Mad Backrubs at the Hotey: Craigslist Jams

I have no idea if this sprawling ad recently posted on Craigslist is legit, or not. It's almost too good, to the point that all its wooked-out wordisms and heady brazenness leads me to believe that indeed it is was sincere. Maybe we can just take stock in its parting line: "Please don't flag this because I'm serious."

That is, really, really serious about scoring a date to a patchouli-addled evening with bro-crunch troupe Sound Tribe Sector 9, colloquially known as STS9. He's got an extra ticket. If you're a female and cute, and into "mad dips of mahldawg," yours could be the distinct honor of standing around for three hours with some stranger you met on the internet, nursing overpriced micro brews and kicking the cold feelies of all that bunk mollie some aging wizard sold you out front before the show.

The ad is equal parts breathless and scupulous, shaking out in list form. A condensed version could go something like this:

This night will be magical for more reasons that i can fucking count. I can count, so don't get it twisted because i'm great at math, there's just shitloads of reasons this night will rule. 

Namely,

are you ready to celebrate murphs cancer recovery while sipping IPAs with a totally chill guy that wears mad sweaters. Sketchy dudes never wear sweaters.

But really, dude's just good people.

I'm a really nice guy and whenever you need to use the restroom I will gladly get out of your way. Also, I will have a lot of water in case you are thirsty and I will keep a look out for security if you want to smoke weed or something. I will also hold your coat or let you wear mine. Chivalry isn't dead, it's just looking for chicks on craigslist.

Let's get real, though. The clincher?

mad backrubs at the hotey

I don't mean this as a hit on STS9, its fans, or any other related acts, their fans, the early- to mid-2000s jam circuit at large, ad infinitum. If that's your speed, that's great. Look, The Grateful Dead are one of my favorite bands, ever. I'm in absolutely no position to talk.

Who is? Maybe the girl who took up dude's offer.

Reach Brian at brian@motherboard.tv. @thebanderson