The UKIP Ringtone Is the Ringtone Britain Needs Right Now

There was a time when ringtones were little extensions of your personality. A little audible signifier to let people know what kind of person you were. Some people were "Sweet Like Chocolate". Some people were Little Britain's Vicki Pollard saying "Yer, but, no, but, shut up I wasn't even doin' nuffin!" A lot of people were Crazy Frog, farting down the highway on his invisible motorbike. Thousands of builders were a woman having a loud orgasm. Nowadays, what with Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and all, there's no need to broadcast these tinny little titbits of your being to the world. Everything else is being broadcast already. You can't fart without it being broadcast on Periscope. Oops! Someone just snapchatted your son's bris. Awks! And so the customised ringtone died, the iPhone moved in with its .WAV sounds of old timey telephones ringing, and its Marimba default, and now we all have to listen to that.

But one woman wasn't happy living like that. One woman was tired of seeing the digital homogenisation spread like a binary disease through our lives. Her name is Mandy Boylett and she's bringing the ringtone back with this, the Vote UKIP ringtone:

Hear that? That's the sound of this country's return to form. That's the sound of the UK going back to its roots, and it turns out those roots sound like the coin-operated kiddies' rides at the end of Southend pier. It's a simple, unflashy message; we don't need to blurt out everything that comes into our heads, just maintain our core values and leave the complicated philosophy to the Europeans.

While I'm sure Mandy's intentions are pure, it's not difficult to see that this ringtone could cause a few problems. For example, if anyone heard it on a crowded bus, and the bus was crowded with people who aren't racists, you may find yourself being stuffed head-first through those tiny top windows. If you were meeting your girlfriend's particularly liberal parents for the first time, and they heard Mandy Boylett's voice emerging from the pocket of your Levi's, they may deign to re-padlock her chastity belt.

But this is presumably of no concern to Mandy Boylett, whose sole desire is to instil a culture in which every time our phones ring – be it our mums, dads, wives, husbands, mates – we are reminded that Nigel Farage is our leader and that Britain is still a rock worth clinging to.

@joe_bish