Live Out the Rest of Your Lease On Your Own

No, I mean, the two of you moved in together to save on rent, and it actually worked out to be about £150 less than you were paying anyway, and you were finding that pretty much a breeze to deal with, so I guess if they just move out it won’t actually feel like too much more than your old rent, so you could just stay here for the next eight months and pay all the rent yourself and then you can live on your own and be newly single with a cool new flat to drag new people back to, excellent and well played, only no disrespect but you had somehow forgotten to pay a gas bill for an entire year and now you somehow owe £700 (!) for all those long showers you used to take together, and also they took the sofa and you only have a single dinner chair to sit in and watch TV from, and six weeks into living on your own you made a Google Doc spreadsheet to calculate your exact incomings and outgoings and you've figured out that if you walk to work between now and February and never buy a beer again then you can exactly, exactly break even on living in this place without having to worry.

So you've got two options: do that, live a sensible life, don't go into debt to keep a roof above your head and live the life you want, keep your head down and come out of the other side intact.

Or – and I think we both know this is what you're going to do, now, don’t we – say "fuck it", immediately spend £30 at the pub, buy lunch at work four days out of the next five and quietly file all those nascent fears that now fill your soul and squirm within your body into a dusty cabinet at the back of your mind. Think about it like this: you have, never once, died. How badly can you possibly live your life between now and the end of the contract that you might die? Order a big curry to your one-bed and text something nice to your mum. You might need to be on her sweet side when you get evicted in, ooh, ten weeks' time.

AFTER A PERIOD OF EXTENDED SILENCE, YOUR LANDLORD HAS PHONED THREE TIMES AND EMAILED ONCE. WHAT DOES HE WANT?