Kansas Man Wouldn’t Stop Fucking a Car Until He Was Tased

In the year 2018, in the land of the free and home of the brave, it’s simply not possible to fuck a car in peace without having someone call the cops on you.

Ryan Malek, a 23-year-old Kansas man, was charged Wednesday with lewd and lascivious behavior. His crime: Trying to put his dick in the tailpipe of a car, in public.

In May, someone at an apartment complex saw a man scuffling around in the parking lot, under a car. That person called 911, and when the cops arrived, they found a dude fuckin’ a car. Malek didn’t stop. The cops tased and arrested him, and took him to the hospital, and later found that his blood alcohol level was at four times the legal limit.

According to court documents obtained by The Smoking Gun, Malek “unlawfully, intentionally and publicly exposed a sex organ in the presence of another person” who hasn’t consented to seeing all that. In Malek’s case, those included six people, plus the police.

We don't know whether the car belonged to Malek, or if he was having an extra-automobile affair with someone else’s ride. The make and model of the car also isn’t named in the court documents, very important information I’d say. But it’s not actually illegal to fuck a car—it’s just against the law to do it in broad daylight, for other people to see.

Not to assume too much about the seriousness of Malek’s relationship with this vehicle, but being in love with one’s car is an established fetish called mechanophilia, and includes sexual attraction to bikes, helicopters, ships, and aeroplanes. (If you’ve ever tried to fuck a helicopter, I would love to hear from you.)

In some countries, mechanophilia can land you in prison or on a sex offender registry. In 2007, a man in Scotland was caught by hostel workers while trying to hump his bike. But here in the US of A, it’s not actually illegal to fuck a car—it’s just against the law to do it in broad daylight.

A Washington state man claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars, and when the Telegraph talked to him in 2008, he was in a serious relationship with a Volkswagen. And this guy, whom you can watch making out with his car, if you’re into that.

Then there’s this person, who wants to fuck Lightning McQueen from Cars, which begs the eternal question: Do the cars in Cars fuck?

Listen buddy, the point here is, you may bone your car all you want, just do it inside if you don't want to risk getting arrested.