Stuff Australia Should've Bought Instead of Funding a Wind Farm Witch Hunt

Oh, wind turbine syndrome, we've missed you. For a while there it seemed like you'd been banished to conspiracy theory exile alongside fluoride in the drinking water and chemtrails, forgotten save for an appearance every now and then on Kylie Jenner's Twitter. But, thankfully, official government body the National Health and Medical Research Council (NHMRC) has revived you, pouring $3.3 million into studying your effects on health.

Just a quick refresher: Wind turbine syndrome is a thing people believe actually exists, afflicting those who live near wind turbines with a host of symptoms, including but by no means limited to, "waking up tired, ear pressure (often described as painful), and irritability."

Lobby groups, such as the Waubra Foundation, believe that the infrasound emitted from the turbines (at a frequency so low humans can't hear it), is what is making people sick. And they've amassed some high profile supporters, including federal MP Angus Taylor and radio host Alan Jones.

However, the broader scientific community hasn't been so quick to catch on. Of the more than 23 studies about wind farms since 2003, none have found any scientific basis for health complaints. A study last year from the South Australian Environmental Protection Agency found many residents' noise complaints were made at times the turbines were actually shut down. The NHMRC's own report from February 2015 concluded there was "currently no consistent evidence that wind farms cause adverse health effects in humans."

The most conclusive explanation for these symptoms is actually fear. "They are worrying themselves sick," says Simon Chapman, a professor of public health at the University of Sydney. Chapman's own research found that most wind farms never received complaints. Of those that did, 73 percent had been targeted by anti-wind farm lobby groups.

However, citing a lack of scientific study into the health impacts of wind farms, the NHMRC is pushing ahead with funding two research projects, even upping the budget from the original $2.5 million they announced last year. The first $1.94 million has been granted to University of New South Wales professor Guy Marks to research the health impacts of infrasound from wind turbines. The other $1.36 million has been given to Flinders University's Peter Catcheside to compare sleep disruption from the wind farms to traffic noise.

In celebration of this boost for Australian medical research, we've put together some ideas for what the next $3.3 million can be spent on that might be just as effective:

(Almost) One of the World's Most Expensive Cars

With only seven cars made, the Lykan Hypersport is a seriously niche thing to throw millions of dollars at. Potentially even more niche than thinking wind turbines make you sick. However, with the hefty price tag of $3.4 million, we aren't quite there. But given the NHMRC upped turbine syndrome funding from the $2.5 million it announced last year, there's surely another $100K floating around somewhere. The Lykan can be safely driven around the streets of towns affected by wind farm syndrome, as its inordinately loud engine drowns out any other noise.

Bronwyn Bishop's Career-Ending Helicopter Trip, 660 Times

Last year, Liberal Party veteran Bronwyn Bishop had to retire after it was revealed she used misused funds to pay for a $5000 helicopter trip between Melbourne and Geelong. People were pissed, because people care about how public money is spent, especially if it's spent on pointless things that won't get us far. That being said, the NHMRC might find it's more useful to drop a cool $3.3 million on helicopter trips. If Bronwyn can get them mates-rates, they should be able to wrangle at least 660 return trips.

Go to Fucking Space

On the topic of expensive trips, $3.3 million will buy you a seat on Richard Branson's first Virgin Galactic flight. It'll actually buy you more than 13 seats. That's almost as out of this world as believing the low frequency sounds are a type of poison.

A Tonne of Cocaine

On the topic of expensive trips, Australia is apparently the most expensive place in the world to buy cocaine. Anecdotally a gram will set you back $300, so maybe $3.3 million won't buy you a literal tonne but it will get you close to a solid 14 kilograms, which should be enough to fuel the annual NHMRC Christmas party.

Not One But Two Tibetan Mastiffs

Why get just one of the world's priciest dogs when you can get two? The inexplicably expensive Tibetan mastiff will set you back just $1.5 million, way less than a study into the health impacts of wind farms. Bury yourself in their fluff to drown out the noise of lefty power generation.

A Not Really That Big Apartment in Sydney

This three-bedroom apartment will eat up most of your $3.3 million but that's because Sydney's housing prices are crazy, not because a cool three mil is an insignificant amount of money. It's not exactly 660 helicopter rides but, on the plus side, it could be used to rehouse everyone who is actually affected by wind farm syndrome with three beds to spare.

And if you think this article is ridiculous, so is throwing millions of dollars at something that's already been proven not to exist.

Follow Greta on Twitter and Maddison, also on Twitter.