How To Identify an Online Stalker

In the social media era, we’re accustomed to running straight to Instagram every time we meet someone new to find out what they’re about. 

It’s nothing unusual to end up trawling through someone’s photos, checking out where they’re from on their Facebook, or even sneaking a look at the painful and dreaded LinkedIN if you can’t find them anywhere else.

It’s hard to say where the line blurs from checking each other out online, in the same way our grandparents would’ve at the community hall, to official online “stalking”. We use the word itself as a frequent throwaway when talking about “stalking my ex” or “Facebook stalking”. My mum is a regular offender, able to update me on the marital status of all my childhood mates at the drop of a hat. A lot of us do it and accept it probably gets done to us. 

But stalking – real stalking – is more than an innocuous scroll of social media every now and then. 

Being stalked “offline”, if we can call it that, can involve being followed, approached, threatened and isolated by someone. And online stalking (sometimes called cyber-stalking) is the same idea, but includes using technology and the internet to do so. It often shows up as unsolicited contact via text, social media, email and calls, and might be just one part of being stalked, or it may all take place online. According to the US Bureau of Justice about one in four stalking victims also reported they had been cyber-stalked, so we know it’s common for them to go hand in hand. 

While we don’t have too many specific stalking stats yet in Aotearoa, if we look to the US we know that while cyberstalking does happen to both men and women, women are twice as likely to be stalked as men. In both cases, the majority of people are stalked by someone they know – generally an ex or intimate partner. NZ based research on intimate partner stalking, done by the National Collective of Independent Women’s Refuges, is able to tell us that 74.6 percent of those surveyed are stalked by their intimate partner pre-separation, and 64.7 percent are stalked post-separation.

The most difficult thing about cyberstalking is that it's not always easy to spot. You may not even know it’s happening until the stalker takes to more extreme measures. As the intention of the stalker often comes down to getting your attention, the likelihood is – in cases of serious online stalking – that the stalker will eventually make themselves known.

Here’s what to look out for.

A full inbox 

Messages on social media, phone and email are likely to start building up if someone is harassing you online. They might seem harmless but they may also be threatening, sexually suggestive or contain violent language. It’s also possible that someone may be messaging you from multiple phones or accounts, which can be hard to block or keep track of. 

They know all your info

Often, a stalker is seeking to feel close to you or create a fantasy relationship with you from afar. This can mean they go to great lengths to find information about you, like tracking your social media accounts or geotagged locations in photos to find out more about you and your routines. They may also reach out to, or start following, your friends, family members and co-workers. 

And we’re not just talking about someone knowing what city you're from, or what year you graduated – a lot of us share this kind of info online. 

But someone you aren’t close with being aware that you’re at a certain coffee spot every Thursday morning, or that you have hockey practice on Sunday nights on a particular pitch, is worth being cautious of. 

Someone is spreading rumours about you

A typical stalking tactic is to isolate the victim or humiliate them in a bid for control. A cyber stalker might attempt to do this by using their own or anonymous accounts to spread rumours about you or share private information. They might also masquerade as you online with fake social media profiles to make it seem to others that you’re saying or doing things you actually aren’t. 

If you’re worried you might be getting stalked online, here are some steps you can take:

• Alert the people around you so they can look for the same signs.
• Do not engage with the stalker. It’s often their aim to get to talk and build a relationship with you, and engaging, even negatively, only encourages this mindset.
• Document everything. If you ever choose to report them, it’s important to have as much evidence as possible.
• Report fake accounts and harassment leveraged at you online to the social media sites/apps they’re on.
• Pay attention to and tighten your online security. Private account settings exist for a reason: make use of them and encourage those close to you to do the same. 
• Think about your offline security.  It can be vulnerable to let others know you’re being stalked, but informing those around you of your concerns/experiences is a great way to protect yourself irl. Let people know if you are concerned for your safety. 
• Report to Netsafe.org.nz, Aotearoa's biggest resource for online safety and harassment claims. 
• Report your situation to the Police. You can contact the NZ Police on the 105 non-emergency line or visit any police station in person. It’s important to note that this is not a last resort and something you’re able to do at any time

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.