Like Dicks In The Night: Meth Head, Lonely Guy, and Fat Dick Brah

Illustrations by Ben Montero

While staying alone in New York, Melbourne writer Oscar Schwartz spent whole nights chatting to strangers on Omegle.com. He wanted to figure out why people spent hours speaking, screaming, and masturbating to strangers rather than engaging with others in real life. He saw a whole lot of dicks. This is the third part of his written account.

2:47am

I’m still on Omegle; I’m asking people very simple questions about why they use it, what they like about it, what they hope to get out of it. Most people answer with surprising sincerity. People have no issue telling me about their sexual frustrations, boredom, or loneliness.

A lot of groups of friends use Omegle together for entertainment. They’re either teenage boys or teenage girls; crammed around the screen, some girls pull faces at me and giggle. A group of guys are smoking, listening to music.

Some groups I’m connected with don’t pay me any attention. They use Omegle ambiently, and I’m just a face on a screen in the background. I’m connected with one group of guys who are playing cards and smoking. I sit and watch them for around 10 minutes. One of them finally notices my presence, I ask him why they are using Omegle while playing cards. “The fuck you looking at? Weirdo,” he says.

Meth Head

Someone appears on screen. I think it’s a teenage girl; she has dark hair to her shoulders and a round face. She’s wearing a microphone mouthpiece. I smile at her, she scrunches her face and opens her eyes very wide. It makes me think that it might not actually be a teenage girl but…

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hi

Stranger: YOU LOOK LIKE A METH HEAD

You: i'm not

Stranger: OH THATS GOOD

Stranger: METH IS A HELL OF A DRUG

You: are you a meth head?

Stranger: ALMOST

You: are you on meth right now?

Stranger: NOT QUITE

Stranger: ARE YOU HIGH

You: no just tired

Stranger: YOU LOOK LIKE YOURE ON SOME SORT OF HALLUCINOGEN

You:only alcohol

You: you come on this site often?

Stranger: OH YH BBY

Stranger: ALL THE TYM

You: is it good?

Stranger: FUCKING FANTABULOUS

Stranger: IF YOU LIKE DICK

Stranger:AND YOU LOOK LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL

Stranger:LIKE ME

You: are you a teenage girl?

Stranger: NO BUT PEOPLE THINK I AM

You: are you a teenage boy?

Stranger: PEOPLE HAVE TO ASK

Stranger: YES

Stranger: MAYBE

Stranger: WAIT I SHOULDNT SAY

Stranger: MYSTERIOUS…

You: so do you trick guys into doing things with you?

Stranger: NO IM STRAIGHT

Stranger: THEY ASK FOR TITS

Stranger: I SAY I DONT HAVE ANY

You: ok

Stranger: I USUALLY JUST ACT WEIRD AS FUCK

You: you're not on this thing for the tits?

Stranger: I HARDLY JERK OFF OVER SOME TITS

Stranger: THATS WHAT PORN IS FOR

You:why do you think guys spend their time on here then?

Stranger: WELL SOME PEOPLE PREFER LIVE STUFF

Stranger: TO GET A BETTER EXPERIENCE TO MAKE UP FOR THEIR NON EXISTANT SEX LIFE

Stranger: THEY FEEL LIKE ITS SIMILAR OR CLOSE TO HAVING SEX

You: closer than porn?

Stranger: YEAH BUT ITS STILL JERKING OFF RIGHT?

Stranger: YOU AND YO HAND STILL

You: why do you think girls come on this site?

Stranger: USUALLY WITH FRIENDS OR CAUSE THEYRE LONELY AND WANT SOME NEW FRIENDS

Stranger: DONT BE BORING! IVE LEARNT THAT BEING BORING JUST MAKES PEOPLE THINK FUCK THIS GUY SUCKS

Stranger: METH COULD HELP

You: if you were a girl on this site what would you think of the male population?

Stranger: THEYRE ALL HORNY DOUCHEBAGS

Stranger: WELL..

Stranger: EVERYONE KNOWS THAT EVERYONE FAPS

You: faps?

Stranger: MASTURBATES

Stranger: FAP=SOUND WHEN A GUY MASTURBATES

You: ok

Stranger: SO YOU SAY FAPPING AND STUFF

You: got it

Stranger has disconnected.

4:19am

I should’ve already gone to bed, I think it’s getting light outside. It’s going to be hard to get up tomorrow. My body feels tired but my brain is rushing. If I’m bored I just press “next’ and I get something new. It’s like a human slot machine, and it satisfies every possible voyeuristic impulse.

I’m not alone. There are 21,338 people using Omegle. They are like a flipbook of Internet users with no discernible narrative. I see a dick, and another dick. I see 15 year-old-girls sucking lollipops—one is wearing a t-shirt that says I LOVE HATERS. I see weed smokers, a family in New Zealand, Indian men with moustaches. Someone tells me, “It’s my birthday!” Someone else is holding up a handwritten sign that says “dick for tits?” A good-looking guy says, “hey bitch you look like you smoke pot… wanna hear a joke? women’s rights, faggot.”

Lonely Smart Guy

A guy who looks around 25, sitting in dark room. The light from his screen makes shadows on his face and highlights pockmarks. He is wearing a white t-shirt. He looks tired. He has a flaccid smile on his face and his eyes are glassy.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hi

Stranger: sup

You: you come on this site often?

Stranger: of late, sometimes

Stranger: you?

You: first time

Stranger: its pretty weird.

Stranger: mostly weird, but you find interesting conversation

Stranger: or whatever else youre looking for, i guess, whatever unfortunate or weird thing that is

Stranger: lol

You: what type of weird stuff do you mean?

Stranger: people masturbating with each other, diaper stuff, meet ups and things

Stranger: for like cosplay

Stranger: its strange haha

You: whats diaper stuff?

Stranger: you know, that was just an example, but its people finding diaper wearing erotic

You: ok

Stranger: Now i sound like Im into that

Stranger: maybe i am ha

Stranger: im pretty stoned right now

You: ok. you meet anyone interesting here?

Stranger: Well, in general, with individuals, things are mostly cursory, at least in the beginning.

Stranger: then you kind of go down the route of learning about them or being horny and getting into the flesh of the matter so to speak

Stranger: It has that contingent value of actual communication. you kind of just know what the person wants

Stranger: or what you want

You: which is what?

Stranger: sex

Stranger: i dunno. never really thought about it extensively. there is just an underpinning of control guiding encounters at all times

Stranger: the stop button is interesting like that

You: so you think it's used primarily as a hook up thing and just “by the way” as a friendship thing?

Stranger: you can like, really like a person, maybe develop a crush if you get there, or obsesses over this person's body, all just momentarily and extended to the moment you move on or connection is lost or you further communication through more stable contacts

Stranger: a lot of the girls on here are pretty young anyway and I find that a little disturbing

Stranger: so I'm kind of weary of you know mistakingly going there

Stranger: haha

Stranger: and the fucking horribleness of that

Stranger has disconnected.

Fat Dick Brah

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hi

Stranger: hi

You: question: why do you use this site when you could just use porn?

Stranger: rofl to show the internet my fat dick breh

You: ok

Stranger has disconnected.

For Fat Dick's NSFW portrait click here.

Follow Oscar on Twitter: @oscarschwartz

Previously:

Like Dicks In The Night: Jennifer Lopez

Like Dicks In The Night: Shy Girl And Arrogant Guy