'The Angry Birds Movie': First Trailer, and It Makes No Sense

Get your slingshot ready: The Angry Birds Movie is coming to theaters next July.

Based on the ultra-popular mobile game, the full-length animated feature seeks to answer the question, "what made the angry birds so angry?"

Starring the voice talent of Jason Sudeikis and Josh Gad, the movie—

No. No. I can't play it straight. Fuck it. I hate this. The animation is predictable. They hired celebrities to voice the characters, instead of actual voice actors (which have been getting namechecked out of jobs for years now). The script seems to be the usual "for kids, but edgy" thing we get now, but it'll probably get the requisite number of laughs. You and your small child will most likely have a blast.

What really bothers me is the concept behind this movie, the engine driving it. Listen. Rovio, the game's creator, has already merchandised the shit out of this thing. They published an Angry Birds cookbook. And yet they're laying off employees and facing declining profits. What are they doing? What are we doing?

This movie doesn't even have a "plot" section on its Wikipedia page, which is just as well because it's not really discernible. It does include a tidbit about having "voice cameos, including YouTube sensation Smosh." I did not click that link, but you can, I guess.

I hate that the entertainment industry has figured out how to milk the same weak, two-dimensional teat until the cow collapses of dehydration. The ideas keep getting smaller, and the budgets keep getting bigger. This one cost $80 million, which is more than half the budget of Mad Max: Fury Road.

Whatever. Looking forward to the day they base a movie off of a scratch-n-sniff sticker.