'Ace of Seafood' Is the Laser Lobster War Game We Didn't Know We Wanted

An improved follow-up to the nearly unknown Neo Aquarium, Ace of Seafood takes place some time after the fall of civilization… I think. The rough translations are the kind you have to roll with, and as such everything is written like an impromptu zen koan. Regardless, be it a nuclear fallout, a spiritual fallout, or just slow extinction, all that's left are the creatures of the sea, who can not only coordinate with other species, but blast lasers from their face. What do they want from this quiet planet? Conquest. Blood.

A cross-section of Tokyo Jungle, a criminally overlooked action RPG about animals surviving post-apocalyptic Japan, and Dynasty Warriors, an immensely popular series about China's Three Kingdoms warfare, Ace of Seafood baits you into becoming king of the ocean. The biggest fish in the sea.

You can choose from one of three classes, the meek but pack-minded sardines, the armoured tank-like lobster, or the generalist salmon. Your mission is to seek out reefs, ranging from sunken ships to whale carcases. You then liberate them from the hermit crabs and barracudas occupying them, and make them your own. You can choose not only your weapon, sputtering plasma blasts and homing fireballs, but the formation of your army. A big part of the game is assembling your crew. You can roam the ocean as a swarm of sardines, but you can also assemble soldiers out of the DNA collected from fallen enemies, weaponizing the chorus line from The Little Mermaid. You can only materialize them in the reefs, because rusted trucks on the seafloor apparently have cloning labs that fish can use.

Who you recruit and how you command them is the key to the game, since different fish and foes will come at you in various ways. I once made the mistake of picking a fight with several thorny rumblefish who made quick mincemeat of me and my crustaceans. While you're often the most competent, knowledgeable fighter, it helps a lot to have good backup when you're trying to regain footing in the blue void of the ocean.

This game is not an easy one to crack, or interpret, which perhaps makes sense for a simulator of species that don't have the memory span to make it through this article. The user interface, an all-you-can-eat buffet of radars, sonars, stats, weapon options and aiming reticles, seems designed by someone who might not actually care if you know what you're doing. Or perhaps someone who likes the visual appeal of EVE Online, but only at a glance. It is a game that is best played by pretending you know what you're doing, until you actually know what you are doing. Just like life!