An Incomplete Timeline of What We Tried
Working back from human extinction.
Dec 15 2017, 6:00pm
The coordinated release of various strains of a human sterilization virus.
The no-child laws.
The launching of the Colony into space, no final destination in mind, for those able to afford the journey.
Retraction of health care services for the ill and/or “undesirables.”
Resurgence of prayer.
The demolition of nursing homes and/or retirement homes in the redlined countries that have reached or surpassed their maximum population density.
Suicide incentives for those of a certain age.
Daily calorie restrictions.
Mass space travel attempted.
Voluntary sterilization. Included in the procedure is a colorful shoulder tattoo so that everybody will know who has done their part versus who here continues to be the problem.
Geoengineering. Sulfates into the stratosphere, a trillion thin mirrors in space reflecting sunlight, cloud-seeding, forests of artificial CO2 sucking trees. Dropping tons of iron into the ocean.
The closing of borders to all climate refugees.
Believe in, hope for aliens who may bring us technology necessary to save our planet.
Retreating to walled compounds in remote locations priced for those in the upper income bracket. The High Wall communities are built so tall that there’s no way to see what’s happening on the other side of the wall. One can only hear what is happening, which is preferable.
Government-mandated reduction of corporate energy consumption.
Increased military fortification of national, provincial, and state borders.
We are wasting our time.
Multidirectional SOS signals projected into space, in case anyone or anything is listening.
Live news feed of the final polar bear, which finally dies behind a blue curtain in Lancaster Sound.
Pasture-raised meat outlawed in restaurants/grocery stores in 44 states.
The devolution of several ‘ultra-sustainable living experiments’ into dystopias.
The founding of several utopias.
De-extinction of the passenger pigeon.
Mandatory relocation of coastal cities.
The palpable collective thought that it is too late, that the world might be better off without us, that it might stand a chance of surviving if we all go away.
Removal of climate change deniers from positions of power and the election of scientists as politicians.
Lab-raised meat released to the mass market.
Art, such as the creation of a sculpture forest that shrinks every day until it’s gone. It does not grow back.
The renaming of Glacier National Park.
Insisting this all is God’s, or somebody’s, plan.
The famous fossil fuel CEO is kidnapped, his back branded with the slogan “citizen of the world.”
Mandatory reduction of individual energy consumption.
Mandatory solar panels on new residential builds.
The extinct stuffed animal and plant collection: 10% of profits donated to frozen zoos. A great stocking stuffer this holiday season.
Performance art. The artist drowns in a reconstructed oil spill while we watch.
Additional doomsday cults.
Redefine the word wilderness.
Bomb auto plants.
The eco-revolutionaries target the oil pipeline infrastructure.
Five climate scientists set themselves on fire.
“We had nothing to do with it. It is a natural occurring shift of temperature.”
Ignore the scientists.
This was all meant to happen.
Coca-Cola removes polar bears from its holiday soda cans, which, thanks to the dwindling numbers of their subject, have become depressing to consumers.
Climate change tourism. Guided trips to view the last domestic glaciers.
One child laws.
Art is produced, such as a data-driven installation that visualizes mass human migratory trends while a clicking noise plays repetitively in the background.
A decentralized, international call for violent protest.
Forest access roads are blocked in order to slow the logging of old growth trees on the island of Tasmania.
Vandalism of corporate headquarters, such as Tarkett’s North American Headquarters. Butyric acid released in the lobby. PLANET KILLER spray painted in gold paint multiple times on the building exterior.
Additional bumper stickers: Global warming? It’s called summer; Climate change? It’s called weather.
Pretend future generations do not exist, only the current generation exists.
Which is more important to you: a human being or a caribou herd?
Cautionary short stories are written about what might happen if none of these ideas work.
Another campaign to save the polar bears.
Question: is true wilderness still possible or should it still be possible?
Stress the positive, such as longer growing seasons for some parts of the country, or more pleasant weather in certain places. Golfing becomes year around in locations where it wasn’t year around before.
Continue living your life!
Consume cricket protein powder.
Do not consume Canadian farmed salmon, bluefin tuna, imported shrimp, shark, wild halibut, or Atlantic rock crabs from any state in the United States except Massachusetts.
Solar panel brochures left in numerous residential mailboxes (“Save the Polar, Go Solar!”).
Boycott Alaska, whose representatives pushed through legislation that allows for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
Watch eco-horror movies on family movie night to explain to your children that this is what their future will look like unless they do something radical about it.
Attempt, and fail, to protect something by writing a letter to the editor of your local paper about the importance of not drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
Shrink the Bears Ears National Monument by 1,148,124 acres so the freed acreage can be opened for development.
There is only one correct answer.
Allow the Keystone XL tar sands pipeline to be constructed into Montana, South Dakota, and Nebraska. It is important to move oil.
It is important to find more oil basins.
Elect politicians who deny climate change into public positions of power.
Watch a video that shows a stunning threatened place of natural beauty. Cry. Post a link to the video on Twitter.
“Honk if you love this planet!”
Coloring books contain very detailed drawings of honeybees and colony collapse disorder. The drawings take a long time to color in.
The eat local movement.
Do not allow fracking in 3 states.
Allow fracking in 21 states.
Angry non-violent protesting.
Eco-fiction is a genre.
The “One Planet, One Child” music video.
Believe you are making a difference.
Host a political letter writing party. Possible themes: protect the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge; acknowledge global warming is real; commit to clean energy; protect established national monuments, such as those two monuments in Utah; keep the Keystone XL tar sands pipeline out of Montana, and South Dakota, and Nebraska.
Make one’s own yogurt in reusable glass jars.
Encourage the buying of Coca-Cola soda with polar bears on the cans to raise awareness..
Corporations partner with environmental non-profits. Coca-Cola launches “Arctic White for Polar Bears.”
Host a greening-your-community house party.
Send an email template to your representatives supporting a carbon fee and dividend.
Ride a bicycle.
The refusal to buy items from certain corporations. Do not buy boxed cereal from Kellogg’s, who uses GMO sugar beets in its products.
Carpool in the carpool lines.
Bumper stickers: There is no planet B; There are no jobs on a dead planet; Wake up.
Turn off the lights when you are no longer in the room.