Seducing the Insta-Gs: How I Plan to Get Some of That Facebook Money

I was lurking around Twitter a couple mornings ago, doing my usual routine of checking up on old boyfriends, current crushes, and the Iron Sheik, and my entire feed was clogged with people losing their minds about the whole Instagram Facebook thing. Normally, I spend my afternoons watching WWE videos, but I was curious to see what all the fuss was about, so I did a little reading.

Listen. I flip out over a lot of things that are completely unreasonable. This is the truth. Sometimes it's an exciting freak out over the Gulag or Phineas Gage, other times I have totally inappropriate reactions to basic everyday occurrences. I have been known to threaten strangers, throw objects across rooms, and even punch holes in walls. Punching holes in walls was a lie. See? I am clearly psychotic.

Still, even if normal things (embarrassing myself in front of others, having my car get towed) don't really bother me, I do acknowledge that they would upset most people.

One thing I do not understand though, is why anyone gives a shit about Facebook buying Instagram.

What really happened: Mark Zuckerburg is a genius and scored Instagram because photo sharing on Facebook wasn't up to par. I don't know about you guys, but it really sucks when I can't get just the right shot of my dinner to add to my "Food Porn" album. Now a handful of narcs are taxing his gig on Twitter because they don't want Instagram to disappear into Facebook. It's safe to assume this noise is just coming from Android users who got Instagram like two days ago. Total losers. The rest of us normal humans have been doing this basically non-stop for two years.

Personally, I think this is great. Everyone on Instagram posts their pictures on Facebook anyway, so this should cut my stalking time in half. Secondly, Instagram was given one billion dollars for this whole deal. Founder Kevin Systrom is scoring $400 million, co-founder Mike Krieger gets $100 million, and the other thirteen employees will receive a payout based on how long they've been employed with Instagram from a $100 million pool. And what about the rest of us, who work hard every day to make Instagram worth all of this money to begin with?

Between you and me, my big plan is to work my magic on one of these thirteen nerds. I've been looking for love lately, and as nice as it is to fall for drug dealers and assholes, I think the real key is to land a dude with a few bucks in his pocket. I mean, call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure I can win some computer geek over with my charming ways. Then, guess what? I could buy a startup too.

The moral of the story is, this whole Facebook Instagram thing is a win for everybody, except for 'Droid users, because they are always so insecure and nobody cares about them anyway. From what I understand, only gear-nerds and juggalos use Droids. Facebook will only get better, perhaps by adding a game layer to Instagram, and a feature that secretly takes photos while you're using your phone and geotagging them and posting them to your wall. And hopefully more and more people will post retro unironically ironic faux-nostalgic photographs of interesting scenery, babies, food, and computer screens, which can only be a good thing for Facebook and Instagram and the rest of us Internet millionaires.

Now if you don't mind, I have a plate full of Hamburger Helper that needs to be immortalized with an off centered, sepia toned photograph.

• Who Took the Best Meta-Photo of the Instagram Deal?
• Obamagrams for Everybody
• Is Apple Really Worth One Trillion Dollars?