As another year passes, we remember the hard work and valor of Saint Valentine and his persecution under the Roman Empire by giving our significant others flowers or chocolate and expecting anal sex or a properly cooked meal in return. Unfortunately, some of your partners may be expecting a little more imagination on your end this year and for you "non-creative" (read: employed) types, this may be difficult. Fortunately, Noisey wants to assist you by helping you channel what your favorite rappers would give your girl this Valentines day if they had the chance. So stop worrying, because we've done all the legwork for you! It's essentially like a "choose your own adventure" but with rap and romance and broken dreams!
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J. COLECook your girl a homemade meal with whatever ingredients are currently in your pantry. When she tries, and is disgusted by it, apologize profusely with tears in your eyes, promising to do better when you make it out of your current struggle. Alternatively, you could "ironically" make her some macaroni jewelry and put it in a real jewelry box, apologizing profusely with tears in your eyes when she opens it. Don't forget to tell her how wonderful she is and something about gift wrapping the globe before taking public transportation to see your side-chick in the city.
DRAKESpend $20 on a gift that you bought at the local subway terminal, but accompany it with a heartfelt poem where you put a spin on everyday sayings. Something like, "I live for the nights that I won't remember, with the people that I won't forget. That's YOU!" or "Lemme Own Venomous Enchantment, that's my motto for your L.O.V.E". Then promptly threaten to sue anyone that mentions your original acronyms!
GAMESee what all of your friends are doing for their significant others, then preform a more watered down version of that act. In March.
A$AP ROCKYGet her a card in which you talk about how lucky you are to have found someone as pretty as you. Partner this touching card with some sort of needless and inefficient token of your love that you’ve preemptively dipped in gold. Insist that she wear this token around her neck at all times or else she doesn’t really love you. Ideas for gold-dipped trinkets include flower petals, monopoly pieces, and/or a lock of your hair.
LIL WAYNEReward your significant other with a blank prescription pad or a pack of those IOU sex cards. If choosing the latter option, make sure that you remove all IOUs that mention you preforming any erotic acts on her. When she complains about the fact that you’ve done this, tell her that she should be honored you’re even allowing her to touch you because you’re famous (bring up something cool you’ve done years ago to drive that point home). Alternatively, you could shower her with Trukfit while being a gentleman and not requesting fellatio for each piece of clothing.Slava P lives in Canada and often speaks Canadian on Twitter - @SlavaP
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J. COLECook your girl a homemade meal with whatever ingredients are currently in your pantry. When she tries, and is disgusted by it, apologize profusely with tears in your eyes, promising to do better when you make it out of your current struggle. Alternatively, you could "ironically" make her some macaroni jewelry and put it in a real jewelry box, apologizing profusely with tears in your eyes when she opens it. Don't forget to tell her how wonderful she is and something about gift wrapping the globe before taking public transportation to see your side-chick in the city.
GAMESee what all of your friends are doing for their significant others, then preform a more watered down version of that act. In March.
A$AP ROCKYGet her a card in which you talk about how lucky you are to have found someone as pretty as you. Partner this touching card with some sort of needless and inefficient token of your love that you’ve preemptively dipped in gold. Insist that she wear this token around her neck at all times or else she doesn’t really love you. Ideas for gold-dipped trinkets include flower petals, monopoly pieces, and/or a lock of your hair.
LIL WAYNEReward your significant other with a blank prescription pad or a pack of those IOU sex cards. If choosing the latter option, make sure that you remove all IOUs that mention you preforming any erotic acts on her. When she complains about the fact that you’ve done this, tell her that she should be honored you’re even allowing her to touch you because you’re famous (bring up something cool you’ve done years ago to drive that point home). Alternatively, you could shower her with Trukfit while being a gentleman and not requesting fellatio for each piece of clothing.Slava P lives in Canada and often speaks Canadian on Twitter - @SlavaP