Noisey VS Newton Faulkner

You know Newton Faulkner, he's the guy with dreads who's sold billions of records to crusties everywhere that you probably don't like at all. We were offered an interview with him, and even though we're more Chief Keef kind of people, we thought it would be fun. After all, he's such a nice guy.

Or is he? That's the conceit of this interview: TRYNG TO PROVE THAT NEWTON FAULKNER IS EVIL AND NOT JUST A HIPPY WHO LIKES MASSIVE ATTACK.

Noisey: Soooo, what have you been up to today?
Newton: Lots of interviews and stuff. I got up at 6am this morning and did some busking for Centrepoint charity, which was quite fun.

Of course you did. Anyway, what's the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Not a lot. I shoplifted some M&Ms by mistake once. I tried to punch one guy in the face once but I missed. He was a school bully and three feet taller than me.

Did he respect you afterwards?

No, he continued hitting me.

When was the last time you got really angry?

Not that long ago. Releasing albums is pretty stressful. I’ve got a button that can be flipped. It doesn’t happen very often. People joke about it! My old tour crew - one guy made it his mission to make me vaguely angry over the tour but he failed. He woke me up once just by poking me in the face.

With his finger?

Luckily, yes. I’ve been stressed but not angry.

What's the most awkward situation you’ve ever been in?

Not so much awkward but weird. There was this granny going down some stairs with her bags and I went up and asked if I could help her out, then she hit me in the face with a bag. Two armed policeman thought I was trying to kill her and take her stuff.

LOL. Which musicians piss you off?

[laughs] Hmm. There's stuff I don’t like and isn’t to my taste but I wouldn’t say it makes me angry. I’m trying to think who makes me angry…

C'mon, how about just mildly vexed?

I suppose I find squeaky pop mildly aggravating, but not to the point of actually feeling that angry about it. Just slightly annoying.

No-one in particular?

No-one springs to mind.

FFS. OK, If you had to kill a man chained up in your basement how would you do it?

Oh…trying to think of whether to do something really weird to see what happens, or just something painless. Maybe just stick him in a giant microwave because that's always fun.

Always.

Yeh. Giant microwave. It would be a once in a lifetime experience for him.

If you accidentally killed a man how would you dispose of the body?

Erm. You need a big bath of acid don’t you? Is it hydrochloric acid you need? Maybe I’d do the opposite so they wouldn’t suspect. I’d put him in formaldehyde and just say he was a bit of art. Do you think anyone would check?

You’re quite a shifty character.

Just sitting there in formaldehyde, people would assume it wasn’t real. Hide it in plain sight. You’d have to disguise him a bit - maybe the classic glasses with a nose and moustache. They’d never spot that. We’ve nailed this.

If Tom Cruise offered you a lifetime of fame and success in return for a night of passion would you do it?

Noooo. That's a fairly solid no.

Why not, it's Tom Cruise? What if he just wants to see you naked?

Still a no. At the end of my life I’d look back at that moment and think "that was a bad, bad decision".

What if he just wanted to watch you sleep?

He’s not allowed to touch me?

That isn’t stipulated.

Ok, we’ll put that into the contract and that's probably alright. How would he arrange the fame?

Illuminati, Scientology blah blah blah, y'know those guys.

As long as he doesn’t touch me or himself. Can we put that in?

He’s not happy about it.

No touching and he’s on.

OK. Do you support chemical castration for rapists?

In a strange way I kind of do. It's a surreal one. There's that place for paedophiles - there was one guy they were talking to and I was thinking “why don’t I hate you”? He seemed alright, then they revealed near the end that he'd been chemically castrated and he just seemed to have turned off whatever button was switched on, that just shouldn’t have been.

Not ruled by his penis anymore?

But what about cases of false accusation? It's a bit eye-for-an-eye. This guy actually asked for it, that's the weird thing, and he said it helps - which is really strange. If they asked for it then it's OK, I suppose.

Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?

Erm, no. I’ve had it described to me on many occasions, which is enough to not make me ever want to watch it. I can think of more fun things to watch.

Brazillian fart porn?

Haven’t seen that either. I’m feeling very sheltered right now…

You’re missing out.

I’m in Germany tomorrow with the internet though.

Have you ever been mistaken for a homeless man?

Yes. I was at Victoria station, there was a guy going along the line, asking everyone for money and I was quite far down the line. I had two pounds, two whole English pounds in my hand to give him. All the way down he was like “spare any change, spare any change…” then he got to me and goes “alright mate” and moves on to the next person.

Like brothers of circumstance?

Yeah, I almost hugged him. But then I smelt him and decided not to. It might not be the only time but it was the only time I’ve been aware of it.

Nice. So, how would you commit suicide?

If I was immensely depressed. Hmm. Try and do it in a way that appeared triumphant. Maybe push a child out of the way of a bus.

But you’d have to make sure a child was going to get hit by a bus first.

Yeah, obviously you’d have to superglue their shoes to the road and then run by and pick them out of the shoes before the bus hits. It could go wrong though. That would be an awkward conversation in heaven. “I was trying to commit suicide”, “But why was I glued to the road?” “SHUT UP, it was complicated!”

Interesting. Would you support a regulated prostitution industry?

Probably not. Where's that going on?

Holland.

Is that the only place? Other countries haven’t looked at that and thought, “hey, thats working like a treat”, which makes me think it's probably not a good idea.

When was the last time you hurt someones feelings?

Yesterday. I was running really late.

Sounds pretty minor.

I probably wasn’t apologetic enough.

Have you sworn at anyone recently or been slightly rude?

Not for a little while. I did drop a c-bomb when I probably shouldn’t have. I got told told off. I really didn’t think it would be as offensive as the other person decided it was. It was a very casual use. Someone had drunk all the Coca-Cola and I called them a c-bomb.

Have you ever killed a defenceless creature?

I killed a moth the other day and I actually felt quite bad about it. I squished it, and I don’t squish anything. We had to fumigate, and I’d been really nice to these guys - they’ve been flying around and I’ve been having conversations with them, asking them really nicely to leave, but I squished one because my girlfriend was freaking out. I feel genuinely bad about it.

Have you ever hit a woman?

No. God no.

Ever been tempted?

Some people are really annoying, but probably not.

What about a headlock?

And a noogie? Yeah I’ve got my sister loads. No punching though.

OK. Do you urinate in public places often?

No, even when very drunk I’m not a doorway wee-er. You can usually find a toilet.

Do you support capital punishment?

Er, no.

If there was a button that gave you a million pounds but killed a random person, would you press it?

I would not press that button. Definitely not, because I’m not a massive bastard.

Come on. A million.

Fuck that! I still don’t care. You’d spend it and then think “I killed a guy”, that's not cricket. It would come back to haunt you, without a shadow of a doubt.

Have you ever been sick and shat at the same time?

Oh yes. I was supporting Mika.

Say no more.

I was playing with Mika and Florence And The Machine in France, a beautiful venue, big kinda colliseum-esque kind of vibe and I got food poisoning from a crepe. I still did the gig but it was close. I was on quite a lot of medicine.

Are you a fan of gays?

[long pause] Yeah, I think I am actually. I was just trying to weigh-up your meaning of “fan”. But yeah I am.

What's the worst lie you’ve ever told?

Ooh. I’ve never told anyone this information, but there are two girls who think the same song is about them, which I still feel bad about.

You cad.

Yeah, but its such a good line. The song was around for ages and it spanned a couple of relationships. Nobody knows about this.

Good to admit it.

I feel better. How about you?

We’re sharing a cathartic moment.

I feel considerably closer to you.

Me too. We should go out sometime.

[silence]

When were you last involved with the police?

They came up for a photo the other day. They got me in handcuffs for it. I was just hoping it wasn’t a ploy. A sneaky arrest.

That would've been amusing.

You think it's funny, the idea of me being put in prison? I thought we were friends.

Fuck off Newton… Jokes, luv u bro!