So There's an App That Lets You Text Like You're Drunk When You're Sober

Why—how—is this a thing? Some thoughts.

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Jul 21 2014, 8:45pm

In the beginning, there was the drunk dial. Then, there was the drunk text message. Now, because we're living in the Future, there's the sober-"drunk" message, because why actually attempt to compose logical strings of letters when your whole world is spinning when you've got Drunk Post Translator to do the "drunk" composing for you?

It's a simple hack, and it does exactly what you might expect it to do: translate otherwise sober-sounding text into drunk-sounding text. Just enter a blurb in the text field, select a filter (Tipsy, Drunk, Very Drunk, or Smashed), click 'Translate,' and you're on your way:





You get the idea.

And yet you're probably asking, why/how is this an actual thing? I'll hazard to guess that more often than not, you want to appear far less drunk than you really are when you're drunk and texting. Right?

I can nevertheless still think of a handful of scenarios where something like Drunk Post Translator might possibly be a useful service.

You Need to Flake, Convincingly

If you text, you flake, and poorly at that. Awkward texting is the new lie detector test, after all. But what if there were a way to bail on your friend's party (you know, the one you said on Facebook you'd attend) when it's already 10pm, your bed feels great, and... Well, why even bother? Just pretend like you're too far gone to show up:





Looks pretty convincing, no? Let's try another scenario.

You Want to Make "Social Commentary" of Drunk Texters, Because Getting Drunk (and Texting) Actually Sucks

Let's face it: Getting drunk is the absolute worst. Know what's also the absolute worst? Drunk people who have to tell you everything via text when they're a dozen deep, bro. What better way, then, to joke with a friend (you know, the one who also bailed on the aforementioned party, for similar reasons) about that one dude who has to tell you everything via text when he's a dozen deep, bro:





You're Having Trouble Writing the Part of the "Day-Drunk Freelancer" in That Screenplay You Swear You're Almost Done Writing

So you're having a tough time nailing the voice for Jacques, the disheveled, yet brilliant daytime-drunk protagonist in that screenplay you've been writing for a while now. The poor guy never files on time, texting his editor a half-hour before deadline, begging for an extension. Let DTT do the work for you:





Well, there you have it. That's literally as far as I can imagine Drunk Text Translator coming in handy. I, for one, hope my phone dies soon, because I will not shed a single tear.