My wife and I went to see a taping of Wheel of Fortune in February 2018 while on vacation in LA. It was a stupid thing to do but was absolutely fun. Anyway, the best part of it for me was watching how visibly annoyed Pat was at how long it took to tape three episodes. He must have asked the production people a dozen times to pick up the pace, what time they were leaving, why things were taking so long. He just wanted to leave the entire time. So you're totally not imagining his boredom on screen.
What about Budweiser though? If you stop next to any babbling brook, you WILL see an empty Bud can from 1982 lolling down it, pinballing amongst the rocks. One time I found a Bud can on the ground that had a pull tab on it, it was so old. I almost kept it. I was like THIS COULD BE WORTH A LOT OF MONEY! But I decided against it. Clearly my loss. Aluminum cans do decompose, but it can take up to 200 years. That's found money that we're ALL missing out on. I should quit writing and collect these cans, perhaps amassing them inside in a shopping cart of some kind. Whole new way of disrupting the job sector.But Ryan is correct. Coke is the #1 offender when it comes to global waste. That's not me doing my usual dad bullshitting. It's been measured by volunteer groups. The beauty of soda is that it will not only rot your insides, but its waste will also choke the life out of everything else around you. Now that's a win-win, folks. Can't wait to visit the Grand Canyon and see it filled to with brim with ice cold Coca-Cola. What majesty. What effervescence. I am shedding tears of pure, high fructose corn syrup as we speak.This question has crossed my mind on several occasions while walking/driving around any normal city: Which identifiable brand is responsible for the most worldwide litter? If I am walking down the street anywhere in the world and see trash in the gutter, which brand is the most prominent? Initially I thought McDonald's was the most likely culprit but as I am typing this I am starting to lean towards random Coke bottles and cans.
I can define them. Art is fun. Crafts are torture. Take it from a parent: Craft time will break you. I will die young thanks to the mass prevalence of glue stick toxins in this house. And every preschool in America is a crafts sweatshop. Little kids spend all day making dreamcatchers with tongue depressors, and then I'm forced to save them like I'm the official curator of the Smithsonian. YOU TALK ABOUT LITTER.For your question, I went and consulted the dictionary like a complete hack. The answers I found there didn't satisfy me, so I'm gonna over ride both Merriam AND Webster and tell you that arts are for form and crafts are for function. When you make a homemade map of the world—complete with North America in the shape of diseased tree—that's a craft. You're making something to use it for something else. You're painting pottery, or writing signs, or cutting out decorations for a Christmas party. It's not art for art's sake. Crafts are practical, or at least as practical as an anatomically correct human skeleton made from dog treats can be.Alan:We're weird and can't agree on the difference between arts and crafts. How do you define them? Does it even matter?
What's [VICE editor Tim] Marchman's stance on heat in the winter? AC's s a necessity because you can only take off so many clothes. Naked in 120 degrees is still fucking hot. But you can add infinite layers and save energy all winter. Just the keep the house at 45 or whatever to keep the pipes from freezing.
Not a chance. I'm been wiping my own ass for over 40 years now. By contrast, I've been parenting for just 14 years, and all my kids learned to wipe themselves years ago. I know that kids, particularly babies, shit a LOT more than adults. Give a baby some oatmeal and suddenly their ass becomes Kīlauea. But my kids would still have to shit at a rate of, like, six times an hour and need to be wiped until age 10 to match my personal career tally. And to exceed that tally, I'd have to have as many kids as the Duggars and both my parents would need to be in hospice.How many kids does one need to have in order to have wiped someone else's butt more times than your own? You have said that you have three kids, have you wiped their butts (collectively) more times than you have wiped your own?
HALFTIME!
I remember SportsCenter people calling the Colorado Avalanche the 'lanche for a long time before they switched over to calling them the Avs. These sportscasters are all roughly as lazy as Pat Sajak, if not more so. You can't even be bothered to say a two- or three-syllable word? Telling me what's going on with sports teams is your literal fucking job. You are not ingratiating yourselves with all the hip millennial sports fans by Topher-fying every team's name. No one calls the Houston Texans the 'Xans. Actually that would be better than "Texans" but THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is that if you're gonna be that lazy, every team name should just be a fucking emoji. John Anderson would probably shorten it to half an emoji anyway. "Big night for the SHRUHS."Steve:On the Deadcast a few months ago you mentioned people calling the Wizards the 'zards, which is pretty bad. But my dad calls the Orlando Magic the 'gic, mostly to make fun of me for following the Magic. Can you think of a worse nickname than that? There probably is one but I'm struggling to come up with it.
You have to buy a chimney starter. You can find them at Home Depot or on Amazon for less the $20. You stuff the bottom of it with newspaper knots. You load the top the charcoal. You light up the bottom and BOOM! You got yourself a fire. That's magic.How the hell do you get the charcoal to catch fire without wasting an hour of your life? I've heard lighter fluid is bad for you so I've just been lighting pieces of paper on fire but that takes forever. Please let me know what you use before my wife and kids stop letting me grill.
What do you think is the best flavor of milkshake? And I mean your regular ice cream shop milkshake flavors, without added ingredients like candy or whatever. Here's my ranking:
1) Butterscotch
2) Cookies 'n' Cream
3) Vanilla
4) Mint Chocolate Chip
5) Chocolate
6) Strawberry
You have to slow down, Garett. I was not ready for that many bad takes crammed into one letter. You and Marchman should sit in a cold house together. I have never had a butterscotch milkshake and have no plans to. Also, strawberry shakes are among the most dependable shakes in the world. Even McDonald's does them justice. And strawberry milk is good too, while we're at it. [And I have the bad takes?—Ed.] What I'm saying Garett is that I must now hunt you down and kill you. YOU FUCKER.Chocolate is totally overrated flavor and vanilla is always underrated, right? And strawberry milkshakes are just as terrible as strawberry flavored milk.
It's not that they believe any of his lies, it's that they want him to lie and get away with it. So they'll gladly assist him in the task by saying that only babies and sissies poop and that their fearless leader doesn't. The lie doesn't matter. Only the getting away with it does. Trump is a living wet dream for every dickish asshole who drives a pickup truck and believes they deserve to be king of everything. To see Trump chase the same shallow aspirations and somehow NOT get tossed down a well for it is their eternal wellspring of inspiration, and it's the reason they'll vote for him even if he murders their children. Oh look, another thing our boy Don got away with. THE BALLS ON THIS GUY! WE LOVE IT!If Trump said one day, "I don't pee or poop. Never have, never needed to. Peeing and pooping is for losers," what percentage of his base would believe him? And how would they explain his lack of a need of excretion?
You know what's weird is that my own kids never got into Sesame Street. When I was a kid, I used to fight with my sister over the TV because I wanted to watch Sesame Street and she wanted to watch Little House on the Prairie, which sucked. My own kids blitzed right past both of those relics and dove headlong into the netherworld of shitty Disney sitcoms and YouTube clips of other people playing video games. So I haven't watched a full episode of Sesame Street in a long, long time. But FUCK IT WE'LL DO IT LIVE. Please note that these rankings will not include any Muppets. I know Muppets occasionally visit the SSCU, but I'm gonna keep those add-ins off the list for the time being.My 10 month old has recently been semi-entrained by Sesame Street. What's the official "Magary Power Rankings" of Sesame Street characters? All I recommend is Elmo get the traditional last spot after getting hit by a bus.
- Cookie Monster
- Cookie Monster
- Cookie Monster
- Ernie
- Grover
- The Count
- Oscar
- Guy Smiley
- Bert
- Zoe
- Big Bird
- Snuffleupagus
- The aforementioned bus crash
- Elmo
Could you completely fill a toilet with urine and how long would it take (assuming you only use it for pissing)? You start with a standard amount of water in the toilet and let's say no smell accumulates during this process. It seems doable but you'd have to have a good main toilet for your pissing efforts.
Oh that's fine. As much as I hate mayonnaise, I'm not gonna bitch about it as a baking ingredient. I love the cake shake at Portillo's and everyone on Twitter is like, "Drew, bro, they make that cake with mayonnaise!" Well, yeah. But they don't put it on TOP of the cake. It's just part of the batter. It's not really mayo anymore. I don't eat raw flour either, but I'll accept it in cake form. So don't apologize to me when people use mayonnaise the right way: by hiding it.My mother-in-law babysat my kids the other day. At some point, she decided to make muffins out of some overly ripe bananas we had in the kitchen. We were out of both butter and vegetable oil so, scrambling for an alternative, she found a recipe that called for … mayonnaise. I regret to inform you that the muffins were delicious.
Email of the week!
I'm a contractor at a large retail company based out of Minneapolis. It's the second week into my contract so the nervousness and excitement are still running pretty high, but I've gotten to know a number of people well enough and am just beginning to get comfortable and friendly with my coworkers and superiors. So I'm in the elevator preparing to take my first bite into my pre-lunch Honeycrisp apple. One of the enormous, cartoonishly juicy ones grown here, not one of those bullshit ones they grow out in like Washington (and then some times ship to MN?!). There are maybe six people in the elevator, one of whom is my boss' boss. A nice woman and excellent leader who I greatly hope to impress over the course of my six-month contract. We exchange a friendly nod and smile and settle into a comfortable silence as the elevator doors close. As the elevator begins to ascend, I bite into my apple releasing a forceful jet of delicious, sweet, tangy, and sticky apple juice directly sideways into the temple of my boss' boss. This isn't just a light spray or gentle misting either. It was a hefty load of apple juice.
I did nothing. She did nothing. We both just stood there, me chewing my apple and trying to be quiet (not possible with a Honeycrisp). Her, standing silently looking ahead, not even flinching as apple juice runs down her face, just past the corner of her eye. The elevator stops, I walk directly ahead, and she continued upward. In the split seconds after the apple juice…. erupted… from the apple, I somehow decided that apologizing would only make things more awkward, and that the correct play was to just stand there and not break the code-of-elevator-silence. I'm pretty sure that that decision was not the correct one, but I still don't know what the appropriate thing to do would have been, and am even more unclear on what the normal, adult thing to do moving forward is. This happened about 3 hours ago.
Stick to bananas, I guess.What do I do?