Amazon Steals 'Fire' from the Gods With Its Scorching Hot New Smartphone

Two words: 'Fire' away. Amazon is breathing fire on the competition with its new hotly anticipated 'Fire' phone, which marks the tech giant's steaming entry into the smartphone market. And it's scorching hot. I should know: I'm the nation's #1 Consumer Electronics Man.

Amazon's white hot handheld portal into a bold new tomorrow was announced at an exclusive press event in Seattle today, and one thing was immediately clear: The future will never be the same. CEO Jeff Bezos's head shined and gleamed like a smoothed UFO as he raised the device skyward—nice blazer, too—ushering forth what may prove to be the most groundbreaking invention since flint. Then again, flint is probably only worth, like, a single blog post. The Fire deserves to fill entire pages:

The unit, which is rectangular in shape with dark borders and some kind of a clear covering over an electronic screen, appears capable of allowing consumers to communicate with anyone else in the world with access to a similarly shaped product.

As a two-time industry expert, one of the first things I noticed was that 'Fire' branding strongly positions the device head and shoulders above devices aimed at cooler temperate zones, though it may end up alienating those with heat sensitivities. Sharp-eyed observers also noted that Amazon.com rose to prominence selling books, and one book it sells is Fahrenheit 451—the temperature at which books burn. And what makes books burn? Fire. Insider circles, I'm told, are quietly worrying that this may hit too close to home, and damage its quarterly fiscal outlook.

I don't blame them. One time I yelled 'Fire' in a movie theater when I saw Jenna making out with Buford like three days after she dumped me, and it was easily the most damage I did to my personal brand that year. It took three months of straight power using on Twitter to rebuild my klout, and about the same amount of community service.

Nonetheless. The name's just the tip of the iceberg that the Fire is melting away with its flamethrower of branding opportunities.

Journalists are already marveling over its 3D feature, marking it as a vast improvement over 2D and less tangible competitors. Its augmented reality interpreter can scan anything, we're told, but mostly barcodes on other products, making the Fire a strong candidate for 2014's best product for seamlessly buying other products. There is unlimited photo storage, for both of the people who might purchase this phone who have not yet figured out how to use Instagram. The dynamic perspective offers consumers a new angle on the screen, and allows them to interface with reality in a multidemensional way—with Amazon's Fire, you essentially become the God of your own handheld universe, and every little thing in it is at your benevolent mercy.

The tech press will likely be ruthless and scrupulous in its assessment of the phone. Here's a taste of the journalistic coverage that has already started in on the 'Fire':

"You Can PreOrder Amazon's Fire Phone Right Now," -Gizmodo

"The 10 Coolest Things About Amazon's Fire Phone"  -the Verge

"Amazon's Firefly recognizes everything you see and hear, then lets you buy it" - Engagdet

And that's just the beginning. Some reviewers will no doubt love it. Others will find small flaws that subtly distract from an otherwise smooth interface. Others may decide that, for instance, the casing is ill-fitting, and that it is maybe a little cheap-looking but still a good value. Others still will proclaim it a scrappy underdog and boldly defend the unpopular opinion that it is, in fact, the best smartphone.

Don't listen to any of them. I alone have the key to owning the best smartphone at all times, and I will share it with you if you finish reading this sentence: Buy every phone. Every single phone on the market. When the Fire comes out, buy it too. Then you will have the best phone on the market, even if it ends up not being the Fire, which it probably will, but may not, be.

You see, there's a reason Jeff Bezos was smiling today on that stage. He knows the truth, that he has just become a modern day Prometheus—and he's just stolen Fire from the Gods.