6 Movies That Made Us Afraid of Mars
Image: Shutterstock

FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Tech

6 Movies That Made Us Afraid of Mars

A spooky marathon of films that Elon Musk probably shouldn’t watch.

Elon Musk and his crew at SpaceX are pretty dead set on getting humans to Mars. In September, Musk unveiled his grand plan for Mars colonisation, detailing how colonists will be shipped off to the Red Planet in an Interplanetary Transport Ship. It's ambitious alright—and Motherboard's already discussed whether it's feasible or not—but in the spirit of Halloween we thought we'd give Musk a little bit more to think about.

Advertisement

So I sat down this week to wade through five horror films about, or set on Mars. It was tough. Despite the planet's current popularity, there's actually not a great deal of Mars-based horror films. I mean, if being stranded on the planet having to eat potatoes for years is your idea of Hell, then The Martian (2015) is terrifying. But conventional Mars spook-fests are few and far between. Nevertheless, I loaded up Doom, Star Crystal, Species II, Ghosts of Mars, Total Recall, and The Last Days on Mars, to help Elon Musk prepare for what may be in store for when SpaceX finally gets there.

DOOM (2005)

Plot: Super manly marines led by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson are sent to Mars via a portal from Earth to kill some mutant monsters that are on the rampage in a governmental research facility. It's like the game.

What Musk can learn: The big takeaway here is that it's way easier to get to Mars through some messed-up globule mass portal rather than the ITS (Interplanetary Transport System). Seriously, it's way cheaper, and the only downsides are maybe vomming up some white frothy liquid or losing your lower half to another galaxy.

But once you're there? Things are fucked. There were actually ancient humans living on Mars, and some of them had 24 chromosomes rather than the normal 23, making them super strong and super brutal. Turns out this extra chromosome on Mars turns humans into crazy zombie monsters though, and those silly scientists have only gone and let it loose in the research facility. (The actual genetics of this are completely wrong, but sure). Soon enough, all the white-coats are turning into monsters left, right, and centre, and it's up to the marines to kill them all.

Advertisement

Essentially, once Musk gets us to Mars, we should keep an eye out for remains of humans that had this 24th chromosome, and never ever synthesize it for experiments. All Mars colonists should, however, be equipped with a standard issue BFG (Big Fucking Gun) because that's awesome. Oh and don't take The Rock to Mars; he'll just be a liability. Also, if you use cloud storage, you won't have to go traipsing through a bunch of dangerous rooms trying to retrieve data. Beam that shit back to Earth beforehand.

Spook level: 7/10

Danger to Musk level: 5/10

Best quote: "Kill them all, let God sort them out."

The Gar. Image: New World Pictures

STAR CRYSTAL (1986)

This is the worst film I've ever watched. I honestly can't believe it was made. It's not scary at all. It's ludicrous. And to think it was made in 1986 is beyond belief.

Plot: Some scientists on Mars bring back a rock that's an egg that hatches into a crystal and then some goo comes out of it, and the goo loves the crystal and then the goo kills everything. Then the goo, called GAR, learns about religion, and then loves humans.

What Musk can learn: The good news is, the film reckons routine missions on Mars will be happening by 2032. But, make sure you're not hiring some incompetent research scientists for your mission mates because this is exactly what will happen. They'll bring some weird egg crystal thing back from the surface un-quarantined and all Hell will break loose. They admittedly don't even care about the egg, they're just in it for the bonus. Bonus schemes are bad, too, Musk!

Advertisement

But fine, the goo eventually becomes nice. The astronauts teach it about religion by reading it the Bible (I know), and GaR apologizes. Happy ending? Sort of. GAR has to leave because of something I couldn't quite work out. Anyway I'm getting sidetracked. The lesson here is TO TAKE RELIGION TO MARS in case of any alien encounters. Phew.

Spook level: 1/10

Danger to Musk level: 6/10

Best quote: "Blluurrarrarrrrrrggggggghhhhsissssss" [GAR]

The mating ritual scene in Species II is one of the most disgusting Mars horror movie scenes ever. Image: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

SPECIES II (1998)

Plot: A sequel to the original and sacrosanct Species, Species II sees the violent and sexual predatory tendencies of an alien virus get brought back from Mars.

What Musk can learn: Quarantine, quarantine, quarantine. Seriously, what is it with all these cowboy astronauts taking creepy samples from the surface of Mars? Anyway, an alien virus present in a Martian soil sample infects some Mars visitors, with the mission commander eventually going on a sexual rampage, impregnating as many women as he can find, collecting a large brood of alien half-children in the process.

It's actually fairly horrifying (the concept, not the visual FX.) Did I mention quarantine? Thankfully, Mars colonists will actually have to adhere to strict quarantine rules about Martian samples, to both prevent forward contamination (of Mars) and backwards contamination (of Earth).

Spook level: 6/10

Danger to Musk level: 3/10

Best quote: "Forget safe sex, you're dangerous!"

Advertisement

Image: Sony Pictures

JOHN CARPENTER'S GHOSTS OF MARS (2001)

Plot: Human colonists on Mars released ghosts of people that used to live on Mars, and they're freaking mad as hell, so they possess everyone and make the colonists kill each other.

What Musk can learn: Right off the bat, this film doesn't have a happy ending as such. But, the Mars colony is a matriarchy, and that is fucking cool. Musk, listen up. If you want things to run well, we suggest having Mars become a matriarchal society.

Aside from this, the main takeaway for Musk and his colonists is DO NOT SHOOT without asking ghosts about their feelings first. Most of this film comprises people shooting other people who have been possessed, but this only releases the ghosts, who then move on and possess more people. It's dumb! Don't do it! The ghosts are just pissed because they think the humans are invading their planet, but if everyone had just chilled out it probably would have been okay. Diplomacy skills definitely needed for Mars, then, Musk.

The concept is cool though. What we may be looking at here with this film, and what Musk needs to watch out for, is an ancient civilization so advanced that it kept itself alive by turning into ghosts that were able to hibernate (or perhaps have an underground party) for potentially millions of years.

Spook level: 7/10

Danger to Musk level: 9/10

Best quote: "Whoever used to live here, we woke it up."

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Quaid in Total Recall. Image: TriStar Pictures

TOTAL RECALL (1990)

Advertisement

The original. Not that 2012 remake.

Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger is your average Joe future construction worker who's having nightmares about Mars. Then some guys try to kill him because they reckon he's actually a revolutionary agent from Mars. Is he? Yes. But were his dreams memories? What is real? Has he been planted with fake memories? Let's all go to Mars to find out.

What Musk can learn: The first rule of Mars is to get your radiation shielding right. Colonists on Mars in the film have been turned into freaky mutants because there wasn't adequate radiation shielding, and no one wants that, Musk.

We've also got the problem of a monopoly on oxygen for the colonists. We just can't have this kind of uber-capitalist infrastructure in place for Musk's mission. It only ends in dire consequences and we want Mars to be the best of Earth, not the worst of it.

Lastly, although the previous films in this article have highlighted that alien artefacts are bad, sometimes they are actually good. Take the turbinium reactor in Total Recall, a mysterious alien artefact that turns the atmosphere on Mars breathable when activated. Was it a present to future colonists from past visitors? Who knows, but it's worth checking out all avenues we may find when we get to the Red Planet.

Spook level: 4/10

Danger to Musk level: 9/10 (because of the dangers of fascistic bureaucratic societies on Mars)

Best quote: "Get your ass to Mars."

Advertisement

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS (2013)

Plot: Astronauts on Mars find a life form that's pretty much a zombie virus that starts infecting them and turning them into crazies. Panic and disaster ensue, with a frantic dash off the planet in order.

What Musk can learn: Damn, going to Mars can look sexy! It would seem The Martian borrowed heavily from the aesthetic of this film, with wonderfully clean and crisp habitat modules, and awesome looking Mars rovers. I think Musk has got this down though, that ITS is one good looking beast.

But back to the horror. Some of the astronauts detect life, they go to investigate, fall into a pit and go missing. Somehow they walk back to the habitat modules all zombie-like and start a murderous rampage. The thing is, aside from the whole zombie thing, the whole scenario was fairly unavoidable. Some tight quarantine measures were in place, the only weak link being some idiot who let the first zombie astronaut in. Out of all the films, this one definitely seems the most likely and poses the greatest danger to Musk and us would-be colonists. In a zombie scenario, we must have no compassion. Leave them outside. Kill them. Just don't let them in.

Spook level: 9/10

Danger to Musk level: 9/10

Best quote: "Do you think of part of us survives after death?"

Get six of our favorite Motherboard stories every day by signing up for our newsletter.