First, a caveat: I spent the years 11 thru 14 doing this near-religious little Friday night routine, where I would phone up a local pizza shop (shouts to Torino's) and quietly order a half tuna sweetcorn, half mortadella pizza – literally the most insane pizza order in all of the world, nothing about that makes sense, a horror – and then I would nestle down on the floor in front of the TV and quietly eat the entire thing while watching the latest episode of Robot Wars.
Advertisement
In the moments I wasn't eating pizza and watching Robot Wars I was thinking about Robot Wars. I was drawing little robot chassis in various notebooks. I was reading manuals on how to build robots. I was trying to convince my dad to take me to the dump so we could source old lawnmower motors. He never did. He did not want a son who screwed two lawnmower motors to a badly dremeled piece of wood and called it a robot. Nobody did. Nobody wants that. I mean I looked like this, for fuck's sake:
So now I am through the other side of this I am now definitely in a position to rank others for their nerdiness – something about being without sin and casting stones? I don't know exactly how it goes – starting with last night's Robot Wars redux.Quick review of the episode: yeah, it was really good; Carbine is a beast. Long review: I kind of want to go to the dump and ask them in a high, wavering, unbroken voice whether they have any lawnmower motors again. Dude in a boiler suit and a dirty face just laughing at me. Two-handedly throwing an old deck chair into a skip and just laughing and laughing and laughing. "Fuck off, kid," he's saying. "Fuck off and grow a bollock, you daft little twat."Anyway!
Absolute anomaly. Absolutely no clue how this happened.
LEAST NERDY:
DARCIE, TEAM RAZER
GILLIAN, TEAM RAZER
Advertisement
BOTH THE DUDES FROM BONK, TEAM BONK
ANGELA SCANLON, HOST
SIMON, TEAM RAZER
Advertisement
THE OTHER ONES, BEHEMOTH
IAN, TEAM RAZER
MATTHEW, KILL-E-CRANK-E
NICK, KILL-E-CRANK-E
MEDIUM NERDY
HAYDEN JAMES, THE GENERAL
Advertisement
SHERYL, TEAM CARBINE
ALAN, THE GENERAL
TOM, THE GENERAL
NICK, TERRORHURTS
DAVID, CARBINE (LOSING EDITION)
MOST NERDY
SAM, CARBINE
Advertisement
ROBIN, KILL-E-CRANK-E
DAVID, CARBINE (WINNING)
Advertisement
ANTHONY, BEHEMOTH
JOHN, TERRORHURTS
PROF. SETHU VIJAYAKUMAR, JUDGE
DR LUCY ROGERS, JUDGE
NOEL SHARKEY, JUDGE
ALEX, TEAM NUTS
RORY, TEAM NUTS
CHRIS, TEAM NUTS
Advertisement