Sex sells. A lot. Put aside all the exciting teledildonics hype for a second and remember that the old-fashioned sex toy industry is valued at $15 billion and growing. And if you believe sexuality counselor Ian Kerner, sex toys have now gone mainstream. Sure, most women in the U.S. — and nearly half of all men — have used vibrators, but what’s really eye-catching is the sinformation that some sex toys “are considered luxury items… beautiful, artsy, and – in some cases – costing thousands of dollars…”
Thousands of clams for a sex toy? In an effort to verify this claim, and save you, dear reader, from having to walk alone down some of dingiest, grimiest back-alleys of the Internet, or travel to one of those SoHo sex shops with a bell on the door, I have scoured the web on my own to find the most costly schwing bling in the world. I haven’t tried these out per se, but I have seen photographic proof that they work. (Just don’t tell my wife.)
LITTLE STEEL TONIGHT – $2,000
What happens when the former front-man for the Eurythmics partners with high-end adult novelty boutique, Jimmy Jane, to create the ultimate in sophisticated seduction? Apparently: “a lifetime of vibrations, encircled with written inspiration and 28 black diamonds.”
While I’m not entirely sure how LITTLE STEEL TONIGHT creates “the perfect accompaniment to the handwritten chorus from Dave Stewart’s song,” at least it also comes with a guitar pick — you know, because presumably you’ll be playing a lot of solos.
If sleek and discreet isn’t really your thing, for a single extra Benjamin, you can partake in the timeless pleasures offered by Extreme Restraint’s pricey paraphernalia-to-nail-ya:
The name alone is enough to bring discerning customers to climax, but with a tagline like, “The Shockspot Fucking Machine lets you program how you want to be pounded!”, you know that quality control won’t be an issue. Which is good, because this thing is about as complicated as the space shuttle, with just as much potential for disaster should anything go wrong. “The Shockspot produces motions that are impossible for rotary-based fucking machines to perform,” reads the brochure. But don’t they know we’ve upgraded to touch tone fucking machines?
You can control the stroke length, speed, smoothness and pattern at the touch of a button. The system instantly responds to your commands through the Touch and Feel software installed on your PC, laptop computer or palm button. You have the option of selecting pre-programmed routines or creating your own using our intuitive point and click programming page. Store and share your programs with other Shockspot users over the Internet. Save your programs with easy to remember names of your choice and recall in seconds.
Aside from launching you into the stratosphere of the social sexual Internet, the Shockspot Robotic Fucking Machine screams class and sophistication.
But if you’re less about class and more about ass (and have three-and-a-half large to drop), you, too, can own a piece of mythical carnal history:
Betony Vernon Unicorn Butt Plug – $3,475
Now, I could begin this section with a Harry Potter-inspired joke along the lines of, “I knew that Ron Weasley was a little too distressed when the Whomping Willow broke his Unicorn-hair-core wand during his second year at Hogwarts,” but that would be incredibly distasteful. It would also be irrelevant since, despite the name, “this beautifully crafted butt plug is made out of silver and horses [sic] mane.” I mean, seriously? Horse mane? What happened to truth in advertising! Betony Vernon has clearly lost his way.
Fortunately, when it comes to full disclosure, this next poonanny product puts us right back on track — nomenclaturally speaking, that is. Introducing the:
Thrillhammer Sex Machine – $3,595
The name pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? You’ll get thrilled. You’ll get hammered! (Frankly, you should probably get hammered before you get thrilled, but that’s just one writer’s opinion.) Either way, I think we can all agree that “This isn’t just an investment for your sex life this is also a great new piece of furniture.” Amen, brother. Can’t wait to show it off to the in-laws! “Hey there, Pa-in-law. How would you and Ma-in-law like to swing by tonight and see our new living room set?”
Oops, mocked too soon. Apparently its ability to go incognito really is considered a selling point:
A state of the art retro chair with adjustable head rest, handles that tuck away, stirrups that come on and off or can swing all the way around for another position or to appear like a normal chair when the folks are in town, a vibrating and thrusting machine that is also detachable if need be, air compressor, handheld control to independently adjust the dildo stroke speed and vibrator stimulation, and last but certainly not least – instructions!
Hopefully the instructions aren’t written by IKEA, since I imagine this is something you really don’t want to assemble incorrectly. In fact, why bother with toys that require assembly at all when — for the price of a used car — you can buy your very own sex doll to ride in instead!
RealDolls – $6,499
Don’t worry if you think Betty here is a butterdollface (“Her doll body — wowza! But her doll face…”), because the female RealDolls feature the patented Face-X System, which allows you to have multiple interchangeable faces for one body. Just think how turned on you’ll get ripping off your plastic girlfriend’s faces one at a time while you try to decide which lifeless eyes you’ll stare lustfully into tonight at your pleasure dome in the Uncanny Valley.
Naturally, RealDolls also feature a 7" deep mouth cavity, optional removable inserts for ease of hygiene and maintenance, “and a new line of faces and bodies to be added to the RD2 collection throughout the coming years.”
Feeling icky yet? How about just plain broke? Either way, I hope you saved enough money for one final fun-time thrill-frill:
INEZ – $13,500
The least threatening body bauble on the list, “The Most Exclusive Vibrator Ever Created” will nonetheless set you back a cool couple of RealDolls thanks to its 24K gold-plate finish. Sure, it’s expensive, but keep in mind that a) recent research indicates that couples who enjoy vibrators have happier sex lives and b) it’s covered in gold.