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Tech

Dear LulzSec, I Hope You Never Stop Hacking

Not to be like, "oh I’m so cool and mysterious," but there are some things you might not know about me. I mean, to be honest with you I only have like three friends in real life, one of them being my grandmother and the other my basset hound, so unless...

Not to be like, “oh I'm so cool and mysterious,” but there are some things you might not know about me. I mean, to be honest with you I only have like three friends in real life, one of them being my grandmother and the other my basset hound, so unless you are my third friend, you probably don't know that I have poor eyesight and hate the word moist. You also might not know that the only thing I love more than McDonalds and television are pranks.

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I just think that goofball dad pranks are the funniest of all jokes. When I was a kid, my old man would constantly give me wet willies and taught me how to short sheet my aunt's bed by age five, and it was all in good fun. Just like Lulz Security. I couldn't hack my way out of a wet paper bag, but I can always appreciate solid pranks regardless of the medium they use.

In case you don't know about "LulzSec," they're this hacker group who doesn't really give a poop about money, they just like hassling fat cats and Uncle Sam, which is something I can definitely get behind. We actually have some similar pranks. Last month, they hacked into PBS and posted an article about how Tupac was alive and well in New Zealand. I once made a fake obituary for Home Improvement star Tim Allen, and it spread like wildfire on MySpace.

I also really love their logo, which is a Mr. Peanut-esque character toasting the world with a glass of wine, and we all know anyone rocking the monocle/mustache combo is always a good time. The other thing I love about Lulz Security is the amount of tricks they've pulled in the past six weeks. They hacked Sony, PBS, this lame company called Black and Berg Cybersecurity Consulting, and numerous other corporations.

When I was a kid, my dad once jumped out of a pantry closet while I was eating a taco shell in my high chair and I totally choked on it. I didn't eat Mexican food until I was in my twenties because of the emotional scar that prank left behind, so I can tell you first hand that sometimes pranks can take a dark turn. My only hope for Lulz Security is that nobody ever chokes on a cyber taco, or whatever the equivalent of that would be. I mean, I'm all for beating the suits legs out, but I don't like the idea of giving out email addresses of people who sign up for pornography websites like pron.com. Let's be real: who is going to complain about a little girl on girl action from time to time, or every night before bed.

So the bottom line is this: Lulz Security rules. Sure, they could hack into my Gmail and tell the world all my super interesting secrets, but I just revealed them all above, because I believe in transparency, and freedom, and Julian Assange's eternal innocence. The only thing in my Gmail are loads of draft love emails, all addressed to my good friends at LulzSec, especially Sabu and Kayla, who I know would never do anything like hack me, and if they did, they would only go for my Facebook account, and not my MySpace, because really there's nothing interesting there at all.