This Guy Was at Kim and Kris's Wedding Reception

Considering that the news of Kim Kardashian's divorce has caused the entire internet to explode like a magnificent foie gras fart erupting from her ample rump, and that yesterday Rob Delaney wrote what may be the Concordat of Worms of celebrity-lifestyle disgust, I thought it might be prudent to interview one of the guests at the couple's ceremony. Falling a bit short of that dream, I tracked down personal trainer to the stars and boxer extraordinaire Eric Kelly, who was a guest at Kris and Kim's wedding reception. Whether it's in the ring or eating lahmajun with a bunch of rabiz, Eric does not fuck around. So, of course, he turned out to be the perfect person to talk to about this ridiculous crises that is currently gripping the nation.

VICE: What do you do for a living?
Eric Kelly: Right now, I’m a physical fitness trainer, and I’m a former Olympic boxer. Also, I do some motivational speaking and modeling.

What’s your clientele like?
I got the star of Boardwalk Empire, Michael Pitt, and my man Vincent Piazza who is also on Boardwalk Empire. Actually, last week, Ashlee Simpson, Michael Pitt, and I were all partying at the Greenhouse. I’m also training Holt McCallany from the FX series Lights Out. He’s also shooting a film with Sylvester Stallone called Bullet to the Head.

And you were invited to Kim and Kris’s wedding?
Yeah, I was at the reception.

How was it?
Kim and Kris are cool. I’ve met Kim a couple times, and she was cool and everything, but she always seems to be on. When I say “On” I mean “lights, camera, action, let’s go.” She’s acting. Nothing seems legit. Nothing seems real. Everything seems like a role she’s playing.

We’re not a celebrity-gossip website, so just to give you a little background as to why I’m talking to you: Yesterday one of our columnists and a very funny comedian named Rob Delaney posted a declaration of his intent to sue Kim and a few other people who were integral to making her wedding happen and making sure she made tons of money off it. I wanted to speak with someone who attended the festivities to get an insider’s point of view. That, and my PR guys will NOT shut up about it, so they badgered me into doing this. But I’m glad they did because I found you and you’re an interesting person. Back to my point, though: Was it a “Big A$$ Sham” as the Post put it?
I saw it as strictly a publicity stunt, right from the get-go. I did an interview back then with celebrity magnet, kind of like a little blog or something I wrote. But I look at it as a publicity stunt. But I never really agreed with the fact that people were using marriage to make revenue. Or to get Kris Humphries more publicity… and I single him out because Kim Kardashian already has loads of publicity. But I just look at it as two young kids playing a big joke. She’s tarnishing her rep; you can’t take anything she says seriously because she’s on what they call a paper chase. She’s out to get money, and that seems to be her primary focus.

Did the wedding reception seem gaudy or over the top?
It was fun. They had live performers. We were dancing and everything. They had a lot of media there; you know, paparazzi. But it didn’t seem over the top. It was like a concert. They don’t sing or dance, but it was a fucking concert. A lot of actresses and people came. But they really had no interaction with the other people except for their close-knit circle.

Are you married?
No.

What do you think about marriage in general?
I understand how marriage is supposed to be, but unfortunately, it’s not how it’s supposed to be. We understand how the world works, but it’s not how it’s suppose to be. Know what I mean? The divorce rate has got to be damn near 50 percent or more.

Do you think that the money Kim and Kris made off the wedding should now be donated to charity?
Yeah, that would be great. They should give it to charity. I know a million charities they should give it to that would be better than them having it. For real.

Including the $2-million ring?
I know some kids in Nigeria who would love the profits they could get off that ring. Actually fuck Nigeria; I know some kids in Brooklyn. Shit, I got three kids myself who could benefit off that motherfucking ring.

I’ve been reading that Kris is heartbroken, that he didn’t know he was about to get dumped. Do you think that’s bullshit?
Listen, Kris Humphries is full of shit. He’s as full of shit as a Christmas turkey. That motherfucker took his ass to the bank. He knows what time it is; he’s not stupid. We’re supposed to believe their sob stories and cries and everything? Seventy-two days? Get the fuck out of here.

Do you think he hit it anyway?
He couldn’t hit that shit with a left hook, he ain’t hit it.

As a trainer, what do you think Kim Kardashian does to keep her butt from turning into a gelatinous mess of rice pudding?
I think that she spends a lot of time on the treadmill. I think she works on her thighs and glutes, some squats and such.

As a man who is around famous people a lot, I thought you could maybe answer this for me: Why are celebrities so awesome all the time?
’Cause they’re so bullshit all the time. I call it how I see it. You got a select few who are just awesome people, like my man Michael Pitt. I love Mike. I call him “Spikey Mike.” He is the fucking man. So it’s not celebrities, it’s mostly the motherfuckers who have been promoted to a celebrity status that have no fucking talent. They don’t do shit. Like doing something, being great at something, doing art… that’s a sign of your character and your integrity, and the struggle you had to go through to get to where you’re at today.

Amen, dude.

Follow Eric on Twitter @EricKelly