Why Reporters Hate YouTube

Though it may not seem like it at times, the average news reporter is, in fact, human (or, at least, carbon based). As such, they are as prone to fallacy as any lesser beings like you or I. The difference is, when they make a mistake, it’s broadcast around the [city/state/country/world] for our schadenfreudian entertainment. Once upon a time, such verbal or physical gaffes might have merited a few games of telephone around the water cooler the next day but little more. Nowadays, however, the slightest tic, trip, or mispronunciation is captured for electronic eternity and splashed far and wide across the web and comedy news programs for instant—and usually unwanted—global notoriety.

Shepard Smith’s infamous Freudian slut—err, slip—regarding one Jennifer from the Neighborhood, may be the ur example:

Yeah, I have no idea what you were thinking either, Shep. I mean, a “blowjuhhh uh”—what kind of subconscious non-sequitur could have spurred that little chestnut, right?

Of course, a verbal slip is arguably less embarassing than a physical one—especially when the latter is your idea. Earlier this year, for example, one intrepid Taiwanese (I’m assuming) reporter had the grand idea to treat her viewers to a behind-the-scenes look at the formerly hidden air-raid tunnels of the Grand Hotel in Taipei, Taiwan. As Wikipedia helpfully explains, the Grand Hotel’s western passage features a slide in addition to the winding staircase to aid handicapped or eldery evacuees. At this point, her segment sign-off pretty much writes itself:

And that, ladies and gentlemongers, is the sound of someone who was expecting a slightly gentler slope. Personally, I’m still waiting for the remix. AHH ahah OOOh ticka ticka aahh OOh aaahh AH ticka ticka.

Someone who’s undoubtedly not waiting for the remix (and not just because she’s located 24 years in the past) is this next middle-aged woman reporter who was apparently assigned to cover Michael Jackson’s Bad tour without any explanation whatsoever of what such coverage might consist of:

Is it just me, or does she look like she has to take the worst crap of her life throughout that entire video? (Killer closing line though.)

From one stereotype (adult who doesn’t understand young people’s music) to another, this next video’s a treat because not only does it perpetuate a delightful stereotype in and of itself—black guys can only get ahead in the news business if they sound “white”—but the reporter in it also perpetuates a stereotype by shitting on small towns as podunk backwoods.

I wonder if this is where Seth McFarlane got the idea for the Ollie Williams Blackuweather forecast bits?

Speaking of non sequiturs, the punchline-in-the-setup title of this next video is “Clumsy Reporter Knocks Down Jenga Tower.” Consequently, even though the scale of disaster is, relatively speaking, fairly trivial, because you know what’s coming from the start, you can’t help but stare in mildly horrified fascination until the promised event does, indeed, occur. (Check out the inevitable harbinger at 0:18 when the Jenga architect has to warn the reporter about getting too close to the tower with his doddering old man body and stupid-long microphone cord.)

Fortunately, tall, cylindrical objects aren’t always the direct objects of disaster. Occasionally, they merit the role of both subject and predicate. To wit:

At least the former object of the reporter’s ire has the decency to ask if he’s okay. Perhaps he’s Pole-ish? (Not to be confused with North or South Pole-ish, either of which would make an appropriate backdrop for this next report heard ’round the world:

Man, that guy really flips for sleds, doesn’t he? Totally tube-ular!

Now, before you thought I’d forgotten, I have to add in the sordid downfall of Mark Mathis, a rapping, shouting weatherman who may or may not have had an affinity for cocaine. But after multiple firings and a stint in rehab, he’s now cooking on the public speaker circuit. Hooray for Internet fame!

Of course, not every preserved-for-posterity clip of a reporter experiencing the unexpected is negative. Once in awhile, your entire profession is redeemed during a moment of sheer serendipty that you’ll actually want to show the grandkids on YouTube (or GlerkBleg—the YouTube of the future) someday.

Hoop, there it is!

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