In 1965, Mick Jagger, with all of his bedraggled and drunken charisma, took to stage and screamed “I can’t get no satisfaction” to a crowd for the first time. In their break-through single, the ‘Stones sang of a life where nothing hit quite right. Fifty years later and it’s a feeling that still resonates. Satisfaction is something we all want to feel, but a lot of us will agree with Mr Jagger: the mundanity of life, and love, can leave a fair bit to be desired. We could all try a bit more, work a bit harder and make the effort to find that feeling more often than we actually do. But even knowing that’s the case, a lot of the time we accept what we’ve got and keep rolling along, even if it means we’re unhappy – and we need to stop doing that. Especially when it comes to our relationships. There are a million reasons people convince themselves to stay in a flop relationship: lifestyle changes, losing friends, feeling lonely, financial stability. One of the most regrettable reasons people will stick around is a feeling that nothing is particularly wrong. The big question we find ourselves contemplating is: why leave someone if there’s no obvious reason that things aren’t going well? But relationships need to be more than just okay – And nothing has to be wrong for a break-up to be right. We’re not encouraging you to throw tits to the wind and ditch your partner (or partners) because things aren’t perfect. Because let’s be real, perfect isn’t that realistic, either. People are weird and complicated and don’t always get it right. You don’t have to be totally in tune with someone you’re dating, or getting it right together, every time. But if you’re finding you feel out of sync with your partner a lot of the time, or that they’re not actively making you feel happy, it’s probably worth thinking about why you’re sticking it out. And if the answer is “just cos”’, “I don’t know” or “it’s better than being alone”, it’s probably not a relationship you need to be in. And nothing being wrong doesn’t make ending things any easier, either. Especially if you’re not on the same page.A break-up might only feel right for one of you, as one reader told VICE:“We were essentially the same people, just, like, gender flipped, and initially that was really good. But I began to realise that the downside of that was that everything I disliked in myself, I saw mirrored in him. All of my least favourable qualities were reflected back on me. So I started to kind of resent him for no reason. He didn't do anything wrong.
I had to break it off. I didn't explain why to him because I felt like you can't really tell somebody “I don't like you because you're too much like me”. There were never any blow ups or fights, so there was no real sign that it was coming, I think, from his end. He was really upset.”
It doesn’t take long before discontent becomes resentment, and even if your ex takes the news badly, in the long run you can hope they understand that being resented by you wasn’t the right place for them to be either. Stringing things out for too long will only leave you feeling like you’ve wasted your time and energy. In retrospect, it’s pretty likely that you’ll end up feeling like this even if you didn’t resent them at the time. Sometimes, as Jamie* shared with VICE, it’s pretty clear it's the best thing for everyone. “We were attracted to each other physically and had enough in common to keep things moving along, like music taste and our interest in fashion,” they said. “We just didn’t really like each other in the way you should when you date someone. But because nothing distinct like fighting or cheating happened, it never felt like we were forced to assess whether we actually enjoyed being together.
I’m so glad it finally ended. Looking back now, I was so unhappy and they were too. It definitely taught me that nothing being overtly wrong isn’t a good enough reason to stay together. You should be excited to be with that person for who they are, not just okay with it.”
And this is where it becomes even more complicated, because when you’re unhappy, you don’t always notice. Listen to your friends and your family and pay attention to their concerns, because they might be better at seeing that you’re behaving differently than you are. And if they’ve been bold enough to bring it up with you, it’s probably worth considering their point. It’s a good rule of thumb for all relationships to check in with yourself every now and then – Because there won’t always be a shitstorm – or even some smaller drama – to draw your attention. And whether it’s one sided, 4-sided or entirely mutual, ending a just-okay relationship can still be brutal. Articulating why (to each other and other people) is no easy task when there’s nothing obvious to point to. In some ways it can feel harder than a disastrous blow-out because it’s such a conscious decision. In a slow, creaky break-up, you have a lot more opportunity to communicate how you do it – which is great, but it takes work. A break-up can genuinely be one of the best choices you make in your life. And if you’re stuck in this cycle of discontent-turned-resentment, you’re gonna feel that pretty quickly. The freedom and peace that comes with unshackling yourself from a blah/sub-par relationship is something you’ll be thanking yourself for for a long time. It may take a little time to re-adjust, but you’ll be stoked you made the choice to call things quits.Whether on your own, or in a partnership, go out and get that real satisfaction. It’s what Mick would want.
Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.LoveBetter Youthline support channels:Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nzOr rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234https://check.areyouok.org.nz/
Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.
