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BOOKIES
Why people might not like them: Because bookmakers have corrupted sport and turned the Great British High Street into a depressing mini Vegas full of people blowing their giro on the greyhounds.
The image they wanted to show: Investing loads in sport advertising, keeping Premier League stars well paid enough to crash their Lamborghinis at will.
What the party was like: The absolute classic, mate – a room full of people drinking wine and eating canapés.
Entertainment: You get to take your picture with some Scottish football trophies, which would maybe be a big deal to some Scottish people.
What the entertainment should have been: Some kind of cock fight or bare-knuckle boxing to gamble on.
If I was a politician, would I be convinced by this? I couldn't see any big name politicians there, which suggests that Tories don't want to be associated with this particular vice.
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AIRPORTS
Why people might not like them: Climate change ought to be a bigger deal, but the real problem is that local MPs can't be seen to be cool about loads more planes flying over people's back gardens.
The image they wanted to show: Completely vital for the national economy, an engine for local jobs and much, much better than any other airport you may be thinking of expanding into.
What the party was like: Heathrow sponsored a party in the "sky bar" of a hotel that I failed to blag my way into, but if previous form is anything to go by, I'm going to assume "very boring". At both the Labour and Conservative conferences Heathrow erected an airport-style lounge, i.e. places people hate being, to promote themselves.
Entertainment: I don't know as I didn't get in. But I also briefly went to a Gatwick reception at the Labour conference, where people were crowding into a stuffy room to hear somebody mumbling quietly about airports. The booze had run out so I didn't stay long.
What the entertainment should have been: Rather than building a stupid airport lounge they should have replicated a private jet owned by an oligarch: basically a little pod you can enter, where cocaine and champagne is available on tap.
If I was a politician, would I be convinced by this? To be fair, maybe sitting in a fake airport lounge would convince me that long waits at overcrowded airports are a bad thing, meaning we should expand our capacity at once.
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ANIMAL MURDERERS
Why people might not like them: Landed gentry cackling as they carry out a badger genocide and shoot pheasants just to watch them flop out of the sky.
The image they wanted to portray: Vermin exterminating stewards of the countryside, reconnecting children with nature and a lifeline for the rural economy, without which the countryside would be just some fields. "Shooting is at the heart of what rural Britain does."
What the party was like: A drab, half empty hotel room where people pawed at tepid goujons and talked about the best type of shotgun with which to murder wildlife.
Entertainment: Andrea Leadsom giving a speech, so not all that fun. But in the conference centre they have a digital shooting simulator.
What the entertainment should have been: A real shooting range where you get to blast animal rights activists away.
If I was a politician, would I be convinced by this? It was a crap party, but I reckon convincing Tories to kill things can't be all that hard.
TOBACCONISTS
Why people might not like them: For pushing cancer sticks.
The image they wanted to portray: If you want to pay to slowly poison your body for little discernible gain, then that's your choice. Also, you can vape now, which is less cool – but if we talk enough about that maybe you'll forget the cancer?
What the party was like: Actually really good. An upper-middle market bar packed to the gills with free booze, mini burgers, pocket ash-trays (a weird plastic wallet thing you can carry around) inscribed with the words, "Say no to outdoor smoking bans," and leaflets about how "A once benign nanny state has become a bully state, coercing rather than educating adults to give up tobacco."
Entertainment: It was advertised as "Eat. Drink. Smoke. Vape.", so like all good parties there were no frills beyond the amount of inebriants you could stuff in your body.
What the entertainment should have been: The same but with the film Breathless projected onto one of the walls, because that's hands down the best advert for smoking ever made.
If I was a politician, would I be convinced by this? Yeah, this was a convincing a case for freedom to chose. Almost as convincing as talking to a doctor about why you shouldn't smoke.
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