Lovers Come and Go, but Poo-Pourri’s Beloved Bathroom Spray Is Forever

Man, us Americans, we’re always looking for the easy way out. Want to lose weight? Be like Hollywood actors and just take some weird drugs. Need to learn something? Why read a book when an eight minute YouTube video made by a dude in his garage will do? With regard to the weird and wonderful odors the human body produces, your friendly VICE shopping team has already sifted through many of the available defenses; the odor that emanates from the bathroom after using the toilet, however, is a completely different beast. There are plenty of options to cutting out that particular catalyst of nasty smells: Storing a set of matches next to the toilet (big Midwestern energy); having a nice candle lit at all times (big boutique shoppe energy); or having an essential oil diffuser (big restaurant energy)—these are all real things people are willing to do in the bathroom to avoid the reign of stinky doo doo. Aforementioned solutions aside, there is a whole brand devoted to covering up the hurt we’re putting on our toilets (and noses). Enter Pourri, basically the Clorox bleach pen for your bowel movements (and other smelly things).

OK, so your dooks smell so bad that you’re afraid for other people to enter the bathroom after you. I get it—I’m no stranger to the consequences of eating a red salsa-laden Chipotle burrito. Now, however, instead of—I don’t know—maybe not crushing a Crave Case from White Castle for lunch, you can spend slightly more money on some [checks notes] Poo-Pourri Citrus Pocket Spray or some Bamboo Rain, which you spray on the toilet to create a magical seal on the surface of the water that keeps your dump’s aura within the murky hell you’ve created for it. That’s right, friends: You only have limited pocket space, so chuck that multi-tool or pocket knife, and replace it with a bottle of Pink Citron—aka some sparkling, strawberry-scented spray that gives a Barbie sheen to that bomb you’re about to drop (yes, this is an Oppenheimer reference, thank you). Alternatively, you can also just keep some Pourri in the bathroom for all to see. I mean, why not? At least some of us have moved on to the post-ironic era of new sincerity, so why not just make it explicit at all times that everybody poops and it always smells bad? And holy shit (pun intended), there are so many scents. Want your turds to smell like S’mores? That exists. This is the America we fight for.

Pourri isn’t even just keeping it in the john, either—it has Pet-Pourri for your stinky cat; Car-Pourri, since you needed to smoke that whole blunt before work (JK, there’s a whole separate spray for that!); and Sole-Purri, for those rank ass feet of yours. Indeed, Pourri promises “#funkfreefun” with its “proprietary Funk Lock Technology™.” But should we even want a summer free of funk? Like, what’s July without some Red Hot Chili Peppers? In any case, Pourri has gone to war with bad smells, and we’re left to wonder what kind of olfactory traumas its C-Suite team has experienced that brought us to this point. There are just some things we’re not supposed to know, I guess. Anyway, now you can poop at your Tinder date’s house, so there’s that.

Buy Pourri’s toxic doo doo scent-erasing spray here.

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