Our Suggestions for Nintendo’s 'Smash Bros.' Survey

Nintendo Direct is the company's sort of presidential address to the Mushroom Kingdom. Broadcasting for about an hour nearly every month, Nintendo goes live to assure us there are games coming out on Wii U.

Of course Nintendo would decide to hold one on April Fools, a day we've all learned to distrust and groan at every even slightly implausible development in the tech world. Shockingly, one of the most brazenly weird announcements from the broadcast is real: Nintendo's decision to open the gates of hell, by which I mean take suggestions for new Smash Bros. characters.

In other words, you can now annoy the Super Smash Bros. developers directly about adding Geno, Ridley and Goku to the all-star cast of Nintendo people.

While the game came out for the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U last year, it was quickly revealed that downloadable characters would be added to the mix. So far the only confirmed are returning fighters like Pokémon's save-your-masterball-for Mewtwo and Mother's nearly identical but more depressing hero Lucas.

Whether or not the tallied suggestions will actually be taken into consideration or printed directly into a furnace that keeps the Kyoto headquarters heated is hard to say, but the opportunity is there, so why not capitalize on it? Sure, you could use your voice for a good idea, like King K. Rool, Simon Belmont, Professor Layton or Chun-Li, or you could lend your voice to one of our ideas. Alone, our nominees are weak and forgotten, but with united, one powerful push, we can get these ballots to Nintendo's attention and make them audibly sigh.

The Super Nintendo Mouse from Mario Paint

With the inclusion of the retro Robot Operating Buddy, Nintendo has made it clear it is not above making plastic accessories into sentient combatants. The company ought to take it to the next level with another one of its famous, nearly useless peripherals by entering the Super Nintendo Mouse into the ring. Released along with Mario Paint but apparently compatible with other games, you can use the Mouse's most famous powers: clicking, double clicking, right clicking, dragging, fly swatting, recreating the Dr. Who theme with Yoshi noises. For a Final Smash, the Mouse could unleash it's most popular ability, being left under a pile of papers in a drawer and forgotten forever.

A Uniracer from Uniracer Never has a Nintendo release felt so desperate for your approval. The soundtrack was made up entirely of wailing guitars. You could customize all the racer names to be words you can only say while giving the devil horns, like Razor and Crash, like my cousin had. It kind of looked 3D. Easily the most exhilarating Unicycle racing game Nintendo's ever published, and it's about time those impractical bikes reserved for dweebs got to show their mettle by screeching their wheels against Toon Link's clean unscathed face.

Rusty Slugger from Rusty's Real Deal Baseball

A recent addition to the Nintendo family, this depressed, Jon Lovitz looking, divorcee, probably metaphor for a changing industry, cartoon baseball dog could be a real left fielder for the Smash Bros. saga. Known best for his ability to haggle and cry, Rusty can show you some sweet baseball moves, like throwing fastballs, swinging the bat, and succumbing to tears about his home situation.

That hill you gave a concussion to from Super Mario World

For all the pedestrians I've struck in Grand Theft Auto car chases, for all the unsuspecting office workers I've crushed in Rampage, no act in a video game has hung so much guilt over my head as that fucking hill on the North East end of Butter Bridge. After defeating Ludwig von Koopa, the eldest Koopaling and fellow Smash Bros. combatant, Mario rigs Ludwig's castle with dynamite to demolish the base just as he had done for all of Ludwig's siblings. But something goes wrong, and the fortress instead rockets into the air, eventually landing on a nearby hill, and forcing it to dress its wounds with a bandage. What a shitty thing to do, Mario. That hill didn't hurt you, it's a hill, it was just there, and through your recklessness, with EXPLOSIVES might I add, you likely gave a collateral concussion to an innocent mound. Well, it's time for that mound to get revenge. Give Ludwig a thousand lumps. Seek retribution against Yoshi, Mario's then accomplice. Then comes Mario. Pummel him, show him how it feels to have a hundred tons of brick, lava and Thwomps come hurling from the sky on top of you. Also, side question: why are the mountains in Super Mario World alive?

The cost of war from Advance Wars

Advance Wars was one of Nintendo's biggest franchises for years, six games between 2001 and 2008, yet has had no representation in the Smash Bros. arena. That is partially because, despite a large cast of colourful characters, the game has never touted a starring role. Well, in lieu of a champion, how about Advance Wars most intimidating force? The indescribable dread and sadness that comes with any global conflict! Lands ravaged and scarred forever, nations and communities changed for the rest of their history. Mourning families, empty seats at the dinner table. A toxic misled patriotism that defines cultures, and the fuelled industrial military complex that demands more blood be shed. Oh, what's the matter Ganondorf? Don't want to fight anymore? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yamcha

Yeahhh, that's right. Yamcha. Fuck Goku. Team Yamcha. Yamchaaaaaa.

So, that's our shortlist. I'm sure you're spamming their web page right now with your personal fantasy roster, Captain Syrup, Funky Kong, those football player Koopa Troopas, but please take into consideration our suggestions. Whatever characters, concepts and ideas end up in the beloved series, we hope it's one of ours.