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Fairy Tales That Even Richard Dawkins Would Approve Of

The author of 'The God Delusion' was perhaps misquoted, but either way, fairy tales could stand to be more statistically probable, right?
Image: Wikimedia Commons

Notorious gadfly to the religious, fly guy to the atheists, and pro-honey-for-fliers activist Richard Dawkins just took a nice steaming piss all over our childhoods. According to the Telegraph, Dawkins told an audience at the Cheltenham Science Festival that it was ‘pernicious’ to read fairy tales to children, because it might “inculcate into a child a view of the world which includes supernaturalism," rather than the healthy skepticism that they'll need.

“Even fairytales, the ones we all love, with wizards or princesses turning into frogs or whatever it was,” Dawkins said. “There’s a very interesting reason why a prince could not turn into a frog—it's statistically too improbable.”

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But then, in the face of anarchy in the land of King Arthur and Harry Potter, Dawkins backtracked, saying that he was only asking a question, and that all the journalists who jumped on it are sheep and stuff. "I did not, and will not, condemn fairytales," he told The Guardian. "My whole life has been given over to stimulating the imagination, and in childhood years, fairy stories can do that."

Leaving aside the fact that "just asking a question," is a pretty weak defense, and a long diatribe about Kafka, Gabriel Garcia Marquez et. al, Dawkins did indeed stimulate my imagination by pointing out the “interesting reason” that princes don't turn into frogs is due to statistical probability. Whether or not he believes that fairytales are dangerous, he hasn't denied saying that we need to raise our children to be more skeptical.

I'm all for this, so I'm just going to quickly outline a few revisions to some classics, just to put a flag out there, and offer my services to Disney.

Goldilocks And No Bears Because Bears Are Endangered

A little girl wanders into the woods that separate her housing division from an adjacent superhighway, and finds three discarded shoes—no lefts, just rights. She gets bitten by a tick and contracts lyme disease and doesn't go back to the woods for months.

The Princess And the Toad That Killed Her

Once upon a stupidly superstitious time, a princess came across a toad in the garden. For reasons unknown to anyone else, she kisses the toad, and contracts salmonella. As the people are too superstitious to have proper medicine, the princess dies tragically at the age of 13, right before her wedding to the prince of an adjacent kingdom. The kingdoms go to war, probably because they foolishly believed that some deity told them to, and many other people die too.

Hansel and Gretel

The statistics reveal that it's hard for kids to adjust to having stepparents—only about 20 percent of adult stepkids feel close to their stepmoms. So when Hansel and Gretel's father gets remarried, it puts a real strain on all of their relationships. The children gradually grow apart and don't call much after moving out for college. Hansel develops a drinking problem that renders him obese and diabetic, forcing him to a low-carb diet (“dropping bread crumbs”), while Gretel writes poetry like Sylvia Plath.

Three Little Pigs That Get Eaten Because They Don't Live in Houses

Image: Wikimedia Commons

A wolf is spotted and shot outside of a pork rendering plant.

So there you go, Dr. Dawkins. Tales that even the most assiduous little skeptic can enjoy. What was fantasy for anyway?

Sleeping/dying girl image: Pixabay