While monogamy works for some, others spend their lives serially cheating on their partners while trying and failing to adhere to it. As an alternative, there are people who have found that some form of polyamory—of which there are many varieties—is the right choice for them. Dubbed by some media as a new sexual revolution, being more open to poly arrangements is steadily growing.VICE spoke to people who are in poly relationships to find out the nuances of their arrangements and how they make non-monogamy work for them and their partners.
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Maria*, 24
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How I want my life to be like when I'm older is to either be part of two couples who are exclusive to each other or in a three-way relationship. If it's a trio, I prefer me, a girl, and a man; if it's two couples together, I prefer both to be a man and a woman. It sounds like the way I'd want to be in my 70s, at the end of my days.
Dan*, 35
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We won't have sex alone with another person in our bed if the other one isn't there. I would rather have a five-some or a six-some because I feel like group play is less emotional than one-on-one; she feels one-on-one is not as much, so that's where we differ.Some of [reconciling differences in preference] it is that you have a fight and learn. That's why we started writing things down—you learn that sometimes what you're OK with, the other person isn't OK with. A lot of it is talking about individual people. I know it might sound weird to go through a roster of possibilities and say, "OK, they're fine; they're not." But that's sometimes how it has to be.When my girlfriend and I first started seeing each other, you get to a point with dating when you're poly where you're like, "You need to be aware that in the future I may or may not want to see other people at the same time as you. You have to be OK with that if you want to date me." We got to that point, and it turns out we were both poly but at the time weren't seeing anyone else. Since then, I don't have any other relationships per se, but I do have partners in the kink scene. For example, there's someone I see regularly who I do rope bondage with.It's a matter of circumstance for me. For me, with the kink scene, that's going to happen no matter what… I need that in my life. That's just on the side, then in terms of my romantic relationships, right now I am just dating one person because I'm super in love with her, and I haven't met anyone else who I feel that way about. I've been in multiple relationships at once in the past. For example, I was seeing one guy where I would go and hang out with him and his whole family, then we would have our dates on our own time… He and his wife were both poly.
Hannah, 26
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You have to talk to people, lots of communication—people say that's the key, and that's because it is. When problems come up, you just logistically have more to deal with… I don't just identify as poly, I identify as solo poly, which is a little bit lesser known… Solo poly is where instead of fully combining your life with someone else, you retain your sense of autonomy. That could mean having your own place or having your own room in a place that you share with your partners, or it could just mean that you always have the last say… It also has a lot to do with avoiding a hierarchy. How that fits into my life is that once new relationship energy calms down, I need a lot of time for myself. That's something that makes my relationship work in a weird way.I've been with my husband for 15 years and with my boyfriend for a year and a half. In prior relationships, I would have done the more hierarchal stuff, but for me, when you've been together for so long, primary becomes natural—and especially when you add things like marriage, owning a car, a house.We've been open since 2006, so I've had multiple partners; so has he. My husband hasn't dated anyone in a while except for someone very briefly, so rules are a bit different right now. It's been a couple of years, so it's almost like we're starting from scratch when he does go out with people, whereas I've continuously been dating other people. The rules are different depending on who you're with, and at the end of the day, it's about being flexible. There's two ways of doing things: You can have rules to start with and see if you're OK with things and then have less rules, or you can go into it with no rules and see what works. We more plan it ahead of time and see what we're OK with.
Samantha, 36
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When you have a breakup, it is both the worst and the best at the same time. It's the worst because it's a breakup, but then you also have to get on with your life and give your partner who's still around attention. On the flip side, the reason that it's good is because since you still have a relationship with one partner, it's like you have your best friend there to support you… I've had a lot of disastrous breakups. I've been in many situations where it is [someone's first poly relationship]. For some, maybe they like the idea of it at first, but then when they're faced with the reality of it… it can be a bit scary for people. I've been with people who really thought they wanted to take that leap, but then suddenly got really scared and decided they were never going to stop being monogamous—they were just going to cheat on partners forever because they couldn't handle living an "abnormal" way of life. The problem is you can never tell who those people are going to be.I've written a book on polyamory, so I could go on, but one thing I learned a lot is about equality and what it really means… People can build a lot of resentment up because they see their partner doing something and feel they either have to do it or you don't want them to do it. At the end of the day, people need to realize as long as each of you are getting your individual needs and desires met, it doesn't matter if they are different.
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Janet, 33
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