5 Absurd Sleep Inventions That Somehow Got Patented

Everyone needs to sleep, and necessity is the mother of invention, so of course there are like a million sleep-related patents granted in the United States. Whether you're trying to fall asleep or trying not to fall asleep—or trying to make your child believe they're being eaten by an alligator in their sleep—ingenious American inventors have you covered.

Here are some of my favorites that I've found. Reading patent applications is usually enough to put anyone to sleep, so I've also translated the patent descriptions into ordinary English.

"SLEEP APNEA AVOIDANCE PROCESS AND APPARATUS"

Patent description: A sleep apnea avoidance process includes selecting a pillow having a pair of sides, angled at a predetermined angle and shaped to hold a person's head face down on one side thereof. The selected pillow has a pair of arm openings thereunder to position a person's arm to assist in holding a person's head face down on the pillow angle side such that the user can use one or the other arms when placing the head on one or the other angled side of the pillow. The process includes resting on one of the pillow's angled sides with one arm placed through the arm opening whereby jaw movement and sleep apnea are avoided.

Translation: A pillow with armholes, for people who like to put their arms under their pillows while sleeping but don't like waking up with numb arms.

Also treats sleep apnea.

"SLEEPING BAG FOR CHILDREN"

Patent Description: A sleeping bag having an upper side and an under side and an opening at one end is provided with indicia representing a creature, the mouth parts of which are aligned with the open end so that a user entering the sleeping bag at the open end is given the impression of crawling into the mouth and body of the creature to sleep.

Translation: A sleeping bag in the shape of alligator. It's got teeth!!!

Small child not claimed in invention.

"SLEEP-PREVENTING ALARM DEVICE"

Patent description: A sleep-preventing device incorporated within a pair of glasses having a light emitting diode, a photo diode, a buzzer, a power source and a printed circuit board. The printed circuit board is electrically connected to the light emitting diode, the photo diode, the buzzer. The photo diode is lodged in the bridge of the glasses and protrudes from a nosepiece of the glasses. An earpiece of the glasses has a cavity to receive the printed circuit board and the light emitting diode. An opening of the cavity is covered by a plate and a cover on which the printed circuit board is disposed. The plate has a number of holes to receive the light emitting diode, in which bores of the holes are oriented towards the photo diode so that the photo diode receives the light from the light emitting diode.

Translation: An alarm clock for your face. So, like Google Glass but a hundred times more annoying because its whole purpose is to shine lights and noise at you if you start falling asleep.

"SLEEP SHADE"

Patent description: This invention relates to an eyeshield designed primarily for use by persons while sleeping so that their rest will not be disturbed by light rays. The shield can also be used while taking light treatments whereby the eyes will be protected from the light rays.

Translation: Wait, this is just an eye mask, right? There's no goddamn way there's a patent on that.

"OCCUPANT TURNING DEVICE FOR BED"

Patent Description: A conventional bed frame having a tiltable base, box spring and mattress with the box spring and mattress of less length than the frame and base to provide a space at the head end of the bed for the reception of a hollow padded receptacle and a pillow having spaced cut-outs for reception of the face, nose, mouth and ears, whichever is aligned with its slot, the pillow being shiftable in its receptacle as the occupant moves to any one of the normal sleeping positions and especially on the stomach or either side. When the bed is occupied, the body is covered by the folds of a relatively wide sheet material lying across the bed for shifting or turning the body and thereby effecting most comfortable sleeping positions. The sheet material has the joined folds mounted on reels at the sides of the bed to retract the folds or allow extension thereof upon turning of the occupant.

Translation: Uhhh….

Well, I know what it looks like, but I'm pretty sure it's not a BDSM thing?

You'll Sleep When You're Dead is Motherboard's exploration of the future of sleep._ Read more stories_.