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Yelp's Cesspool of Foodie Tears Just Got a New Hot Tub!

We cringe when it takes our friends forever to order food, deep in the menu, distracted, mistaking it for a Cezanne or something. Perhaps we nudge with suggestions or say, “It's ok, take your time, sorry, She's unsure, yeah... sorry, just a sec.” How...

We cringe when it takes our friends forever to order food, deep in the menu, mistaking it for a Cezanne or something. Perhaps we nudge with suggestions or say, "It’s ok, take your time, sorry, She’s unsure, yeah… sorry, just a sec." How about managing this all from the safe distance of a touchscreen? Yelp, the web’s biggest business review site has just flipped a page in its saga of social network strategy. Concerned Yelpers will now gain the ability to leave direct comments and tips on friends’ check-ins.

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Out of curiosity one day, I had to pull a definition from the American Heritage Dictionary: Yelp – To utter a short, sharp bark or cry: excited dogs yelp; I yelped in pain when stung by a bee. It all makes sense: based off my friends that Yelp, there’s a lean toward general dissatisfaction that I’ve always equated with the site.

Shit, I don’t even really go out with them anymore, not after hearing of a dinner marred by their attempt to convert dollar rice into free rice because they didn’t like an order mistake and felt the bonus was ‘fair.’ Thanks to the newfound commenting ability, I could theoretically avoid these clowns even more, sparing myself from those horrific displays of customer-is-always-rightitude. We’ll be able to hear our friends’ sharp barking and crying much quicker than ever before. In terms of convenience, it’s like Kenobi’s exhortation at the end of A New Hope. Or it could be like:

"Don’t get the green pesto!! Their red pesto is the besto! Luv ya, Jen."

"I had an interesting experience there… all I gotta say is good luck, dude."

"Blanched jellyfish salad! Catfish sandwich is also a fav! XO."

According to Yelp, comments will be limited to friends only. Apparently Yelp wants to retain some modesty at the end of the day, but I’ll still be a snob and pass. I’ll reserve this site for internet sideshow entertainment, filing it somewhere with the nostalgia of Tripod, Geocities, and Lycos. The Yelp interface has mostly cheated me from quick information, like yellow pages that lead to white pages or blue pages or some shit – oh shit, am I yelping right now? It seems this comment feature could be likened to routine breast or testicular cancer screenings. Early detection is key, so alerting your friend right after they check-in could ultimately save them from a disastrous plate of dry kebab, untamed service staff, or some toilet in the back that doesn’t flush.

Chowhound and Eater – these are what I use these for traveling. They’ve been especially helpful in Italy and Vietnam, with a fortune of user details, more austerity, less bitchiness, less overt internet weirdness, and hardly any incentive for fake and self-reviewers. Yelp’s new feature should have people sliding their touchscreens for check-in comments, scrutinizing a food order while they wait for updates, deciding whether or not they should stay or make a check-in elsewhere. I’d like to see an ad spot of the suave experience, anyone see the Google Glasses? But this is no future, it’s now, and while the new function is fresh, its only a matter of time before sharp barks and cries emerge. I guess it’ll be a yelp for Yelp to yelp.

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