Queen Victoria is the Internet's Latest and Greatest Oversharer

A month ago, at the push of a button and as a diamond jubilee gift to the world, Queen Elizabeth II put her great-great-grandmother’s complete journals online. Like WikiLeak’s Cablegate page, Queen Victoria’s Journals combines Web 1.0 aesthetics with a mind-numbing volume of content—except here, landing on the 99.9% of entries that are just plain dull1 doesn’t disappoint so much as prove the point. The sun may have never set on her empire, but the Queen–Empress’s daily routine seems about as constricted, tedious, and morally bankrupt as the average season (or rather, 63 seasons) of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Not that Victoria’s inner life is bleak and mean, so much as non-existent—i.e., she’s more Khloé than Kim. This is a woman whose prose style is the same at age 30 as it was at 13 and will be at 80. One whose sole productive activity is, to go by her journal entries, writing in her journal. One who never passes on an opportunity for double exclamation points or triple underlines. One who loves sex with her husband but is mostly disgusted by the resultant babies. (Wouldn’t you be if you had to pop out 9 in 17 years—including a stretch of 6 in 8—for the good of the nation?) In other words, a social media natural.2

After six decades in a job that measures success by the number of days you manage to stay alive, the present queen’s last rival left is Victoria.3 This would suggest some nefarious reasons for Elizabeth’s making her ancestress’s not-altogether-flattering scribblings public, but Victoria was ahead of her (eponymous) times on matters of self-exposure. Or as she noted Tuesday, January 24, 1843: “Wrote in my journal, which I am vain enough to think may perhaps some day be reduced to interesting memoirs.” Indeed, Victoria’s own handwritten originals are accompanied on the website by redacted copies made by her daughter Princess Beatrice—whose penmanship is even more inscrutable than Mom’s—and typescript versions by one Lord Esher. The former seems just the thing you’d make an annoying youngest child do; the latter proves that being a viscount isn’t all fun and fascinators.

Unfortunately text-searchable transcriptions of the journals are currently only available to 1840 so it’s nigh-impossible to either confirm or disprove the one thing (NSFW!) Victoria’s dour, god-fearing, science-loving, hypercontrolling husband is these days known for. But suffice it to say the young Prince–Consort was Robert Pattinson dreamy. Except more Germanic. And dreamier.

Tuesday, October 15, 1839

Got up at 10, and breakfasted at ½ p. Saw my dear Cousins come home quite safe from the Hunt, and charge up the hill at an immense pace. Wrote to Feodore &c. Saw Esterhazy. Wrote to Victoire. At about ½ p.12, I sent for Albert; he came to the Closet where I was alone, and after a few minutes I said to him, that I thought he must be aware why I wished them to come here,- and that it would make me too happy if he would consent to what I wished (to marry me); we embraced each other over and over again, and he was so kind, so affectionate; oh! to feel I was, and am, loved by such an Angel as Albert, was too great delight to describe! he is perfection; perfection in every way,- in beauty – in everything! I told him I was quite unworthy of him and kissed his dear hand,- he said he would be very happy, "das Leben mit dir zu zubringen", and was so kind, and seemed so happy, that I really felt it was the happiest brightest moment in my life, which made up for all that I had suffered and endured. Oh! how I adore and love him, I cannot say!! how I will strive to make him feel as little as possible the great sacrifice he has made; I told him it was a great sacrifice,- which he wouldn’t allow; I then told him of the necessity of keeping it a secret, except to his father and Uncle Leopold and Stockmar, to whom he said he would send a Courier next day,- and also that it was to be as early as the beginning of February.

Saturday, November 2, 1839

Got up at 9 and breakfasted at ½ p. Wrote to Lord Melbourne. Read in Hallam, which I thought very interesting. Played on the piano. Wrote my journal. At 20 m. to 12 dearest Albert came to me, and he went and fetched Ernest, who was looking and felt much better. He sat on the sofa in the Closet with me, and dearest Albert sat in an armchair close to me. He went into Lehzen’s room for a moment, and went to look at some rooms; and Ernest afterwards went for a moment into the next room to see Clark. Dearest Albert took my face in both his hands and kissed me most tenderly, and said: "Ich habe dich so lieb, ich kann nicht sagen wie!" dearest Angel, so kind of him; and he said we should be "so glücklich"; if I can only make him happy!

Saturday, November 9, 1839

At a ½ p.6 my Precious Albert came to the Closet, and we stood by the fire together and talked together; he talked of his going, which grieved me so, that I began to cry; and he looked down into my face, with such an angelic expression in his dear beautiful face; I laid my heap on his bosom, and he wiped away my tours with his hand and took me and pressed me in his arms, and kissed me so often,- as I did him. We then sat on the sofa together, and dearest Albert put his arm round my waist, and leant quite close to me, and kissed my neck and head, and said "Du bist so herzlich gegen mich"; he is so fond of me! How blessed I am! How I do love him! I kissed his hand; and told him how happy I was, and how grateful I was to him. We went and played on the piano together, and he called me when he kissed me and was going away, "Vortrefflichste". Wrote my jour – nal. At 8 we dined. Only 16 at dinner.

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Monday, February 10, 1840 [Wedding Day]

After looking about our rooms for a little while, I went and changed my gown, and then came back to his small sitting room where dearest Albert was sitting and playing; he had put on his Windsor coat; he took me on his knee, and kissed me and was so dear and kind. We had our dinner in our sitting room; but I had such a sick headache that I could eat nothing, and was obliged to lie down in the middle blue room for the remainder of the evening, on the sofa; but, ill or not, I never, never spent such an evening!! My dearest dearest dear Albert sat on a footstool by my side, and his excessive love and affection gave me feelings of heavenly love and happiness, I never could have hoped to have felt before! He clasped me in his arms, and we kissed each other again and again! His beauty, his sweetness and gentleness,- really how can I ever be thankful enough to have such a Husband! – At ½ p.10 I went and undressed and was very sick, and at 20 m. p.10 we both went to bed; (of course in one bed), to lie by his side, and in his arms, and on his dear bosom, and be called by names of tenderness, I have never yet heard used to me before – was bliss beyond belief! Oh! this was the happiest day of my life! – May God help me to do my duty as I ought and be worthy of such blessings!

Tuesday, February 11, 1840

When day dawned (for we did not sleep much) and I beheld that beautiful angelic face by my side, it was more than I can express! He does look so beautiful in his shirt. only, with his beautiful throat seen. We got up at a ¼ p.8. When I had laced I went to dearest Albert’s room, and we breakfasted together. He had a black velvet jacket on, without any neckcloth on, and looked more beautiful than it is possible for me to say; we sat talking together till 20 m. p.10. Wrote to Lord Melbourne, and Ma., from whom I had a letter. At 12 I walked out with my precious Angel, all alone – so delightful, on the Terrace and new Walk, arm in arm! Eos our only companion. We talked a great deal together. We came home at one, and had luncheon soon after. Poor dear Albert felt sick and uncomfortable, and lay down in my room,- while I wrote to Uncle Leopold. He looked so dear, lying there and dosing.

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Victoria’s entries on her pregnancies, confinements, and deliveries (Vicky, the mother of Kaiser Wilhelm II, arrived nine months and eleven days after the wedding) have yet to be transcribed, and far be it for this non-paleographer to attempt it. But the word “chloroform” is easily made out in the scrawl.

When Gossip Girl premiered on The CW in 2007, even great supporters of the program—that is, anyone who saw it—had one verisimilitude bone to pick: Could anyone, including the very young and hyperrich, really stand going to essentially the same party once, twice, three times a week, every single week? Absolutely, if the 15-year-old Princess Victoria of Kent is anything to go by.

Tuesday, June 2, 1835

I awoke at 7 and got up at ½ past 7. At a ¼ to 9 we breakfasted. At 10 we went out with Lehzen. At 11 came the Dean till 12. At 12 came Mr. Westall till 1. At 1 we lunched. At ½ past 2 came the Dean till ½ past 3. The Duchess of Northumberland was present at this lesson. At a ¼ to 4 we went with Lehzen to pay a visit to the Duchess of Cambridge. We came home at a ¼ to 6. At 7 we dined. Lady Flora dined here. At ½ past 8 we went with Lehzen and Lady Flora to the Opera. We came in near the end of the 1st act of "Semiramide", which was performed by a Madame Fincklohr, who is not a bad singer, but a very unpleasant, affected, and plain person, and her voice is not pleasing. Tamburini was Assur and looked extremely well, and sang very well (though we heard but little of his singing), and Brambilla was Arsace. After this came Gnecco’s comic opera "La Prove d’un Opera Seria", compressed into one short act. The principal characters are: Corilla Tortorini (Prima Donna for the Opera Seria), Mdlle. Grisi who acted with great spirit, looked very pretty, and sang very well, though the music did not admit of her lovely voice being heard to advantage as it is very comic and she sings but little in it. Campanone (Maestro and Composer of the music of the Piece), Signor Lablache, who was beyond every thing! He looked so funny in his huge powdered wig and bad, brown silk coat and sword. And acted – Oh! inimitably!

Friday, June 5, 1835

I awoke at 7 and got up at 8. At 9 we breakfasted. At 10 we went out with Lehzen. At 11 came M. Grandineau till 12. At 12 came the Dean till 1. At 1 we lunched. At ½ past 2 came Mme. Bourdin till 3. At 3 came the Dean till 4. The Duchess of Northumberland was present at the last lesson. At ½ past 4 we went out driving with Lehzen, and came home at a ¼ to 6. At ½ past 6 we dined. At 8 we went to the Opera with dear Lehzen and Charles. It was Ottello. The characters were just the same as last time. Grisi sang and acted through-out most beautifully, and looked very lovely. Rubini also sang beautifully. Ivanoff likewise sang very sweetly. Lablache and Tamburini both sang and acted in their usual splendid manner; though the music is rather too high for Lablache’s voice. Grisi and Ivanoff were enchored in the beautiful trio "Ti parle l’amore" near the end of the 1st act. Lablache gave the curse splendidly! When he lets out his fine voice with immense force, while at the same time the orchestra gives a loud burst and Desdfemona falls prostrate and senseless at her parents’ feet!

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Saturday, June 13, 1835

I awoke at 7 and got up at 8. At 9 we breakfasted. At 10 Lehzen and I walked out till ½ past 10. At 11 came the Dean till 12. At 12 came Mr. Westall till 1. At 1 we lunched. At 2 came the Duke and Duchess of Gordon. At ½ past 2 came the Dean till ½ past 3. At a ¼ to 5 Lehzen and I walked out till a ¼ past 5. At 6 we dined. Lady Flora dined here. At ½ past 7 we went with Lehzen, Lady Flora, and Charles to the Opera. It was "I Puritani" again. Grisi sang and acted throughout beautifully and looked lovely. The duet between Grisi and Lablache, in the beginning of the Opera, commencing with "O amato zio, o mio secondo padre!" is extremely beautiful. Rubini sang in his usual exquisite manner. Lablache and Tamburini likewise sang beautifully; but the former seemed to suffer from the heat, looked pale, and oppressed, and was not in his usual good spirits, though he acted extremely well.

Tuesday, June 16, 1835

I awoke at 7 and got up at 8. At 9 we breakfasted. At ½ past 9 Lehzen and I walked out till 10. At 11 came the Dean till 12. At 12 came Mr. Westall till 1. At 1 we lunched. At ½ past 2 came the Dean till ½ past 3. At 5 we went out with Lehzen till ½ past 5. At ½ past 6 we dined. At 10 minutes to 8 we went to the Opera with Lehzen and Charles. It was "Marino Faliero". Grisi was in perfect voice and acted and sang beautifully throughout. She sang the lovely duet "Vivi la mia memoria" with Rubini in the 1st act most beautifully; and she sang the beautiful scena in the 3rd act commencing with "Tutti or morte"" and concluding with "Fra due tombe, fra due spettri" splendidly; as also the splendid duet between her and Lablache in the last scene. Lablache was likewise in excellent voice and sung and acted beautifully. The splendid duet between him and Tamburini (who likewise sang beautifully) was beautifully sung by both and the latter part was loudly enchored. Lablache acted and sang the finale to the 2nd act beautifully. Rubini, last but not least, sang exquisitely.

Friday, June 19, 1835

I awoke at 7 and got up at a ¼ to 8. At a ¼ to 9 we breakfasted. At 10 we went out with Lehzen till a ¼ to 11. At 11 came M. Grandineau till 12. At 12 came the Dean till 1. At 1 we lunched. At ½ past 2 came Mme. Bourdin till 3. At 3 came the Dean till ½ past 3. At a ¼ past 5 we dined. At 20 minutes to 7 we went to the play to Covent Garden with Lehzen, Lady Conroy and Charles. It was Beethoven’s opera of "Fidelio" in 3 acts (translated into English). The characters are;Don Fernando(Minister of State), Mr. F. Cooke. Don Pizarro(Governor of the prison), Mr. Bedford who sang and acted shockingly! Don Florestano (a state prisoner unlawfully detained by the cruelty of Pizarro), Mr. Templeton who sang tollerably well. Rocco(the gaoler), Mr. E. Seguin, who sang and acted very well indeed. Leonora (the wife of Florestano and disguised as a young man under the fictitious name of Fidelio), Mme. Malibran who sang and acted most beautifully. Marcelline(Rocco’s daughter), Mrs. E. Seguin, who sang and acted very nicely. Malibran’s acting was perfect throughout, but her great triumph was in the cave-scene in the 3rd act, when Pizarro attempts to stab Florestano and she throws herself before him with her arm round his neck, exclaiming "Behold his wife!" And in a few minutes afterwards when Pizarro again attempts to stab her husband, she takes a pistol from her bosom and presents it to Pizarro which she did splendidly.

How did Victoria spend the rest of June 1835? On the 20th, 23rd, 27th, and 30th, there were operas.

In “The Subjection of Women,” John Stuart Mill makes an almost modern-sounding argument for the political liberation of women—modern because it’s the sort of blank-slate claptrap that the likes of Undergrad Barack Obama would one day score points (with girls!) by accurately and pretentiously dismissing as “bourgeois liberalism.” Almost, because Mill’s take on the utilitarian potential of female emancipation revolves around female monarchs. In particular, he takes issue with an old joke: “When, to queens and empresses, we add regents, and viceroys of provinces, the list of women who have been eminent rulers of mankind swells to a great length. This fact is so undeniable, that someone, long ago, tried to retort the argument, and turned the admitted truth into an additional insult, by saying that queens are better than kings, because under kings women govern, but under queens, men.”

Of course, contra the Marie Antoinettes or Madame Pompadours of France, the history of England’s lazily un-absolutist, polymorphously perverse monarchy scrambles the power-behind-the-throne punchline: King James I’s favorite was a man (said to have the best legs in Scotland); Anne I’s was a woman. But despite her inherited Hanoverian talent for not ruling—Britons would retroactively call such failures “constitutional monarchy”—Queen Victoria actually held a good deal of power in the U.K.’s unwritten free-for-all of parliaments and deference. And with great power comes great latitude to…behave like a girl forever.

Even the feminist Mill—to go by GDP or square footage, living under unquestionably the greatest female sovereign ever—cannily turns the conversation to the Annes of Brittany and Margarets of Austria of centuries past. Hardly a credit to her gender (or species), young Victoria’s pride and prejudices were managed (or formed) mostly through chaste flirtation and drawing-room cattiness—and Lord Melbourne, a singularly unspectacular Whig prime minister, proved exceptional at the task.

Friday, December 8, 1837

Lord Melbourne also spoke to me of Lord Ashley, who he says is a very good man; a and less eager in Politics than he was; Lord Ashley is a high Tory. He "adores" Lady Ashley, Lord Melbourne says. Lord Melbourne also told me that when I first came to the Throne, Lord Ashley "wrote to Emily"(Lady Cowper) "and said, Why, it’s schocking that Lord Melbourne has only put Whig ladies about the Queen;- upon which Lady Cowper said, Why, Lady Barham is not such a great Whig;- Oh! said Ashley, she is quite terrible, she is the worst of all". This amused me much. There is no end to the amusing anecdotes and stories Lord Melbourne tells, and he tells them all in such an amusing funny way. Spoke to me about horses; he told me his pretty black mare is rather crippled by his having travelled her about so much, and that she must get rest. Lady Ashley says that Lady Cowper dotes upon her grandchildren and would give them and let them do anything. Stayed up till 11. It was a very pleasant evening.

Wednesday, May 23, 1838

Lord Melbourne says Lady Howick had her mother’s wit, and a little of her father’s sharpness; he thinks her good-looking. He said Sir Joseph was well off, and has a fine place,- Sprotborough, near Doncaster. Spoke of other things, &c.,&c. After dinner I sat on the sofa by myself; my good Lord Melbourne sitting near me the whole evening; and several of the ladies being seated round the table. Lord Melbourne said Lord Leicester was better but still very weak. He said that this Lady Cecil Copley was sister to Lady George Seymour, and Mrs. Plumer Ward. Sir Lionel Copley, Sir Joseph’s elder brother, was a great Whig, and Sir Joseph a desperate Tory; he fell down from some steps in his Library at Sprotborough, broke his leg and died of it. I asked Lord Melbourne how Lady Stratheden came to be made a Peeress; it was in order, he said, to satisfy her husband, Sir J. Campbell, the Attorney General, who wished on the death of the master of the Rolls to become that; but as Ministers wished to make Lord Langdale Master of the Rolls, they made his(the Attorney General’s) wife a Peeress to please him.

Tuesday, June 16, 1838

He told me that Lord Holland had been at Oxford, at Christ Church, at the same time with Canning &c.,&c. It was rather amusing that neither of us (Ld.Melbourne and I) eat anything, both being unwell. After dinner I went to my room for a few minutes. Lady Louisa Cavendish is Lady Portman’s youngest sister; the upper part of her face is handsome, and handsomer than Lady Portman, but altogether Lady Portman is by far more pleasing. I sat on the sofa with Lady Surrey and Lady Portman; my excellent Lord Melbourne sitting near me the whole evening; and Lady Louisa, Lady Worsley, Lady Theresa, Lady Mary &c. sitting round the table. Lord Melbourne said he hoped I felt better and I said the same to him, and that I trusted he would not suffer from dining with me. I asked him what Lord Palmerston’s Politics were at the time when he stood against Lord Lansdowne and Lord Althorp. Lord Melbourne said that Lord Palmerston then belonged to the high Tory Party! […] It was a delightful evening. I did not feel very well.

Saturday, June 16, 1839

Lord M. observed some flowers upon the table. Talked of Richmond having not been in the House of Lords the night of the Education debate; of Conyngham’s having purposely kept away; "I think they can’t find fault with the Answer," Lord M. said, "it’s very civil, yet firm." Talked of the people having hissed and hooted my Ministers that day at the Gate,- under my very nose,- so infamous; they had been put there, and some gentlemen amongst whom were Cecil Forrester and Henry Baring stood there and told them who to hiss!! Lord M. said this would be punishable by law if violence had followed; he thinks(and I don’t doubt it, as these Tories are up to anything) that they did it; else they would deny it; he said there was applause mixed with hissing.

Like the elephants, so many of which she’d come to rule, Queen Victoria apparently never forgot. Melbourne left for good in 1941 (after having been recalled due to a controversy over Victoria’s sleeping arrangements). Palmerston, her hated High Tory–turned–arch-liberal, was followed into the premiership by the even more hated William Gladstone, who led the charge in turning Britain from quasi-feudal to semi-democratic. Victoria, for her part, transferred her affections to the Tories in the ridiculous person of Benjamin Disraeli, who in the 1870s lured her out of mourning for Albert (he died in 1861) to actually do her job, the description of which had gotten absurdly short. (Smile, wave, shut up—All things Elizabeth II mastered by toddlerhood, even if she never managed to teach her own kids.) Disraeli accomplished this by flirting, and making her Empress of India.

Writing in 1869, John Stuart Mill wrote of his own era vis-a-vis the historical subjection of women in a throwaway line sure to warm the cockles of the present queen’s Anglo-Scottish-Danish-but-mostly-German heart: “There is no law to prevent a woman from having written all the plays of Shakespeare, or composed all the operas of Mozart. But Queen Elizabeth or Queen Victoria, had they not inherited the throne, could not have been entrusted with the smallest of the political duties, of which the former showed herself equal to the greatest.”

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1 Hot from the Consul General in Munich: Bavaria’s “problem bear” as synecdoche for tortured German relationship with nature, anyone?

2 Despite being let down by her present-day conservators at Oxford’s Bodleian Library, who started a can’t-miss Twitter account, @QueenVictoriaRI, only to have inexplicably stopped updating June 6. If you can’t handle the genius of your own concept, hire someone who can. Consider this an application.

3 She’s already won the major moral victory of keeping her son and heir waiting longer than any other. Poor Charles—the future Edward VII was a whoring, boozing, morbidly obese Prince of Wales, but at least he had the presence of mind to spawn a first-born that was probably gay, possibly insane, and perhaps Jack the Ripper, instead of a strapping commoner-marrying stud who has even the loyalest of subjects dreaming of skipping a generation.

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