Two weeks ago James Holmes, an allegedly fully-grown adult, attempted to emulate his favorite comic book villain by mercilessly shooting 70 people in a movie theater near Denver, killing 12. It was a sad, horrifying, and shameful reminder that no one can be trusted. It made my girlfriend refuse to go see the Dark Knight with me, even though I’d had tickets for like two months. More importantly, it also scared people into questioning why this pathetic little man, rife with violent ideas and stupid hair, was able to buy the ingredients needed to carry out his horrific act.
Granted, a large part of the reason why he was able to ruin so many lives is because the gun laws in Colorado are almost Road Warrior-like in their anarchic view of boundaries. However, the fact is that most of the actual bullets used to hurt the innocent people were reportedly bought completely legally online at BulkAmmo.com. With that in mind, it’s easy to ask ’Hey, what the fuck Internet police? Why can someone like this guy buy an arsenal so easily online?’ and you rightfully should. But while American gun laws are insane, particularly considering how wildly destructive the little death toys are, there are still a lot of gnarly weapons easily found online that are all capable of inflicting varying degrees of damage on people.
Police use Taser brand stunguns that tend to be around 50k Volts of power. On smartstun.com, you can get the cutest little fake blackberry taser, packed with 4.5mil Volts, for about $60. Now granted, these things aren’t meant to kill people. However, if the adage ‘Guns don’t kill people. People do’ stands true, which it clearly does, then it’s probably also safe to say ‘Pink 4.5mil volt cellphone stunguns don’t kill people. People do’. If someone was really out for vengeance, or just thought that comic books were real, they could repeatedly throw 4.5volts of power into someone they hate and do some serious damage. Or, better yet, that person could just punch said person repeatedly in the face with the blast knuckles shown above.
If you were going to murder a bunch of people are incapable of getting your hands on a real gun (which seems unlikely), you can always just get an Air Gun. ‘But Ben, why would I want an airgun? Aren’t they just replicas of murder machines? Don’t they only have silly little bullets that can only kill small animals and babies, not real people? Luckily, the answer is yes to all of those things, and fortunately you can find your eight year old his very own replica M4 at pyramydair.com. Or you can upgrade and get a ‘Sam Yang Big Bore’, which is an air rifle that apparently shoots through concrete.
For most of civilization humanity’s existence, bows and arrows were the murder device of choice. But with guns and bombs and anthrax and asbestos, criminals have forgotten about the foundation violence, so crossbows specifically have digressed to a second rate weapon for hunting Turkeys. Or at least that’s what I assumed until I saw the Barnett Ghost 400 with illuminated scope and 22” ‘headhunter’ arrows, which can be bought for a little under a grand at thecrossbowstore.com.
Tannerite is an ammonium nitrate, aluminum powder that is used primarily as a target for firearms practice. People with even a little interest in action films, guns, death, destruction, terrorism, or any other thing that would inspire explosions, seem love this stuff. Now ammonium nitrate aluminum powder is illegal, but separate from each other they’re perfectly inexplosive. So if you’re to order Tannerite, they’ll come separate and it will be your responsibility to prime the powder. Also, the only way to detonate Tannerite is with a high velocity firearm cartridges like these, so you can’t actually use a layman’s handgun to blow it. Once you shoot it though, this kind of thing happens:
It’s already basic information that some gnarly poisons can be found under your sink. If you’re looking for the real hardcore stuff though, like the kind of thing that you’ll only find in the confines of labs that require fingertips and eye scans for entry, you can probably find it at www.sigmaaldrich.com. During just a quick browse, I managed to find everything on this list of the most dangerous chemicals, with the exception of VX, which I can only assume is because a two letter acronym is hardly enough information to find the poison I was hoping for. If you’re only looking for beginner’s level chemical nuisance and you don’t want to go through the rigmarole of ‘registering’ for a site, then you can probably just search eBay, where I found a whole bunch of chloroform for less than the price of a cheap dinner in LA.
This falls in a similar category to chemicals in the sense that it’s not difficult to find ways to blow things up, particularly since Tannerite is already readily available. Unlike chemicals though, there aren’t quite as many educational purposes for explosives, so your best bet on obliterating objects and making lots of noise while doing it is through some do-it-yourself instructional books and manuals on pyroinfo.com. The website makes it seem like it’s simply a sanctuary for fellow pyromaniacs who presumably just want to know the science behind what they see on Call of Duty. As James Holmes recently publicized though, no matter how noble the intent of the website, the kids who drown cats for fun will still find a way to take these guides October Sky admirers, and use it to light their high school gymnasium on fire. I don’t know a lot of people who want to learn ‘how to synthesize and purify potassium nitrate at home’, just for kicks.
I’m going to just breeze over this one since its probably common knowledge that you can buy a lot of swords online. My favorite source is trueswords.com, where you can also buy things like maces, throwing stars, cane swords, and really anything else that’s even a little bit sharp and medieval. When I first found out about True Swords, I just assumed it was a joke because the swords were so weirdly low priced. As a facetious congratulatory gift, I bought a friend of mine a medieval sword. Now he has a three-foot saber just hanging around his desk on this weird oak hanger, which also came with it. It’s sharp as shit and could definitely hurt someone.
This one is a bit of a curveball, but as Holmes reminds us once more, people are weird, lonely, and virgin enough to buy their own personal army tank to cry in. If you fall in this category, then you can probably find a new home for your tears at armyjeeps.net. Then, when your neighbors start making snide remarks about shell shock and Vietnam, you can sit in your ironclad chamber knowing that not even their hateful remarks can even penetrate your new death-car.
Of course, if none of this appeals to your reckless desire to wreak havoc on society — or, you know, you need a bazooka for self-defense — then you can just consult the Armory, Silk Road’s answer to the weapons market. Or, you could also just move to Colorado, where you can waive your giant proverbial lonely flag by purchasing high-powered home defense devices at the local Bass Pro Shop.