SUICIDE NOTES ARE NOT COOL

If there's one thing I couldn't care less about, it's soccer. That's why I still don't even know what this retard German soccer player who decided to jump in front of a train last week looks like (which is probably why I don't get half of the jokes circulating among the guys in the office right now). Still, despite all my indifference towards this stupid phenomenon where

11 guys rub their bodies all up on one other while chasing a ball

around a field, I am suddenly forced to care because the authorities from German media watch group

FSM

have contacted me, presumably because of Robert Enke. Seems the FSM is scanning the web for "dangerous" material that will "animate" people to do the wrong things, and the German version of Viceland is on their list. Up until a few minutes ago we USED to have a series articles up there that explained the myriad ways of leaving this life behind, just in case you're all sad and disturbed and your parents are mean and that guy in tenth grade doesn't like you back. These were called the "Vice Guides to Suicide I through V." The FSM says our words are "harmful to the development of young children." Duh, but anyway, how many four-year-olds are reading up on ending their lives? How many four-year-olds are reading

Vice

? Regardless, we had to take it down or else pay a fine that would drain our vaults. There are piles and piles of arguments I could make about this cease-and-desist letter, but all I know is that from now on I don't buy into these organizations anymore. FSM stands for "voluntary self-control of the media," which is just nice talk for making us kill our own words. O, Irony! how we thought we left you behind in

.