This Yoda-Themed Stock Market Twitter Account Is the Worst

Today I was followed by a Twitter account called @YodaTrading; 13,700 followers. I sat up a bit straighter in my seat—might this be a hilarious parody Twitter account I wasn't previously aware of? Think of all the time I could waste scrolling through financial news filtered through the voice of Yoda! Invest in Anakin Skywalker futures, you must. A sinking ship, TWTR is. You know, things of that nature. Make a bad Twitter Yoda, I would.

But then my heart sank. The bio: "Equities Trader and news collector." The truth sunk in—YodaTrading blows so very hard.

Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper. — Scottish proverb
— Yoda (@YodaTrading) August 1, 2016

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
— Yoda (@YodaTrading) August 2, 2016

It tweets a mix of Jersey Shore boardwalk t-shirt slogans, random stock quotes that are surely automated scripts, quotes about women, amirite from luminary thinkers of our time. It retweets horrifically boring news from financial content farms and Twitter newsletters. YodaTrading is so utterly basic and has nothing whatsoever to do with Yoda and yet—the name, the decent handle, located in "Galactic Republic." Potential, you had.

Can I have a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.
— Yoda (@YodaTrading) July 31, 2016

Surely, I thought, this must have been a failed attempt at a Twitter parody account that went wrong and eventually had to pivot. So I went deep into the archives to find YodaTrading's earliest tweets from back in 2012.

EU Proposes Bank Union to Ease Burden -- http://t.co/k0Mut4JY
— Yoda (@YodaTrading) May 30, 2012

I feel like Han Solo when Kylo Ren stabbed him through the heart. Why are you the way you are, YodaTrading?

YodaTrading did not respond to a DM I sent him. I did find @JediEconomist, which featured comments on current events that have been lazily filtered through Yoda-speak, just as I desired.