the impending release of the latest Jurassic World, it’s also an indicator of how popular dinosaur porn has become as its own subgenre. You know those T-rex costumes that pop up everywhere from dance recitals to parkour videos? They’ve moved in herds over to porn as well, along with many other earnest investigations of dinosaur mating behaviors.

Meanwhile, dinosaur erotica is booming, with titles like Ravished by Triceratops, A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay, and my personal favorite, Space Raptor Butt Invasion. Dinoporn has even attracted the attention of academics like Clarissa Smith, a media and cultural studies professor at the University of Sunderland.

“The idea of having sex with [a dinosaur] is outside the realms of possibility,” Smith told The Guardian. “It’s a bit like ‘magic,’ where all rules become suspended, and for that reason it may well allow for imaginative risk-taking impossible in more standard couplings.”

So if you’re the type of person whose kinks surrounding Jurassic Park aren’t related to that lingering shot of a bare-chested Jeff Goldblum, but rather the idea of looking up dinosaurs’ skirts, rest assured you’re not alone. May we all find the courage to hold onto our butts in the way that suits us most.

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