Scary-Looking 'Zombie Knives' to Be Banned in England and Wales

Bad news for creeps, nerds, geeks, murderers and serrated blade enthusiasts up and down the country, as a ban on so-called 'zombie knives' is to be enforced later this week in England and Wales. Usually bought by knife enthusiasts who put them on wooden plaques and hang them on the wall until their wives tell them to take them down almost immediately after the last screw has been fastened in place, the weapons, which carry names like "head splitter", have been increasingly used in knife crimes. Recently, one was used in the murder of a teenager in north London.

"In weapons sweeps we've been finding these weapons on the street, hidden in places for use," Alf Hitchcock, lead on knife crime at the National Police Chiefs' Council, told the BBC. "When we've seen gang videos being uploaded on to the Internet they've been bragging about having these knives." Though most knife crime is still committed with boring old kitchen knives, the spike in zombie knives' presence among gangs seems to be what is pushing the ban.

I once asked my mum if I could buy a samurai sword, or katana, online when I was about 12. She said that if I saved up to buy it I could get it, but she wasn't going to get it for me. So I saved up and saved up, did little odd jobs here and there, helped my dad out with some stuff, cleaned cars, and eventually, through my hard graft and determination, I managed to scrape together the £40 it cost. If I remember correctly, it was one of the swords from ultraviolent Quentin Tarantino film double Kill Bill. So I said "mum, here's the £40, can you buy it for me now?" and you know what she said? She fucking said no. She wouldn't buy it even though she said she would. Liar. In an act of extreme petulance I told my friends to meet me at the fun fair on the nearby common, took my £40 and spunked it all on dodgems, hook-a-duck, house of mirrors, ghost trains and waltzers. It would be the single biggest waste of money in my life until I started doing drugs a few years later.

Kids: take it from me, don't bother with the knives and swords, they get boring after a bit. Go and spend it in an arcade instead. Shoot some pixelated zombies, punch that punching thing that tells you how punchy your punch is to relieve some aggression. You know it makes sense.

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