I Used to Do Drugs Every Weekend. Here's When I Realised I Had a Problem.

This piece originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

“Babe, can you get some ~stuff?” That’s the kind of text I’d get on a Friday afternoon from “Raveteam”, my friends groupchat. I’d scroll through my archived messages and hesitate – there were just too many options. I hit up a dealer listed as “KetaBro” and read over his menu but, in truth, I already knew what I wanted: "Hey, can I get 2k and 1c?” A few hours later, I’m sat at the kitchen table with my girlfriends, thinking about where we'd go out. I’d do a line before we even left the house.

Using drugs on a weekly basis used to be my idea of normal. People around me were doing it as much as I was, and not just in small quantities. But we’d only use on the weekends, so I never bothered asking myself if I was addicted.

But then I started getting more and more comedowns during the week, and, over time, even got used to them. That is, until the day I took a good look at what I was putting up my nose and began to wonder: Were we fooling ourselves by thinking our weekend habit wasn't a problem? What’s the line between recreational fun and a genuine problem?

“It's a complicated question,” sighs prevention expert Eva Kalis from Jellinek, a platform that specialises in treating addiction at several centres around the Netherlands. “And I can already tell you that there is no clear answer to this.”

Drug use can be divided into several phases. The first stage is when you get introduced to it. “That is, for example, when you smell the scent of weed for the first time or you see someone totally spaced out at a party,” she explains, adding that the second stage is when you try out the drug once or twice.

“If the experience is nice, you might switch to recreational use: using it in a controlled way on social occasions,” she says. “Recreational use means there’s no effect on your daily activities. You are in control.” Take, for instance, the people who serenely pop a few Es at a music festival a few times a year. “But if you use drugs almost every weekend, it is difficult to still label it as recreational – then we speak of habitual drug use.”

According to Kalis, habitual drug use isn’t necessarily problematic. But a number of signals may indicate that the habit is slowly evolving into an addiction: “Simply put, someone who only uses on the weekends and has no further problems does not fall under the most severe addiction category,” she says. “But are you still able to have fun at a party without taking that line or that pill? The more often you use, the greater the chance you will end up using more and more. You build up a tolerance, so you need to take more to experience the same effect.”

If you feel regret after doing drugs and exhibit physical withdrawal symptoms, these are signs that your fun lil’ habit is getting out of control. If during the week, you’re already thinking about a cheeky line or three on Friday night, you might be developing a psychological dependence. And if you’re using drugs to suppress your feelings or need them to feel better, you've probably entered the problematic phase. “Those are signals that you should take very seriously,” Kalis advises.

But what if you believe your drug use isn’t affecting your daily life, but plan to factor in the comedowns, like I did? Cancelling appointments, having trouble getting out of bed and not being as focused on work were things I saw as an inevitable side effect of my use. I had my life in order – so to speak – and nothing seemed wrong from the outside. But looking back, I think I clearly entered that problematic phase at some point.

For years, it was all fun and games. As a DJ in the Amsterdam clubbing scene, a whole new world opened up to me: guest list spots, free drinks and lots of attention. At 20, I started using coke and ket on a weekly basis. At countless parties backstage, I saw a ton of people openly hoovering drugs up their nose. They were just a means to make fun evenings even more fun. 

But lockdown changed things. Several weekends in a row, I found myself sitting in the same living room with people I actually despised. But I kept coming and was always the last to leave, simply because that's where the drugs were. “I want to disappear,” I kept thinking to myself. That little voice and the urge to numb myself became louder and louder during weekdays too, until I realised I had to change something.

While things became clearer for me, the people around me didn't seem to think they had a problem. But not everyone who does drugs on a weekly basis falls under the “problematic user” category, says Arne van den Bos, a researcher at the University of Applied Sciences in Groningen studying drug normalisation.

“Some people can handle comedowns better than others, as they are able to separate that emotional feeling from reality and see that it's just a chemical reaction,” he explains. But many can't do that: “People who score high on emotional instability, such as neuroticism, are more likely to use drugs as a coping mechanism.” Other groups of people who are more susceptible to problematic drug use are people with social anxiety, ADHD or poor impulse control.

On top of this, “the group you’re part of determines what is accepted and what goes too far,” Van den Bos adds. In my circles, it was totally normal to use coke, speed or ket every weekend, but the line was drawn at GHB, or G. “In that case, the fact that snorting cocaine takes place every weekend is totally ignored,” Van den Bos points out.

His research into societal trends also shows that drug use has become more accessible. Getting hold of drugs is easier than it was ten years ago – a dealer can now send their menu via WhatsApp and be at your doorstep after one quick text. “This has also become very normal; it’s not even thrilling for people to meet with a dealer anymore,” Van den Bos says.

Taking drugs has also become less taboo in different social circles. “Ten to 20 years ago, drugs were only used in niche groups such as the dance scene,” Van den Bos explains. “Now you see it happening all over society, like among students, for example.” Opening up a convo about drugs can only be a positive thing. But Van den Bos also talks about the concept of “bounded normality”: We only talk about drugs in circles where we know it’s accepted or even normal, but we don’t do so outside of these circles where our habits might be more significantly challenged.

He also notes that we tend to fool ourselves by telling ourselves that we use drugs just for fun, when in fact we know they are a coping mechanism on a subconscious level. “We like to justify our behaviour, because it helps to maintain our self-confidence,” he explains. “But in that case, we speak of a cognitive dissonance – when people say one thing, but do the opposite.”

Most people experiment with drugs when they are young and eventually outgrow their habit. And that’s perfectly normal behaviour, FYI. But Van Den Bos also argues it’s important to get to know yourself in social situations without the crutch of booze or drugs: “The danger of habitual use is that you can become detached from yourself, because you don't fully know what is your own reaction to certain situations and what is influenced by the chemical processes going on in your body – even days after using.”

That hit a nerve. I didn’t really know who I was without either alcohol or drugs. After that depressing realisation, I reached out to Jellinek to start a treatment of weekly sessions with a therapist to identify the triggers for my use. It became clear that I was using drugs to cope with my thoughts. I was also diagnosed with ADHD and high sensitivity, which was a big eye-opener for me.

After identifying the reasons why I took drugs, we discussed new healthy coping strategies and decided on a quit date: the 30th of October, 2022. In the weeks leading to that deadline, I did more drugs than ever, because I knew I was going to have to stop. Still, I haven’t consumed drugs or alcohol in the past few months. It’s a long, introspective journey, and it’s not always been easy. But for now, it’s what’s best for me. The Raveteam girlies will have to do without me for a while.