The Top Five Places That Aren’t America

We've all heard it at least once this election cycle: "if [Trump/Clinton] wins, I'm moving to [place that is not America and better for that reason]." These types of people have been hung out to dry on a few different occasions by the media, so in the spirit of fostering bipartisan politics, I've taken the opportunity to indulge the fantasy rather than criticize it.

If you're really looking to get out of the states after the election, here is the definitive list of the top places that aren't America:

1. RUSSIA

Ah, Mother Russia. This is about as not-America as it gets—you might even call it anti-America. Here you can stroll among the snow-crested onion domes of the Kremlin, munch on a Vatrushka, and hitch a ride on a rocket bound for the space station (can't do that in America, now, can you?).

If you're sick of the lamestream American political establishment, then Russia's authoritarian, no-nonsense regime is going to feel like a fresh of breath air.

Freedom of expression? Forget about it. Civil rights? Lol. But who needs those things when you've got a president who rides a horse shirtless across the plains of Siberia? Moreover, Russia has the most nuclear weapons in the world and seems about as cavalier as Trump when it comes to the idea of using them, so you'll get all the comforts of living in America, without actually having to live in America.

2. CHINA

If you've ever been to China, one of the first things you'll notice is how you are very clearly not in America anymore. China has an amazing culinary repertoire that has been cultivated over thousands of years (a big step up if you're coming from a country where the closest thing to a national dish is a jar of mayonnaise), and its space program is kicking ass, even though the US refuses to work with them.

Wouldn't it be nice to not have to listen to your friends spew their political opinions on Facebook? Well in China there is no Facebook (or global internet access) and even if there were, personal opinions on politics are a no-go. Problem solved!

If you're still on the fence about immigrating to China, just ask yourself: why else would it have three times the population of the US if it weren't a way better place to live?

3. MARS

That's right, I'm talking about the red planet that is always at least 33.9 million miles away from America. Although there are places in the United States that look like Mars, the fact of the matter is these places have breathable air, support life and are American, which is a highly undesirable thing to be. But don't take my word for it—Elon Musk, who is generally considered to be not dumb, also wants to leave America for Mars ASAP.

In fact, Musk wants to move as many Americans to Mars as possible because he totally gets why they wouldn't want to be in this country anymore. He also knows that they want to get out of this country so badly that they will pay up to $200,000 to go live on a barren red rock because that is still better than here.

Unfortunately, Musk probably won't get you out of here in time for this election, but he hopes that you'll never have to see the 2032 election because you'll be romping around in Martian dust. Nice!

4. CAMEROON

Having to deal with the US election circus every four years is exhausting—believe me, I get it. So why not go check out Cameroon, the jewel of central Africa? Not only does Cameroon have a killer football team, a stunning coastline and robust natural resource industries, but it also boasts the longest ruling head of state in the world. Just think about it: you'd never have to worry about voting and annoying party politics again!

Paul Biya became prime minister of Cameroon only three years after it became a unitary state in 1972 and succeeded Ahmadou Ahidjo as president in 1982. Sure, Cameroon has had elections since Biya had power, but in the first two he ran unopposed and received 99.9 percent of the vote. Then he overturned two-term limits in Cameroon's constitution and allowed a multiparty system that continues to host regular elections that he always mysteriously wins by huge margins. If it sounds like the system is "rigged" or "corrupt" then you'd be right—but Biya never said it wasn't.

If you can get past the human rights abuses, poor healthcare, and lack of press and political freedoms, then Cameroon might be right for you. Sure beats having to put up with standing in long lines to vote and watching candidates call each other names on TV for nine months.

5. RICHARD BRANSON'S PLEASURE ISLAND

Say what you want about the Brits, but at least they know how to squander their wealth. Take Sir Richard Branson, for example. Rather than wasting his billions of dollars running a political campaign, the CEO of the Virgin Group bought a Caribbean island.

The 72-acre Necker Island was purchased by Branson for $180,000 in 1976, and he spent $10 million to turn it into a luxury resort capable of hosting 30 people at a time. Here you can while away your days kitesurfing with Branson or hanging out with the celebrities that frequent the island, presumably because Hollywood stars know what's what when it comes to not being in the United States.

Staying at the Branson villa costs a little over $2000 per night, a low price to pay to not be in America. Although the island is entirely privately owned, all beach area up to the high water mark is technically British land and is thus open to the public. So even if you can't afford Branson's price tag, you can always live in the rollicking surf of Necker Island, which is far superior to any rollicking surf in the United States.

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